Well, Its January 3rd and things are really back to normal now except I am still not working. This is becoming very frustrating to me. I did have an interview yesterday that went pretty well. I talked to this guy at an upholstery shop a couple months ago. He was pretty interested then, but I wasn't sure about it. Then yesterday I saw he was still looking so I sent my resume. I needed to take Dan's guitar over to a repair shop so on my way back, I stopped in at this place and talked to the guy for about 1 1/2 hours. He seems like a real hardass and the retail manager was kind of hard to read but she basically told me he is a real hard ass and can be difficult to work for. She also eluded to the fact that the other women in the office were kind of bitchy so I am not sure I want to take the job even if they offer. I kind of feel like I have to at this point but don't want to get myself in a situation where I hate what I am doing just to make money. It was a good thing to do though in the respect that it was really out of my comfort zone to just stop in. It made me think about the things I was saying in the interview process a little more too. I still feel like I am trying to hide the fact that I got fired, but if he wasn't bringing it up I wasn't going to either. I think that was the right thing to do. So, now I will get back on line and take a look around at what else is out there. I see Travelers is still looking for reps but they have not called me back yet. I sent the HR manager an email yesterday but never heard back from her which I think is totally rude but what can you do except move on. So the hunt continues.
On another subject, I managed to get through the whole day without arguing with Kipp at all. That is a miracle for me but I am starting to realize that I say alot of unecessary things that set him off. I don't know how for 12 yrs I missed that fact that he absolutely hates being analyzed but he does, so I am trying to stop doing it. I don't want to sound like he is crazy for it because what it boils down to is me criticizing him and no one likes that, me especially. He also hates it when I analyze others, so I am going to try to keep that stuff in my head from now on which is nearly impossible but I test I must pass to grow and change. I love him and want us to be happy for a change and most of this work needs to come from me. He told me to make myself happy so I am going to. I suppose that might involve things that he doesn't like too but its all part of it.
Last night I had a very long involved dream that I can't remeber all of but one thing that stands out is this:
I am in a crowd of people on what I think is my high school football field, this woman who is an old friends Mom is approaching me. This woman had long white hair and kind of your stereotypical "witchy" appearance when we were kids and this is how she looks in the dream..she was always a really nice lady. In the dream, she walks up to me and sizes me up then says, you are pregnant again or something like that. All of a sudden I realize that what she is saying is true. I feel scared because I am thinking of the miscarriage but also excited because I know she is right. Then the dream moves on to something else. When I wake up this morning I am a little dissappointed because I am actually having my period right now. So , when I looked up the meaning on a dream site it says that it means I am going thru some changes that will allow me to grow and maybe some new ideas are forming within. SO, I will move on today with a good outlook and keep trying to move forward.
Kipp will be gone for the next three days so I will have some time to myself finally, finally finally. I love having him around, but it seems like I have not been alone in the house for months. This will give me time to cast and meditate like I've been wanting to without fear of interuption. I think I will go to Huckleberries today and get some sage and a couple other items to work with tonight. Time to start focusing heavily on prosperity and success for myself. I knoow that the power to facilitate change in my life is inside me and its time to unleash the beast so to speak. I am tired of feeling like everybody else has the control over my life. I have it I have just been afraid to find it. Game on people Game on......
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I'm Backkk
Okay- New outlook on my writing. In order to change yourself you have to change yourself. So, in light of that earthshattering observation, I am going to try a new way of writing. I will only write about the positive stuff in my life first and then if the negative stuff seems worth it, I will write about that. Here it goes:
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 38. I have a whole year ahead to do with what I will. I am determined to make it the best year of my life. I spent the day with my family. My son trekked up to the mall in freezing cold weather to buy me a birthday gift and then rode the bus home to give it to me. He bought me a very cute little ceramic fairy girl to add to the one I have in the bathroom. He is such a good kid. I am very lucky. My husband made me a birthday breakfast and spent some time doing some things around the house that he knew I would like. We hung out together quite a bit and all in all it was a nice day. A couple of my friends called me as well as my Mom and Daughter. My daughter called to tell me that they have changed the date for the wedding. They moved it up to Sept 29th. They did so because they are taking a honeymoon cruise in Oct up and down the east coast. I am so pround of her. She is doing so well and so is my son. They really inspire me to try harder to make a happy life for myself. I worry some about Chelsea as she is alot like me and tends to take on too much responsibility. I think she is healthier than I though so will most likely be fine.
