Witch in the City

The return of the good witch

2007-08-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well, its been some time since I last posted. Not a ton has changed since I was last here. I went to Seattle to visit my daughter Chelsea last weekend. We took my niece Justice with us. It was pretty fun. Went downtown on the bus and did some shopping. Drank a few beers with Barry and ate some good food. Dan went and visited his friends too. He just found out yesterday that for sure he is Caiden's Dad. I think he was a little surprised, but overall I think he knew. So, now we set him up with visits and payments for the next 18yrs. Poor guy. Saddled himself with a little one way too early. On the upside, I'ma Gramma now and hopefully I will get to see him soon. He's going on 7mths now so we have missed quite a bit already. Kind of sad but what can you do. The kids mom hasn't been very cooperative, that's for sure. Other things happening in my life are work is good. I just had a minor review with my manager who says I am doing great so that's cool. I am just trying to do really well so I can get a raise. Eventually I will want a different position, but for now I will settle for more money. My friend Colin contacted me yesterday and wanted me to do this spiritual survey with him. Its like a way for him to evaluate where a peson is on their spiritual path and how they might develope it further I suppose. Its all Christian based which is fine with me because there is a good foundation there when you peel away all the crap the world has added to it. I've bee reading some Taoism lately and I like the ideas they have. One I am reading now is based on the idea that you have the power to change your destiny by the thoughts you allow to control your life. If you change the thought energy you can afford many positive changes. I like to think I can control my own outcomes to a certain degree. By connecting to the divine in this way you let your desires be known and put out the vibrations into the world to come back to you when you are open enough to recieve them. I feel strongly that tapping into the positive energy flow is what keeps you focused and open to new realities. Believeing that you deserve this alternate reality is the challenging part. Learning that you are a valuable piece of the puzzle is one of the toughest obstacles to success that you must overcome. I'm not talking about financial success or success in the work place. I am talking about success as a human being. To lead a happy successful life, you must know yourself and trust in something bigger than yourself to open your eyes to the truth in the world around you. You can accomplish this thru many different meditations and rituals but they must be practiced with regularity and faithfulness. Opening yourself up to possiblitites greater than your regular perception of the world is what makes it work.

Meditation for postive energy:

Sit in a chair with your feet on the floor and your palms resting lightly on your thighs. Close your eyes and breathe in deeply through your nose exhaling thru your mouth in a slow controled manner. At the same time imagine your spine lengthening and shooting roots down toward the floor. Really focus on feeling grounded to this spot through your tail bone. As your body begins to relaxz, focus more and more on your breathing. As you breathe in imagine a small white globe in front of you that is getting bigger and brighter with each breath. Now imagine it floating over you and all of a sudden it breaks over your head and all that pure white light washes over you filling you with joy, peace and a strong positive energy. As it washes over you imagine that all the negative energy you are harboring is displaced and slides right off in the path of the white light. Slowly, return you breathing to normal, place your palms on the seat next to you and focus on letting the last of the negative energy run off your fingertips. Spend a couple minutes letting your mind return to the present. ITs important to make sure you return slowly or you may feel slightly sick. Give thanks and continue with your day. Do this meditation once a day for 13 days in a row. That's all for now.

Camp out in North Idaho

2007-07-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

Went camping in North Idaho this past weekend. We stayed up above Kingston at mile marker 36. The spot was great with a creek running through it and a river on the other side of the road that you could walk down to. The creek was really rocky and full of log jams so it was alot of fun to climb around on and explore. We got up there early on Friday morning. We originally went up higher around mile marker 45 but the bugs were so thick up that high that we came back down to the spot where we stayed. Turned out to be a good idea because there were no bugs at all and the site was great. The only downfall was no fires due to the extremely dry conditions out there. So, before we went back down to the site we stayed at, we let the dogs swim in the river for a while. Lo and behold, Jake is a huge fan of swimming. He needed no encouragement to just jump right in and swim a few laps. One time he almost swam all the way across the river before turning around to come back. He was so tired by the time we got home yesterday. I think we finally wore him out. He was so good about staying with us the whole time though and never really wandering away very far. What a good dog he is! Anyway, the second day we hiked up to these waterfalls that we had to drive to first. They were about five miles away and then you hiked in about half a mile. The falls were gorgeous. The kind that come from way up high in the forest. The rocks they came over were huge and made of some kind of sediment rock that was all in alot of layers. Slate or something like that I think. Anyway, everything was totally mossy and green and wet. Beautiful. There were two of them. One on top of the other so you could go to the top one and look down over the other one. Very peaceful in there too. We went up fairly early so no one else was really around. The dogs had a great time again just climbing around and having a good sniff over everything. Kipp seemed to have a good time too and relaxed alot. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to stop smoking. The way I feel in the morning lately is not pleasant and I get the distinct feeling it is holding me back physically alot. Mentally it is making me sluggish and I am just tired of myself so I am going to try. If nothing else cutting back to just a social thing will help.Well, its about time to get ready for work so I will sign off for now.

A Strange Dream

2007-06-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

I have been hanging out at work with this guy named Jeff and a girl named Jennie. They are both pretty cool. I like them alot. Jeff is in a band, he's the singer and Jennie is also very musical. They both fit my personality pretty well as far as strangers go. Its hard to know people for sure when you only see their work face. One things for sure, they both like to have a good time. Jeff in particular likes to drink alot. I found out yesterday that he has been dating a co-worker in secret for some time now and that was kind of shocking. I am not paying attention, cause now that I know it makes perfect sense. Anyway, not sure how I feel about it. A little jealous, a little surprised and a little dissappointed in the match up. Not even my business at all, but I still have these feelings. So, last night Ihad a dream that we were having a party and I felt too drunk so I went up to my room and laid on my bed. A few minutes later, Jeff comes in and lays on the bed with me and we are talking and laughing and I feel okay with it even though I know Kipp is downstairs and its late. So, I just about to drift off to sleep when I realize he wants to kiss me so I do and it is very dissappointing. Like kissing a junior high boy who has never done it before. So, then I'm like Huh, well now I know. I think it means that I am getting to be a better judge of character but still want to find out things for myself sometimes. I think it also means I should not take Kipp for granted and maybe should start treating him a little better in the romance dept. Anyway, time for worky. more later.

Is it Friday Yet?

