The totally especially magically really really bad day

Today was a bad, bad ,bad day. I had family here all day again today and I have just completely had it...I am so sick of all of them and all our disfunction. Who new what giant fiaso layed in store for me when I opened my eyes this morning. I should have known by the way it was snowing like a blizzard as my feet hit the floor. I should have rolled over and gone back to sleep, for several days.........I knew my husband was pissed the minute he woke up since we did not have sex last night. He ripped right into me first thing so that set my mood up nice and shitty since I know deep down I have been avoiding him on purpose. The big L on my forehead keeps wedging itself between us in such a manner as to prevent any fun in the bedroom. One thing led to another and we were at each others throats with all the big weapons out. Time to turn it up....it totally sucked....so in the mean time I go off somewhere to cool down a little and then my parents call to say they are still coming and I was so thinking I was off the hook from all the snow. But no apparently my Dad was really jonesing for a grandkid fix so they trekked in here despite the bad weather. So, they get here, I've got no plan for food, we have been fighting all morning and its 1pm and my husband is sucking down beers like theres no tomorrow. Finally we go to the store, get some food, we sit down and eat it. My Mom starts telling some story about how my great gramma spanked my grandpa every day whether he needed it or not. At this point my husband starts this huge arguement about what a bunch of crap that was. On and on and on they are argueing back and forth. Needless to say my husband proved his point and my mother ended up crying and I ended up crying and my sister is crying. I am so pissed at my husband cause the whole time I feel like I have to mediate the whole process so I am just at my whits end at this point. SO, then we have this whole thing of crying together and it was just like a scene from some fucking made for TV holiday special. What a load of crap I hate this shit, I hate the damn drama of it, I hate having to deal with my family crap out in public like that and by public I mean my immeidate family. Who are these people and why am I so totally stuck with them???I don't get it...why did God or what ever force created us set us up to be full of so much chaos. Why do some people have a built in ability to direct their energy to obtain thier dreams and goals and other people like me spin in circles and stay jumbled up for thier whole life. God I feel so out of control right now and that feeling is just so tough to flow with.....this whole day was given to me as some sort of cosmic gift is the crazy part because I am already figuring some shit out. I did a tarot reading the other day that didn't make much sense at first, but after this day, I know thats what the cards were showing me. It described all the key pieces and players in this little scenario to a T after I thought about it for a little bit. I have been asking for a teacher to be sent to me recently, I didn't know that it would come in this form, but I need to accept it and learn the lesson here. I know in my heart the reason Kipp got so mad is that he felt like he was defending me. I don't think I ever really felt that from him before. It surprised me because it made me see that he really does love me and I've never felt sure before. It scares the hell out of me to trust someone that much....literally I feel my body close down and seal off from his energy any time I sense any thing off. I get so scared inside of the unknown circumstances of a given situation that I act wrecklessly to try and control the outcome. I do it without even consciencously being aware but that thought come to me suddenly when I was walking tonight and I know its a truth for me. I get very apprehensive if I sense displeasure. It also came to me that at the very core of who I am is a person who doesn't trust herself. All my personal relationships and experiences are influenced by that fact. I suppose this is the type of shit Dr. Phil is talking about when he mentions your authentic self . I need to recognize this and start to build that trust so I can move forward. Listen to the voice in your head just not the loud obnoxious one-try to hear the quiet one that comes from the back and speaks softly in your ear. Thats the one that speaks the truth.

When I was a little girl
I felt like I was magic inside
Like I carried around a little gold spark
that sometimes showed in my eye
Somewhere along the way
my eye fell out.........