So, here are some things I want to do this year:
Top of the list-cultivate my relationships with otheres so that next year I will know at least 2 new people that I can call friends
1. Make my garden bigger and take stuff to the farmers market to sell.
2. travel to at least one place I have not been in the US
3. Get a job that I can work at for at least three years
4. Work on getting out of debt
5. Lose 20 more lbs
6. Expand my spiritual practice and really learn to use it to my advantage
7. Write in my blog every morning before I leave the house.
8. Do one thing that scares me, like climb something high or go somewhere alone
9. Read more books and watch less tv
10. Get and remain sober
This is a short list but I am going to set small goals to make this happen for myself. I am tired of living the way I do and want a better life. I finally understand that a better life is there for the taking, but no one will just walk up and say "Here, you look like you need a better life." You have to take it for yourself and its okay to want it and there is nothing to fear in trying to get it. Who cares what other people think about it. Its not wrong to want good things and by good things I mean happiness and joy right where you are. So, I will work on that and try to remain positive every day. I know it sounds a little merry sunshine but my own negative attitude just doesnt work anymore and its time to make something else work now.
Good day all and see you in the morning!
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 38. I have a whole year ahead to do with what I will. I am determined to make it the best year of my life. I spent the day with my family. My son trekked up to the mall in freezing cold weather to buy me a birthday gift and then rode the bus home to give it to me. He bought me a very cute little ceramic fairy girl to add to the one I have in the bathroom. He is such a good kid. I am very lucky. My husband made me a birthday breakfast and spent some time doing some things around the house that he knew I would like. We hung out together quite a bit and all in all it was a nice day. A couple of my friends called me as well as my Mom and Daughter. My daughter called to tell me that they have changed the date for the wedding. They moved it up to Sept 29th. They did so because they are taking a honeymoon cruise in Oct up and down the east coast. I am so pround of her. She is doing so well and so is my son. They really inspire me to try harder to make a happy life for myself. I worry some about Chelsea as she is alot like me and tends to take on too much responsibility. I think she is healthier than I though so will most likely be fine.
So, here are some things I want to do this year:
Top of the list-cultivate my relationships with otheres so that next year I will know at least 2 new people that I can call friends
1. Make my garden bigger and take stuff to the farmers market to sell.
2. travel to at least one place I have not been in the US
3. Get a job that I can work at for at least three years
4. Work on getting out of debt
5. Lose 20 more lbs
6. Expand my spiritual practice and really learn to use it to my advantage
7. Write in my blog every morning before I leave the house.
8. Do one thing that scares me, like climb something high or go somewhere alone
9. Read more books and watch less tv
10. Get and remain sober
This is a short list but I am going to set small goals to make this happen for myself. I am tired of living the way I do and want a better life. I finally understand that a better life is there for the taking, but no one will just walk up and say "Here, you look like you need a better life." You have to take it for yourself and its okay to want it and there is nothing to fear in trying to get it. Who cares what other people think about it. Its not wrong to want good things and by good things I mean happiness and joy right where you are. So, I will work on that and try to remain positive every day. I know it sounds a little merry sunshine but my own negative attitude just doesnt work anymore and its time to make something else work now.
Good day all and see you in the morning!
Monday, January 01, 2007
Day 1
Its New Years day. A whole year is gone from my life. What did I accomplish in 2006. Not much if I really think about it. Time is slipping away and I am sitting here wasting it at this computer wondering what is the point of all this. Why can't I just feel normal and have a normal successful life. I am my own worst enemy. I have spent so much time worrying about what everybody else is doing and sitting around feeling superior because why?? Why do I think I know anything about what anyone else should be doing. I keep thinking I am doing so much internal work and trying so hard to change. I've done nothing....NOTHING my life is shit right now. There's not much further down I could go. Here is the list of things that are wrong with my life right at this very moment
1. I have no money.
2. I have no job
3. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk that I have no way of paying
4. My self esteem is in the toilet
5. I have allowed myself to become isolated from my friends and family
6. I am an emotional wreck
7. I feel afraid and paralyzed
8. I am on the brink of buldozing my relationship over a cliff
9. I am still 25lbs overweight and gaining
10. My old dog is pissing and shitting all over the house daily and I don't want to make the decision to put her to sleep.