2007-06-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just wanted towalk away from your life and never look back? I've been feeling that way a little lately. Seems like even though things are mostly on track, I have this feeling in the back of my mind that a storm is going to hit any time. I don't know why but I have been thinking lately alot about what my life would be like if I had made different choices. Like ones that involved trusing myself more and everyone else less. I suppose I am right where I am meant to be at this point but occassionally I have a hard time accepting that my life is what it is and its the only one I have. Just as an example, I went out yesterday and spent about 90.00 on some clothes for work. Not a tremendous amount of money and I got two shirts and three summer skirts. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but somehow I do. I started thinking almost immediately that I didn't deserve them, that I didn't really need them ect...I was worried Kipp would be mad at me for spending the money and I agonized over it all afternoon. I hate that. I should be able to spend 100.00 on myself occasionally without ever feeling bad. I've been working really hard at my job and I'm excelling. I deserve a little treat for all that. It's not an easy job to do and sometimes its not all that fun either so if some new clothes make me happy I shoud be okay with it. Anyway, this is just one of many things I waste time feeling guilty about and I'm tired of it. I'm not excessive, I'm responsible. I deserve nice things and its okay to have them once in a while. So, I will wear the new skirt and smile while I do it knowing I worked hard these last four months to get where I am. Next time I meet a goal I will do the same.

Isi t Friday yet?

2007-06-21T06:03:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning...I've been up for an hour and still feel sleepy. Having a hard time getting started this morning. I just want to stay home and put around the yard today. That's not going to happen though. Got to go working today. Jobs still good not much to report there. Had lunch with Jeff yesterday at a little place in Spokane called O Dougherty's bar and grill. Nice atmospere. Suppose to be like an Irish pub but the food was just so so. Nothing to write home about. ONe thing I will say about my job is it is putting my personality to the test. I spend all day talking to customers who sometimes are not very nice. Yesterday I had a woman who was really pushing my buttons just because she figured out she could. I don't care for that so my new focus is going to be on tatics to divert this kind of reaction in myself. I plan to go far with this job so I need to learn to not let people get under my skin.
Its the Summer Solstice today. Longest day of the year. I don't have any great plans except to sit on the balconey tonight and enjoy it. Maybe I will have a beer after work or something too but as far as anything else I am planning to wing it. I like to sit on the balconey and meditate while its dark out. Its so pleasant up there and you feel like no one can see you. TImes like that make me wish I still smoked. Nothing like just sitting in the cool darkness just listening to the night sounds. The dog likes it too. He goes out there during the night to check out any noises or anything he senses. Makes me feel pretty protected. He's a loyal guy.
Well, time for this working stiff to hit the shower. Then comes the never ending question of what to wear to work. I am so sick of my clothes right now. I feel like I have nothing to wear all the time and its not true. However I could use a few summer items in my wardrobe so I think I will try to remedy that this weekend. Go to Target or something on Saturday with Dan. He's been bugging me to take him out there.

GirlsGirls Girls

2007-06-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

So last Friday night I went out with some friends from work. We all went down to this bar near the office and proceded to have a good time. Some of my other friends showed up(yes I have more than one set) and met my work friends. It went pretty well considering. I had about 5-6 beers which is enough to get me blasted. At this point I decided I'd better go home before I can no longer get there. So, I get to work yesterday and Jennie is just all atwitter to tell me what happened later. Turns out that two of the girls in our training class ended up making out with each other and then one of them made out with this guy from the office too. She is engaged and her fiance was there earlier. I guess he went home without her before all this happened. I was pretty shocked to tell the truth. I mean who does that? Now its getting around the office and they don't really even seem embarassed. I would be mortified. I don't think I would ever get that drunk before I started throwing up anyway. Long story short though I won't be hanging with that crowd anymore. It was kind of our last fling cause training is over now and we are settling down to the work. I'm starting to realize just how complicated this job really is. I got a few billing calls yesterday that I really struggled with. Its tough to go back through an account and figure out why we are billing what we are billing. Plus people don't understand it either so they get frustrated and upset about it. I suppose as time goes on I will get better at it. It just takes practice.
My personal life is getting a little better. Kipp seems to be feeling a little more on lately. I guess just leaving him to his own devices has helped. I've tried hard to pull back from him and not let his moods effect mine. Its not that easy to do because its in my nature to try and help. I need to realize that interfering with his path is not the right thing to do.
For my own self, I've been having more of a hard time doing the things I know I should like eating right and exercising regularly. These are two repeating patterns in my life that I get hardily sick of thinking about. I wish I could just discipline my self to do them every day. I do fine during the day, its at night when I am just hanging out that I tend to over do it. Maybe I need to have night time activities planned for myself so I don't do it. I don't know. Sometimes I just think fuck it, I want to eat what I want to eat. However, I know I can do better if I just place some effort into it and then I wouldn't crave all the crap. Its like I can only place my attention on one or two things at a time and thats it. Anyway, I need to get going and take the dog out for a walk. More later

Fathers Day

2007-06-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today is Fathers Day and I forgot all about it until this morning. God my Dad was just here yesterday and I didn't even mention it. So, I am burning him some CDs and sending them in the mail. We had graduation party for Dan yesterday. Thats why my Dad was here. He came out for lunch along with some friends and family. A bunch of Dan's friends showed up too so it was a full house . I think everyone had a good time. We had alot of food and cake left over which I can't seem to stay away from. I am totally PMSing so I can't stop eating for the next four days or I will literally go up in flames. I get quite the appetite around this time of month. It doesn't help that there was a full moon on Friday so I felt extra wacky from that too. Oh well, I gotta be me. Not much to report, just writing to keep it up and get some stuff out of my brain. We actually got some chores done around here today. One of our poor dogs had lice and we didn't know it cause she needed a hair cut pretty bad . I spent my morning dealing with that and then the subsequent clean up. That was the better part of two hours. Then we cleaned a little and moved some furniture around. I did get a two hour nap in around three which was heavenly. I rarely take a nap as I think sleeping in the day time is wasting what little free time I have but it felt good! I think I can manage to make it through another Monday if I don't stay up too late. So now I am just finishing with burning these CD's. I hope to get a couple more loads of laundry done so I have some clothes to wear tomorrow. More exciting adventures on the next episode of Wiiittcchh innnn theeee Ciiiiitttttyyyyyy.........................

Things I think about on the john

2007-06-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

I think about shoes on the john. I like to look at them in magazines while I'm sitting there. I think about where I can come up with some cash to buy them. I think about all the outfits they might go with and where I will wear them. I think about how much they'll hurt my feet, the blisters that will rise. I think about how I will be secretly happy inside when someone says they like them. I think about what I'm going to pack in my lunch and how I need to send the mortgage payment in. I think about the 10.00 late fee I'm going to have to pay for doing it over the phone. I'll think about how I'm not going to let that happen again. I'll think about how it will. I think about the girls I work with and wonder if someone will have a cuter outfit than me. I think about my friend Jennie who sports this gorgeous red hair. I think about my cats and why they insist on drinking out of the bathtub faucet when there is a bowl on the floor next to the tub. I think about whether my 18 yr. old son made it home last night and whether I should go check on him or not. Does this make me totally nuerotic? Yes for sure. This is how fast my thoughts run most of the time. Its very hard for me to shut down the voices in my head, but I'm learning which ones to tune out. That is what being a witch is about. Sorting through the shouting to the quiet one in the center who makes perfect sense . That voice is God whatever form he/she takes. This is what I think about on the john.

