Day 1

Its New Years day. A whole year is gone from my life. What did I accomplish in 2006. Not much if I really think about it. Time is slipping away and I am sitting here wasting it at this computer wondering what is the point of all this. Why can't I just feel normal and have a normal successful life. I am my own worst enemy. I have spent so much time worrying about what everybody else is doing and sitting around feeling superior because why?? Why do I think I know anything about what anyone else should be doing. I keep thinking I am doing so much internal work and trying so hard to change. I've done nothing....NOTHING my life is shit right now. There's not much further down I could go. Here is the list of things that are wrong with my life right at this very moment

1. I have no money.
2. I have no job
3. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk that I have no way of paying
4. My self esteem is in the toilet
5. I have allowed myself to become isolated from my friends and family
6. I am an emotional wreck
7. I feel afraid and paralyzed
8. I am on the brink of buldozing my relationship over a cliff
9. I am still 25lbs overweight and gaining
10. My old dog is pissing and shitting all over the house daily and I don't want to make the decision to put her to sleep.
11. Its my birthday and my husband is not even speaking to me.
12. I am as unhappy as I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it.


There-
That is a total and complete list of all the negative stuff in my life at the moment. It sounds pretty pathetic to sit here and list it all out but this is my way of mapping out what needs to change. Maybe looking at it in black and white will help me take some inventory and do the foot work necessary to change my life. I don't know how I got to this point in time or why but I do know it is time to say Fuck all of everyone else and just learn to go out and take what I need to be content with myself and my life. I don't care if I lose my marriage, my house, my cars, anything. I just want to come to a place where for once in my stupid pathetic life I feel happy. If only someone would just turn on a light and show me the path to take it would be so much easier. Don't see that happening and this post has turned into one big whine fest. I always get this way when I get my period for my birthday. I'm just so freakin tired of having such a hard time all the time. I feel like a twelve year old who just can't quite make the leap into adulthood and a mature way of thinking. I don't even know what mature thinking looks or feels like. I just mostly feel dissappointed with myself and basically have no belief that I can change anything right now. I guess I will go back to bed and just wait for this day to be over so I can start looking for a job again. I absolutely cannot believe I haven't found one yet. It has never been so hard for me to find work. Ususally I just think about finding a job and one falls into my lap. I suppose this is my karma coming back to bite my methaphorical ass. I know in my heart I brought all this shit on myself with my own self destructive behavior. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I tell myself all the time, okay learn the lesson, change, change now, you are intelligent and you can see it, now change and I never seem to be able to...........How do you reach down inside yourself and pull out the part of your being that is where the courage is.........I can't seem to find that part of me. Is it just missing???What seems to be in that spot is blind fear. Letting go of that fear is singlemost difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. I recognize it, I see it there, like a chunk of blackend wood in a campfire, always glowing slightly in the middle. An eye if you will watching me from the inside waiting to flare up at the slightest attempt to extinguish it. Sick as I am I am comforted by it, warmed up a little bit by its presence there. I've carried that chunk of wood around since I was a very little girl and setting it down and walking away just doesn't seem possible. What if I am cold without it, what if I can't see in the dark, what if that chunk of wood is who I am and without it I am nothing...but what if it burns out and fades away and all that is just a bunch of illusion. I know logically there is nothing to fear in the world really and by not taking that chance I am limiting myself to a very small world indeed. Thoughts to think about for sure for sure.....I'm very glad no one reads this drivel..........