11. Its my birthday and my husband is not even speaking to me.
12. I am as unhappy as I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it.
There-
That is a total and complete list of all the negative stuff in my life at the moment. It sounds pretty pathetic to sit here and list it all out but this is my way of mapping out what needs to change. Maybe looking at it in black and white will help me take some inventory and do the foot work necessary to change my life. I don't know how I got to this point in time or why but I do know it is time to say Fuck all of everyone else and just learn to go out and take what I need to be content with myself and my life. I don't care if I lose my marriage, my house, my cars, anything. I just want to come to a place where for once in my stupid pathetic life I feel happy. If only someone would just turn on a light and show me the path to take it would be so much easier. Don't see that happening and this post has turned into one big whine fest. I always get this way when I get my period for my birthday. I'm just so freakin tired of having such a hard time all the time. I feel like a twelve year old who just can't quite make the leap into adulthood and a mature way of thinking. I don't even know what mature thinking looks or feels like. I just mostly feel dissappointed with myself and basically have no belief that I can change anything right now. I guess I will go back to bed and just wait for this day to be over so I can start looking for a job again. I absolutely cannot believe I haven't found one yet. It has never been so hard for me to find work. Ususally I just think about finding a job and one falls into my lap. I suppose this is my karma coming back to bite my methaphorical ass. I know in my heart I brought all this shit on myself with my own self destructive behavior. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I tell myself all the time, okay learn the lesson, change, change now, you are intelligent and you can see it, now change and I never seem to be able to...........How do you reach down inside yourself and pull out the part of your being that is where the courage is.........I can't seem to find that part of me. Is it just missing???What seems to be in that spot is blind fear. Letting go of that fear is singlemost difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. I recognize it, I see it there, like a chunk of blackend wood in a campfire, always glowing slightly in the middle. An eye if you will watching me from the inside waiting to flare up at the slightest attempt to extinguish it. Sick as I am I am comforted by it, warmed up a little bit by its presence there. I've carried that chunk of wood around since I was a very little girl and setting it down and walking away just doesn't seem possible. What if I am cold without it, what if I can't see in the dark, what if that chunk of wood is who I am and without it I am nothing...but what if it burns out and fades away and all that is just a bunch of illusion. I know logically there is nothing to fear in the world really and by not taking that chance I am limiting myself to a very small world indeed. Thoughts to think about for sure for sure.....I'm very glad no one reads this drivel..........
1. I have no money.
2. I have no job
3. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk that I have no way of paying
4. My self esteem is in the toilet
5. I have allowed myself to become isolated from my friends and family
6. I am an emotional wreck
7. I feel afraid and paralyzed
8. I am on the brink of buldozing my relationship over a cliff
9. I am still 25lbs overweight and gaining
10. My old dog is pissing and shitting all over the house daily and I don't want to make the decision to put her to sleep.
11. Its my birthday and my husband is not even speaking to me.
12. I am as unhappy as I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it.
There-
That is a total and complete list of all the negative stuff in my life at the moment. It sounds pretty pathetic to sit here and list it all out but this is my way of mapping out what needs to change. Maybe looking at it in black and white will help me take some inventory and do the foot work necessary to change my life. I don't know how I got to this point in time or why but I do know it is time to say Fuck all of everyone else and just learn to go out and take what I need to be content with myself and my life. I don't care if I lose my marriage, my house, my cars, anything. I just want to come to a place where for once in my stupid pathetic life I feel happy. If only someone would just turn on a light and show me the path to take it would be so much easier. Don't see that happening and this post has turned into one big whine fest. I always get this way when I get my period for my birthday. I'm just so freakin tired of having such a hard time all the time. I feel like a twelve year old who just can't quite make the leap into adulthood and a mature way of thinking. I don't even know what mature thinking looks or feels like. I just mostly feel dissappointed with myself and basically have no belief that I can change anything right now. I guess I will go back to bed and just wait for this day to be over so I can start looking for a job again. I absolutely cannot believe I haven't found one yet. It has never been so hard for me to find work. Ususally I just think about finding a job and one falls into my lap. I suppose this is my karma coming back to bite my methaphorical ass. I know in my heart I brought all this shit on myself with my own self destructive behavior. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I tell myself all the time, okay learn the lesson, change, change now, you are intelligent and you can see it, now change and I never seem to be able to...........How do you reach down inside yourself and pull out the part of your being that is where the courage is.........I can't seem to find that part of me. Is it just missing???What seems to be in that spot is blind fear. Letting go of that fear is singlemost difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. I recognize it, I see it there, like a chunk of blackend wood in a campfire, always glowing slightly in the middle. An eye if you will watching me from the inside waiting to flare up at the slightest attempt to extinguish it. Sick as I am I am comforted by it, warmed up a little bit by its presence there. I've carried that chunk of wood around since I was a very little girl and setting it down and walking away just doesn't seem possible. What if I am cold without it, what if I can't see in the dark, what if that chunk of wood is who I am and without it I am nothing...but what if it burns out and fades away and all that is just a bunch of illusion. I know logically there is nothing to fear in the world really and by not taking that chance I am limiting myself to a very small world indeed. Thoughts to think about for sure for sure.....I'm very glad no one reads this drivel..........
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