Thursday morning wake up call

2007-06-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Jennie's son Skyler who is a total doll as you can tell from this picture.

Just wanted to jot down a couple things before I run off to work. I've spent my morning so far writing up bills for customers and balancing the checking acct. Fun stuff. I got my desk at work finally yesterday. That was fabulous. I know it sounds silly, but I have been working in very small space for about three months now. We are done with training for the most part so they assigned us our spots after a very long wait. I like where I sit, its near the windows. I will probably freeze during the winter. I will have to bring a blanket in. Work is going well otherwise. I'm getting the hang of it and learning where to look for stuff. It takes time, but I think in a few more months I will feel very strong about it.

I just read this great book called Girlbomb by JaniceErlbaum. Its about a young girl growing up in New York City during the 80's. She runsaway from home to live in a shelter because her stepdad is very abusive. The story chronicles her time there and what follows after until she's about 19yrs old. Very interesting story full of sex, drugs and rock and roll. She's not a particularly nice girl but seems to get it together in the end. I love stories like this that are so real to life. I mean most people don't just go to high school, attend prom and go off to college unscaythed. If you do, you're pretty lucky. Anyway, its definately worth the read.
Kipp is having some trouble again with his depression. It seems to be taking over alot lately. He had a better day yesterday but for the past couple weeks he's been low down. I finally had to say something cause it was driving me crazy. I want him to seek some counseling of some sort with a professional who knows how to manage depression better than a family doctor would. He said he would so I will wait and see. It feels like his illness is taking over our life right now. I have had to distance myself from it somewhat so that I don't get sucked in. Been trying to spend a little more time on my own doing the things I like to do. Usually I get caught up in holding his hand trying to comfort him or make a difference. I've kind of decided thats an enabling behavior on my part and I need to stop doing it. So, there it is once again.

Jennie is coming by with Skyler tonight. We are going to eat and drink a couple beers, maybe watch a movie or something. It was suppose to be a few of us, but we are having a party after work tomorrow for our graduation so most people wanted to hold out for that. Thats okay with me cause I have a party here on Sat. for Dan's graduation too.. God I need to figure out what kind of food to have. Not sure exactly how many people are coming but I need to feed them when they get here. I'm too busy right now. I am going to have to stay up cleaning on Friday night to make sure I'm ready since I will have to go to Costco on Sat. morning. Anyway, got to run off and get ready to go now. Later

Workin for the Weekend

2007-06-11T05:38:00.001-07:00

Well, here it is only Monday and I'm already wondering how long till the weekend. I haven't even been to work yet! I could really use a couple days home alone. I don't forsee that happening any time soon. We spent the weekend doing errands on Sat. then went to Jenni's for a little dinner. Sunday I got up, went grocery shopping, came home, cooked, went to Dan's graduation, cleaned up, visited my parents and basically went to bed without doing a single load of laundry for the work week. I am screwed pretty much for getting dressed this morning.

The other good news is my sister had her baby finally and surprise surprise, it was a girl. They were expecting a boy the whole time so we were all really taken back. Her name is Sofina. She's half Samoan with black hair and a good size nose. She will most likely grow into it in a few months. I have to say I'm a little jealous of my sister for getting her. I still think I would like another baby. Its not too late, but I worry that another miscarriage might happen.Its not too likely, but the thought is always there. So, other than that, it was an uneventful weekend. I am having some girls over this week on Thursday night for a full moon fever party. The moon will be full on the fifteenth so its close to time. I am planning on doing a scrap book for my son too so I am going to start working on that soon. Need to send Sofina a couple little hats too. Anyway, that s about it for my exciting life. Its been kind of boring lately. I spend too much time just hanging out with Kipp and not doing my own thing. I need to find a group who is interested in doing some funner things with out benefit of any men on the scene. Last week of training too so I have a couple things to celebrate right now. Fun Fun Fun. More later. Heres a pic of the baby.

Day 2

2007-06-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I did pretty good yesterday with a couple exceptions. I did have a thai chicken burrito for lunch and then Kipp brought me a shrimp pizza for dinner. However, it was very small so that was probably ok. I went and got all my vitamins refilled. I took a big dose yesterday morning and afternoon. I felt good most of the day. Didn't really exercise enough, but I am trying to add stuff a little at a time rather than make a bunch of big changes immediately that I can't stick to.

So, heres somemore stats on where I am:

Weight 180lbs
General physical condition -fair
General mental condition-medium
Some physical conditions:
weak left eye
belly bloat especially at the end of the day
achy feet and upper back
weak core muscles
pms and other menstrual problems
permanent pain in left rotator cusp on shoulder
Generally tired with low energy at night
Skin and hair- not looking the best

So, in other news, Amber still has not had her baby. We are waiting to hear from her. It should be any day now. He is being stubborn about coming out:) Work is going well. We are about one week out from being done with training and on the phones permanently. Won't get our desks until the 18th or so. Kipps work is going good too. He has about 4-5 houses lined up now. I think he could be doing a little better but this is good by comparison to last year so I won't complain. Maybe one of these days we can buy a different business for him that doesn't require so much physical work. I think he would like a coffee stand but who knows, I know I would. We are saving money for him to buy a new snowmobile. Once he gets that purchased, I am going to start saving for a trip somewhere. Not sure where yet, but I want to travel next year someplace warm and tropical. Maybe Mexico, but I am also toying around with Europe. We'll just have to see how it goes.

One last thing, I am practicing meditating without the aide of anything but my mind. That is extremely hard. Here's what I do. I try to visualize an object in my mind until I can see it completely clearly. That is much harder than you think. Especially to not get distracted. Anyway, time to work. More later.

New Day New Way

2007-06-04T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it Monday morning all. Time to get back to the grind. I've decided to do a two week cleanse beginning today. My plan is to try to only eat real food, exercise, eliminate alcohol and any other fun stuff, exercise once per day and see how I feel. Heres how I feel now

1. Tired all the time
2. I have a very heavy feeling in my midsection all the time
3. My mind feels sludgy and thick.
4. My concentration levels are low.
5. I feel old and I have a lot of aches and pains for no reason.

I am beginnning this experiment to see just how sharp I can make myself. I've done it before and after about three days you really start to feel great if you do it right. I just need to be vigilant about my food. That is my biggest downfall is letting my mind control what and when I eat.
I was watching Criss Angel Mindfreak last night which I never have before. His deal is that he practices mind control and conditions his body to the best of his ability. Exercise, good food and concentration exercises to hone its sharpness and control his feelings. He claims he has trained himself to ignore pain and thats why he can do so many crazy things. I believe this is possible and want to try some of this myself. Not crazy stunts but just learning to control my mind rather than letting it control me. I think that is a big part of learning to live a wiccan lifestyle too. I have let my body take over and control how I'm going to eat and I am a little tired of that.
Plus I realize I am having a hard time facing up to the fact that I can be successful and its okay. I am eating out of control because I am letting that fear control me. Its time to change. Need some books. This means I have to pay my library fines! I will document my progress here and see how it turns out. More later..time to hit the shower and get ready for the day.

ART

2007-06-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning

2007-06-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday morning and I've been up since 5:30am. I can never sleep in on the weekends. I guess that's okay cause I don't like to waste my free time sleeping. I save that for weeknights. It seemed like a pretty long week. We were on the phones for the first two and then back in the class room for the last two. Nobody could get into the groove of being back inside:) Its too hard to concentrate when its so nice outside. No one wants to work..including me. I found out where I am going to sit. Its close to a window and Nikki will be close to me. I'm happy about that because I don't know anyone on this team. She has turned out to be pretty funny. I thought she was going to drive me crazy cause she's kind of a bubble head but it has turned out okay. She tells me all her drama about her boyfriends and it makes me laugh.

Went to Jennies the other night for a couple of beers and dinner. Her back deck is in the sun until it gets dark pretty much so that was wonderful to just sit and be warm with a cold beer in hand. She's turned out pretty cool too. I wish she had a little more confidence about herself but I guess when I was her age I was sort of insecure too. I will hopefully post some pics of these people soon so I can remember them when I'm old. I have a feeling I will need photos to jog my memory the way I am going now. So, tomorrow I am suppose to go over there and help her stain her deck. Today I am going to do yardwork and laundry. I need to get to Wally world for some small fencing. Jake is killing all my veggies. He keeps running over the top of them. I noticed last night that I am actually getting some raspberries on the bushes this year. I can't believe it. Plus they are putting up suckers so I should have twice as many next year. Yippee!

Okay, new album for people to check out. Hank Williams the third Straight out of Hell. Catchy title dont you think? Its good...good....good. Very blue grass hill billy sounding on most of it.Funny lyrics combined with great fiddle and steele guitar work. Haven't had an opportunity to read much lately. Too nice outside but I am considering taking a book out in the backyard later today to work on my tan. Anyway, that's it for now. Not much else to report. My life is boring ......my card is declined. Thats all folks

Billing final finale'

2007-05-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

Just got back from eating with Jennie and Steph from work. Went over to Jennies for a sit down on the back deck with a couple beers. Very nice. Sun was shining, beer was cold and company was good. I'm really getting to like these two girls alot. Poor Steph has suffered from one bad date after another lately.. I am going to have to buen a candle or two for her to find the last good guy out there. I am sure glad to be happily married and not on the dating scene thats for sure. Took Jake over so he could play with Steph's dog Jane. They really love each other and play alot when they get together. Its so good for him to get to just run himself out. Anyway it was a much needed respite from work. We took our billing final today which I got a 90% on so I was pretty happy. I would have like a 100% but hey I passed and I'm sure I will get it all down in the future. It just takes more experience looking at them. I feel really good about my job though and am happy with how I've done. I expect I will feel like an old hand really soon. Waiting to get my desk assignment is becoming annoying cause in the mean time I have to work at an extremely small station in the training room and that is getting old. I want some space of my own with a desk and a place to store my crap!.. found a great pair of jeans today on sale at Nordstroms for 20.00..Really lucky. I wanted to give myself a little reward for working all that overtime last week so that's what I got. Well its almost 10pm so I better turn in.....Night John Boy,,,night Gramma.

2007-05-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

Well, its Monday morning and halleluyah I don't have to go to work today. I got up early and took a ritual bath, ate a good breakfast, drank some great coffe and am getting ready to do some office work. I finally figured out how to get my photos to post. I forgot to click the terms of agreement box. Once I figured that out, it was easy peasy.

I've been thinking about the fact that I label my blog Witch in the City and I want to clarify what that means. First of all, I do not worship any dark entities or spirits. I don't really believe in that sort of thing. I also don't spend alot of time casting spells although on occasion I do attempt to manifest things that I want to happen. My spiritual belief is that I should attempt to contribute to the positive flow of energy that exists in the universe by good works,thoughts and deeds. I attempt to minimize my contributions to the negative as much as I can. I spend some time actively meditating and visualizing. Sometimes I try to connect with others in this manner, mostly my husband because he is into it and I get alot of relief from him when I need it. He has a great ability to meld with my energy so to speak. I think he doesn't fully understand what I do but is generally accepting of it. The other big part of my practice is in the kitchen and garden. I consider myself a good cook and I love to make all kinds of food. I have a good knack for combining flavors and textures to good ends without benefit of a recipe. The other thing I like to do is take a basic baking recipe and expand on it to make it healthier, using organic ingredients. Someday, I would love to have a little coffee shop specializing in purely organic treats. My other big passion is growing things. I have a pretty decent size flower garden given the size of my yard. I also have a smallish patch where I have tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, garlic and onions. I have herbs scattered throughout the place and use them in cooking when they are in season. I truly believe in the power of food and its ability to heal the body. So, aside from not following a christian path, I am just like most others, although I feel that on the inside I am truly an artist and cooking and gardening are how it comes out. I also have a deep connection to nature and the earth. Sometimes I get a picture in my mind of a lush green forest and I can just tell that somewhere in time that is where I come from. If I could, I would leave the city and live in a deep forest somewhere inside a tree with my dog and a fire for company. That seems like the most peaceful existance ever. I guess that is just dreaming though, because the powers that be seem to have another plan for me. At any rate, that is my story and I'm sticking to it. Outside of those things, I love music,friends and fun..like anyone else. So, if someone tells you they are a witch, don't let the word decided who they are for you. You may have no idea who they are or what that means to them. Here's a couple more garden shots for you all to enjoy whoever you may be....the handsome guy in the tux is my son who will be 18 in a couple weeks. He is on his way to a disastorous prom date, but doesn't know it yet in this shot. Still he looks great!

Summertime and the livin's easy

2007-05-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

It is a gorgeous Sunday afternoon in Spokane today. About 70' and sunny with just a little bit of wind. My garden is blooming like crazy all of a sudden. I've been taking pictures of different flowers as they bloom for a collage I have in mind. Not exactly sure how I am going to arrange it yet, but I have the idea to make one that exemplifies who I am at this point in my life. I've got the gardening and pet part going so far. Need to look further for additional stuff. I want to incorporate some knitting some how and some fashiony stuff along with my family too. Maybe I will use yarn to create some type of border and do it bulletin board style. Still working on that idea.
I was so happy to be able to stay home yesterday. I still got up early, but did take a four hour nap in the afternoon that felt really good. Getting up at four am is alot harder now than it used to be. Plus I have to go to bed by 9pm for sure or I am just useless the next day. I'm really enjoying the job so far and have made a few friends there that I like. Two girls in particular have been hanging out with me alot. Stephanie is 24, single, loves dogs and wants to move into a house really bad. Jennie is 31yrs old, single but with a steady boyfriend and a seven year old boy. They are both pretty cool. We've gone out for beers a couple times and Jennie has been over once for coffee. I don't usually make great friends with women, but I get a feeling I am meant to have these two in my life for some reason. Steph is very close in age to my daughter Chelsea and Jennie just loves music and is alot of fun to be around. Its nice having some commraderie and someone to just talk girl talk with for a change. I have been hanging out with Kipp pretty much non stop for the past six months which has been great, but the change of scenery is nice..anyway, here are some pictures of my latest flowers. Hope they post okay..By the way for any of you music lovers out there try this: Hank Williams the third-Straight to Hell. Great old style country with awesome fiddle playing in it. Okay they are not going to post today but still take a listen to the music....www.dancingoutlaw.com is an interesting website off the album as well...later gators

Overtime

2007-05-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

I've been working a bunch of overtime this week so I haven't had much time to do any writing. Our company had to close an office back east due to some sort of fumes in the bldg so all calls are being routed to us. Its been crazy busy and I have to get up at 4am to get to work by 6am. I'm feeling pretty tired today but luckily I'm only working until noon and then get a three day weekend. The phones are lighting up already so I guess I better get on it. More later

Still Raining

2007-05-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Monday morning and its still raining. Nice and green outside! I'm at work and all the phones in our sister office out in New York are down so we are on the phones most of the day today. I do service work for an insurance company. We are still in training and have been for the past three months. I am just about ready to get out of here and do my real job. Its hard to stay in a room with the same people day after day while still being nice to everyone.
I spent the weekend working in the yard and trying to keep my dog under control. He is very restless as he isn't getting walked enough right now. I did get a ton of work done out in the flower beds though and ended up putting fertilizer on my veggies plus planted carrots and spinach out there too. Kipp is off today from painting but will be working on bids and bills. He's coming down here and we're having lunch together. WEll thats it for now. More later.

Sunday Rainy Sunday

2007-05-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Its raining here today. The neighborhood is all green with everyone's flowers blooming. It looks great. I took a long walk this morning with my dogs and husband. We have a new dog that is a German Shepherd mix. He's about 1yr old and wild as hell. He doesn't get near the amount of excercise he should right now and it is driving all of us crazy. So, this morning I got up determined to do something about it. We went to the nearby park and threw a ball for him until he wouldn't chase it anymore. After that we made him walk about ten blocks to get back home. Didn't really seem to tire him out at all. Mostly what he does is spend all his time bothering my cats. They hate it but tolerate it for some strange reason. I don't really understand it but they have their own system that works for them.
I've been gone from my blog for a long time. Many things have happened since the last time I posted, the biggest one being that I am working again. I finally got hired back at Travelers doing service work. For those of you who don't know, they are an insurance company that I've worked for in the past. A huge corporate monster to be fair. I heard they made more money last year than American Express. Now I don't know if its true or not, but I feel kind of conflicted about working there. On the one hand, the pay is nice and the mental stimulation is good. On the other it is so hard for me to sit in an office all day and not get to be outside. I've gained a much greater appreciation for the free time I have. Makes me realize that spending small amounts of time here and there doing the things you love can have a big effect on your well being and stress level. I'm doing my best to walk every day and decompress in constructive manners when I can. Any way, I am fairly happy. Life is back on track and I am feeling very positive about the direction my life is going in. I have some goals to work towards and I'm happy with the direction work is taking me. I think I will be able to stay there for a few years and get some great experience. Got to sign off for now and take the kid to work. Here's a picture of the new dog..

Interviews

2007-01-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well, Its January 3rd and things are really back to normal now except I am still not working. This is becoming very frustrating to me. I did have an interview yesterday that went pretty well. I talked to this guy at an upholstery shop a couple months ago. He was pretty interested then, but I wasn't sure about it. Then yesterday I saw he was still looking so I sent my resume. I needed to take Dan's guitar over to a repair shop so on my way back, I stopped in at this place and talked to the guy for about 1 1/2 hours. He seems like a real hardass and the retail manager was kind of hard to read but she basically told me he is a real hard ass and can be difficult to work for. She also eluded to the fact that the other women in the office were kind of bitchy so I am not sure I want to take the job even if they offer. I kind of feel like I have to at this point but don't want to get myself in a situation where I hate what I am doing just to make money. It was a good thing to do though in the respect that it was really out of my comfort zone to just stop in. It made me think about the things I was saying in the interview process a little more too. I still feel like I am trying to hide the fact that I got fired, but if he wasn't bringing it up I wasn't going to either. I think that was the right thing to do. So, now I will get back on line and take a look around at what else is out there. I see Travelers is still looking for reps but they have not called me back yet. I sent the HR manager an email yesterday but never heard back from her which I think is totally rude but what can you do except move on. So the hunt continues.
On another subject, I managed to get through the whole day without arguing with Kipp at all. That is a miracle for me but I am starting to realize that I say alot of unecessary things that set him off. I don't know how for 12 yrs I missed that fact that he absolutely hates being analyzed but he does, so I am trying to stop doing it. I don't want to sound like he is crazy for it because what it boils down to is me criticizing him and no one likes that, me especially. He also hates it when I analyze others, so I am going to try to keep that stuff in my head from now on which is nearly impossible but I test I must pass to grow and change. I love him and want us to be happy for a change and most of this work needs to come from me. He told me to make myself happy so I am going to. I suppose that might involve things that he doesn't like too but its all part of it.
Last night I had a very long involved dream that I can't remeber all of but one thing that stands out is this:
I am in a crowd of people on what I think is my high school football field, this woman who is an old friends Mom is approaching me. This woman had long white hair and kind of your stereotypical "witchy" appearance when we were kids and this is how she looks in the dream..she was always a really nice lady. In the dream, she walks up to me and sizes me up then says, you are pregnant again or something like that. All of a sudden I realize that what she is saying is true. I feel scared because I am thinking of the miscarriage but also excited because I know she is right. Then the dream moves on to something else. When I wake up this morning I am a little dissappointed because I am actually having my period right now. So , when I looked up the meaning on a dream site it says that it means I am going thru some changes that will allow me to grow and maybe some new ideas are forming within. SO, I will move on today with a good outlook and keep trying to move forward.
Kipp will be gone for the next three days so I will have some time to myself finally, finally finally. I love having him around, but it seems like I have not been alone in the house for months. This will give me time to cast and meditate like I've been wanting to without fear of interuption. I think I will go to Huckleberries today and get some sage and a couple other items to work with tonight. Time to start focusing heavily on prosperity and success for myself. I knoow that the power to facilitate change in my life is inside me and its time to unleash the beast so to speak. I am tired of feeling like everybody else has the control over my life. I have it I have just been afraid to find it. Game on people Game on......

I'm Backkk

2007-01-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

Okay- New outlook on my writing. In order to change yourself you have to change yourself. So, in light of that earthshattering observation, I am going to try a new way of writing. I will only write about the positive stuff in my life first and then if the negative stuff seems worth it, I will write about that. Here it goes:
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 38. I have a whole year ahead to do with what I will. I am determined to make it the best year of my life. I spent the day with my family. My son trekked up to the mall in freezing cold weather to buy me a birthday gift and then rode the bus home to give it to me. He bought me a very cute little ceramic fairy girl to add to the one I have in the bathroom. He is such a good kid. I am very lucky. My husband made me a birthday breakfast and spent some time doing some things around the house that he knew I would like. We hung out together quite a bit and all in all it was a nice day. A couple of my friends called me as well as my Mom and Daughter. My daughter called to tell me that they have changed the date for the wedding. They moved it up to Sept 29th. They did so because they are taking a honeymoon cruise in Oct up and down the east coast. I am so pround of her. She is doing so well and so is my son. They really inspire me to try harder to make a happy life for myself. I worry some about Chelsea as she is alot like me and tends to take on too much responsibility. I think she is healthier than I though so will most likely be fine.
So, here are some things I want to do this year:
Top of the list-cultivate my relationships with otheres so that next year I will know at least 2 new people that I can call friends
1. Make my garden bigger and take stuff to the farmers market to sell.
2. travel to at least one place I have not been in the US
3. Get a job that I can work at for at least three years
4. Work on getting out of debt
5. Lose 20 more lbs
6. Expand my spiritual practice and really learn to use it to my advantage
7. Write in my blog every morning before I leave the house.
8. Do one thing that scares me, like climb something high or go somewhere alone
9. Read more books and watch less tv
10. Get and remain sober

This is a short list but I am going to set small goals to make this happen for myself. I am tired of living the way I do and want a better life. I finally understand that a better life is there for the taking, but no one will just walk up and say "Here, you look like you need a better life." You have to take it for yourself and its okay to want it and there is nothing to fear in trying to get it. Who cares what other people think about it. Its not wrong to want good things and by good things I mean happiness and joy right where you are. So, I will work on that and try to remain positive every day. I know it sounds a little merry sunshine but my own negative attitude just doesnt work anymore and its time to make something else work now.

Good day all and see you in the morning!

Day 1

2007-01-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

Its New Years day. A whole year is gone from my life. What did I accomplish in 2006. Not much if I really think about it. Time is slipping away and I am sitting here wasting it at this computer wondering what is the point of all this. Why can't I just feel normal and have a normal successful life. I am my own worst enemy. I have spent so much time worrying about what everybody else is doing and sitting around feeling superior because why?? Why do I think I know anything about what anyone else should be doing. I keep thinking I am doing so much internal work and trying so hard to change. I've done nothing....NOTHING my life is shit right now. There's not much further down I could go. Here is the list of things that are wrong with my life right at this very moment

1. I have no money.
2. I have no job
3. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk that I have no way of paying
4. My self esteem is in the toilet
5. I have allowed myself to become isolated from my friends and family
6. I am an emotional wreck
7. I feel afraid and paralyzed
8. I am on the brink of buldozing my relationship over a cliff
9. I am still 25lbs overweight and gaining
10. My old dog is pissing and shitting all over the house daily and I don't want to make the decision to put her to sleep.
11. Its my birthday and my husband is not even speaking to me.
12. I am as unhappy as I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it.

There-
That is a total and complete list of all the negative stuff in my life at the moment. It sounds pretty pathetic to sit here and list it all out but this is my way of mapping out what needs to change. Maybe looking at it in black and white will help me take some inventory and do the foot work necessary to change my life. I don't know how I got to this point in time or why but I do know it is time to say Fuck all of everyone else and just learn to go out and take what I need to be content with myself and my life. I don't care if I lose my marriage, my house, my cars, anything. I just want to come to a place where for once in my stupid pathetic life I feel happy. If only someone would just turn on a light and show me the path to take it would be so much easier. Don't see that happening and this post has turned into one big whine fest. I always get this way when I get my period for my birthday. I'm just so freakin tired of having such a hard time all the time. I feel like a twelve year old who just can't quite make the leap into adulthood and a mature way of thinking. I don't even know what mature thinking looks or feels like. I just mostly feel dissappointed with myself and basically have no belief that I can change anything right now. I guess I will go back to bed and just wait for this day to be over so I can start looking for a job again. I absolutely cannot believe I haven't found one yet. It has never been so hard for me to find work. Ususally I just think about finding a job and one falls into my lap. I suppose this is my karma coming back to bite my methaphorical ass. I know in my heart I brought all this shit on myself with my own self destructive behavior. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I tell myself all the time, okay learn the lesson, change, change now, you are intelligent and you can see it, now change and I never seem to be able to...........How do you reach down inside yourself and pull out the part of your being that is where the courage is.........I can't seem to find that part of me. Is it just missing???What seems to be in that spot is blind fear. Letting go of that fear is singlemost difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. I recognize it, I see it there, like a chunk of blackend wood in a campfire, always glowing slightly in the middle. An eye if you will watching me from the inside waiting to flare up at the slightest attempt to extinguish it. Sick as I am I am comforted by it, warmed up a little bit by its presence there. I've carried that chunk of wood around since I was a very little girl and setting it down and walking away just doesn't seem possible. What if I am cold without it, what if I can't see in the dark, what if that chunk of wood is who I am and without it I am nothing...but what if it burns out and fades away and all that is just a bunch of illusion. I know logically there is nothing to fear in the world really and by not taking that chance I am limiting myself to a very small world indeed. Thoughts to think about for sure for sure.....I'm very glad no one reads this drivel..........

Last Call

2006-12-31T07:57:00.000-08:00

Its the last day of 2006. It's kind of limping out quietly with it's tail between its legs. I sure hope 2007 has some magic in store for me. Its not been what I'd call a stellar year. I've gone over that enough now. Time to let it all go and just forge ahead.
First item on the agenda is to find another job ASAP! I haven't been so broke since I was in college and it is getting old. I signed up with the temp agency and I am hoping that will help me find something that I really like. I'm looking at it like an opportunity to try some different areas out and see what comes up. I realize now that no one is going to make it a priority to help me. I have to do it myself and even though that sucks, that is the reality of my situation. So, I will submit some online stuff today and when Tuesday rolls around, I am going to hit some different places like coffee shops, bakeries etc....just to see what I can find. Networking is going to be the key so I have to get out there and find some stuff.
On another note, I am starting to study more and try to educate myself on a regular basis. One thing I want to do this week is go to the library. I need some books on organic gardening and such so I can at least read about what I want to do. I am very interested in learning to build trellis and the like so I can try out some vines and other things that need support. I got out my Grandpas old gardening books yesterday. They are so funny because they are from the 50's. Every page tells you to use chemicals, they are not harmful. I laughed too because in every picture its a guy doing the work and he is smoking a pipe in every frame. Funny! I have had the planting bug severely for the past few days. I am trying to supplement with houseplants but its not the same. It will do for now though. My plan is to make a very long rectangle shaped garden on the east side of my house. It gets alot of sun there so I will be able to plant a huge herb bed there. I need to improve the soil some but it should be a great spot because I can also use the fence to grow stuff too. Looking forward to being able to get outside into the fresh air. At this time of year, my body actually is longing for it. Anyway. thats it for now.

Taking it to the streets

2006-12-29T07:50:00.002-08:00

Its Friday morning, almost 8am. Time to get on the job hunt once again. I sent off a little speil this moringing that should help me out. A denouncement about how I feel about work. Hope I can live up to it. Sometimes its hard to take a crappy job and make it good. I don't really know anything about this job however so I won't assume its crappy. The nice thing is it is right downtown so I am hoping to get it for that reason alone. Save alot of money in gas and parking etc.... I like that . Plus I can walk when the weather gets nicer. I like that too..
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.

I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater

Taking it to the streets

2006-12-29T07:50:00.001-08:00

Taking it to the streets

2006-12-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

Getting back on the Horse

2006-12-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

Had a good job interview today. I went down to Officeteam and did all their testing Went better than I expected to. I knew more about Excell than I realized, a lot less about Word. All in all though my scores were good. They thought they could place me with a company downtown right away. I had to take a personality test and will have to do the drug screen yet another time. I do not relish peeing in a cup at all..but not a big deal either. I hope I like it when I get there. There is a possibility of going permanent. Just want a paycheck for now. Got ideas for gardens swimming in my head- need to focus on plans for that idea. All that takes cash so I gotta hustle up and make some. Got the bug to grow something bad today. Took the last of my Christmas money and bought myself some new houses plants to mess around with until the weather gets better. I always feel like the house breathes better with alot of plants around. The cats have found it endlessly fun too. They spend all their spare time scooping dirt out on to the kitchen floor. Little bastards!!!anyway, other than eating way to much tonight as a result of too much stress right now I've had a pretty good day. I felt it was productive so tomorrow I will try some more and see what happens.

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

feelings are baggage from your past

Its okay to leave your bags at the airport

If you don't want them anymore

Or if they are so worn out you can't drag them across the parking lot cause the handle is broke and the zipper won't close

In other words when they are no longer useful to you

Just set them down and walk away

It will set you free......................

New Batteries

2006-12-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well, it is finally coming to an end. My sister and her kid get back on the bus this morning to head back to Seattle. It was fun having them here, but I am glad to have my house back.
On another note, I have a job interview today. Its for Office team which is a temp service. I applied for a customer service job out in Liberty Lake that pays very well so I hope that is the one they have in mind. Since I've made up my mind about my Farmers Market business, I'm not so concerned with what I do for actual work. Not that important, just need the work.
Now that everyone is leaving I am going to cleanse the house tonight. Just a little ceremony to clean and dispell any lingering energy that is not helpful. I usually use a sage smudger and incense with a devoted meditation for good measure. Doing this causes you to focus directed thought throughout your home charging it with postitive energy. This last year has really made me feel I have the right to call myself a witch as I have been through an awful lot and without it I don't think I could have kept my feet on the ground. I've been kicking around the idea of writing a biography but something tells me I am not there yet.
Went to wonders of the world yesterday with Amber and Emily to shop. That was fun and they have a ton of stuff in there that I want to make myself. The wands in particular were very cool. Thought of going to the river when it is down and collecting the drift branches to make them out of. Decorated with leather and crystals they will be very nice. I could also use glass from Shawn and Leslie. I thought carving them some would look good too. Maybe Runes symbols or Zodiac. At any rate, it would give me a project to work on besides watching TV or fighting with Kipp.
The final word of the day is that I may go to a witch's group tonight. I still haven't fully decided as I am a little nervous meeting up with new people but something tells me I may meet someone important there. Tah for now. more later of course

The next day the witch woke up and ............

2006-12-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Its Wednesday. I hate Wednesday during a week I am not working cause it doesn't matter when the weekend comes or not. This is driving me crazy. Now that I have decided I want to work of course I can't find a decent job in my super fast time frame that I want it all to come together in. I do however want to find something I will really like so I guess I need to be patient and believe that I will be alright. Right at this moment in my life I would pack up my cat and all my crap and move off to a cabin in the woods and live the life of a hermit. I would just love to have some solitude away from all the noise of my life so that I can figure some shit out. I don't really foresee that happening however so I will just live out a little fantasy in my head and leave it at that. I swear though one of these days soon(meaning after Dan is done with School) I am setting out on an adventure all by myself and I am not coming back until I am damn good and ready. Everybody should have one good pilgrimage in thier life to show them life can be different. The urge to see other places is growing very strong and I don't really have a desire to squash it either. I'm going eventually and this time I don't care what anybody thinks about it. Later on I might regret it but for now I feel like I deserve it. I've been doing what everybody else wants me to do for long enough. Time for a little fun and a little travel to strange places and big spaces.

The totally especially magically really really bad day

2006-12-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

Today was a bad, bad ,bad day. I had family here all day again today and I have just completely had it...I am so sick of all of them and all our disfunction. Who new what giant fiaso layed in store for me when I opened my eyes this morning. I should have known by the way it was snowing like a blizzard as my feet hit the floor. I should have rolled over and gone back to sleep, for several days.........I knew my husband was pissed the minute he woke up since we did not have sex last night. He ripped right into me first thing so that set my mood up nice and shitty since I know deep down I have been avoiding him on purpose. The big L on my forehead keeps wedging itself between us in such a manner as to prevent any fun in the bedroom. One thing led to another and we were at each others throats with all the big weapons out. Time to turn it up....it totally sucked....so in the mean time I go off somewhere to cool down a little and then my parents call to say they are still coming and I was so thinking I was off the hook from all the snow. But no apparently my Dad was really jonesing for a grandkid fix so they trekked in here despite the bad weather. So, they get here, I've got no plan for food, we have been fighting all morning and its 1pm and my husband is sucking down beers like theres no tomorrow. Finally we go to the store, get some food, we sit down and eat it. My Mom starts telling some story about how my great gramma spanked my grandpa every day whether he needed it or not. At this point my husband starts this huge arguement about what a bunch of crap that was. On and on and on they are argueing back and forth. Needless to say my husband proved his point and my mother ended up crying and I ended up crying and my sister is crying. I am so pissed at my husband cause the whole time I feel like I have to mediate the whole process so I am just at my whits end at this point. SO, then we have this whole thing of crying together and it was just like a scene from some fucking made for TV holiday special. What a load of crap I hate this shit, I hate the damn drama of it, I hate having to deal with my family crap out in public like that and by public I mean my immeidate family. Who are these people and why am I so totally stuck with them???I don't get it...why did God or what ever force created us set us up to be full of so much chaos. Why do some people have a built in ability to direct their energy to obtain thier dreams and goals and other people like me spin in circles and stay jumbled up for thier whole life. God I feel so out of control right now and that feeling is just so tough to flow with.....this whole day was given to me as some sort of cosmic gift is the crazy part because I am already figuring some shit out. I did a tarot reading the other day that didn't make much sense at first, but after this day, I know thats what the cards were showing me. It described all the key pieces and players in this little scenario to a T after I thought about it for a little bit. I have been asking for a teacher to be sent to me recently, I didn't know that it would come in this form, but I need to accept it and learn the lesson here. I know in my heart the reason Kipp got so mad is that he felt like he was defending me. I don't think I ever really felt that from him before. It surprised me because it made me see that he really does love me and I've never felt sure before. It scares the hell out of me to trust someone that much....literally I feel my body close down and seal off from his energy any time I sense any thing off. I get so scared inside of the unknown circumstances of a given situation that I act wrecklessly to try and control the outcome. I do it without even consciencously being aware but that thought come to me suddenly when I was walking tonight and I know its a truth for me. I get very apprehensive if I sense displeasure. It also came to me that at the very core of who I am is a person who doesn't trust herself. All my personal relationships and experiences are influenced by that fact. I suppose this is the type of shit Dr. Phil is talking about when he mentions your authentic self . I need to recognize this and start to build that trust so I can move forward. Listen to the voice in your head just not the loud obnoxious one-try to hear the quiet one that comes from the back and speaks softly in your ear. Thats the one that speaks the truth.

When I was a little girl
I felt like I was magic inside
Like I carried around a little gold spark
that sometimes showed in my eye
Somewhere along the way
my eye fell out.........

Its so over...

2006-12-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

Finally the Holidays are over. I never consider New Years a holiday really. You aren't required to make any special food or buy anyone a gift etc....so that's pretty cool. I am glad they are finally done with and I can get back to the buisness of real life. My sister is still here and will be til Thursday morning but other than that we are done. I am going to take my resume to Steve today and hopefully that will generate some interest. I'm still waiting to hear from Travelers but won't be able to talk to anyone down there until Thursday. I guess I just need to be open, not panic and keep my ears open. I've decided that I am going to take any job I can find as I want to turn my garden areas into a little herb farm for the Farmers Market. I really liked doing that last year and want to continue this Spring again. I will focus mostly on culinary herbs but may also try to do tea as well. Kipp is going to help me turn the little garage into a green house so that will make things easier. I can do starts in there in the next 8 weeks or so and that will give me a focus. I feel really excited about it and sounds like both Kipp and Dan are willing to help me out. My idea is to expand eventually to a bigger farm area and possibly have a store as supplemental. I think and organic market might go well over where my Dad lives. Just a matter of a little money and alot of work. I could do it right here too. I would like a little metaphysical store maybe too to cater to the locals who practice. Just stuff like books, jewlery, alter stuff. We will just have to see what happens but now I have a focus so I need to get a job asap! I will keep working on it this week which is all I can do really. Something will turn up and I will like it more than likely.... Later Here's a couple pics from Christmas.

Family Fun

2006-12-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to Palouse for the annual Christmas gathering with my husbands family. It was alot of fun. Everybody pretty much was there and we had a really good time. Even Derek made it over who is my husbands cousin. He lives in Bellingham and works as a landscaper. He's a cutie and fun to talk to as well. All the kids were there running around and wrecking havoc with everybody and everything they could possible get thier little hands on. Magically though nobody had a melt down until the very end when people were starting to leave. Lars was just so dissappointed it was over that he ran through the house crying his little head off! Pretty funny really. It was pleasant to just eat and talk and eat and talk with everyone. Then when we got back to Spokane, we went over to our friends Leslie and Shawns for a little Christmas party they were having. Pretty cool as they had turn tables set up and homemade wine was flowing freely. We even got a bottle to take home with us. Cherry flavor....While I was doing a little shopping yesterday I picked up a chunk of Citrine for some reason. I just saw it and thought, I need to have that. Then when I got home Leslie had made me this totally cool necklace as a gift. I was so not expecting it which made it even better so when we went to the party, I gave her the citrine. She really seemed to like it so I guess it was meant for her. Anyway, have to go get ready to head up to my Mom's which should also be fun. I will post more on that later.....

One Day and Counting

2006-12-23T06:21:00.000-08:00

Its beautiful outside right now. Its 6:30am and snowing fairly hard. The streets are quiet and it seems so peaceful.. I can't wait until I live out in the woods so I can totally experience a full winter without the interuption of the city. For now I will be glad for what I have. Waiting for this new segment of my life to start is getting a little tiresome. My frustration level is high so I have to remember that things happen in the manner they do for a reason. I registered with office team last night so hopefully that might generate some interest. Next week I am taking Steve my resume and I am hitting the streets with it to look for work. I am a warrior in my heart and I am no longer willing to sit back and wait for Kipp to take care of our situation. I don't know why I thought he should in the first place. I'm losing faith in him little by little and it really hurts me to think that but I feel its the truth. He is losing himself in alcohol and other things and slowly turning away from me. I suppose it was inevitable since we are both addicts at heart. Maybe our paths are meant to separate but I hope not. I still love him just not his actions. I can't stand seeing him feel so frustrated all the time. He is hurting too and we are both wondering how we got to this point in our lives. However, I am not willing to settle for this. I want more from my life than a short stint of success and then nothing but dissappointment. I'm thinking of trying to start a group to meet with once a week for support and witchiness. I want to develope my skills and learn to use them to my advantage. I keep putting my personal growth on the back burner never letting myself fully experiment with what I can possibly reach. I think I am still a little bit scared of turning away from conventional religion fully. Its strange because I know in my heart that the things I have learned are the truth. There are just too many obvious answers to ignore it all. Old habits die hard I guess. I feel very isolated right now and finding a group of women to help me along might strenghthen my spirit enough to find some resolution. Here are some pictures I took a couple days ago. Some of them remind me of fairy houses and hiding spots. Enjoy!

She's Hereeeeeeeeeeee.....................

2006-12-22T07:30:00.000-08:00

Well, my sister got in last night around 6pm and almost immediately all the old crap between us reared its ugly head . In my mind anyway. She was annoying me from almost the minute she stepped into my house. I don't know why. Old habits die hard I suppose. Its all me I know cause she is just herself no matter what. I hate that certain people have the power to make me feel uncertain about myself and who I am. Keeping my mouth in check was no easy task and it didn't help that my husband was getting drunk and acting like a dork. Not a big deal but I really wasn't in the mood for it. I suppose I will have to meditate and do a little banishing ceremony so I can behave myself. No easy task as I sometimes have very little self control in this area. I will try try try. The basis of it is that I am jealous. It seems like she is living a better or different life than me and I feel stuck where I am right now. She's having a baby and I lost mine. Blah Blah Blah Blah......Wha Wha Wha.....I just need to shut up and act like a human. Its Christmas and I am not going to ruin it by acting like a bitch so there. Later all

Time Time Time is on my side yes it is........

2006-12-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

Day one of no work. Got up at 7am and low and behold it had snowed last night. I could tell as soon as I woke up cause the light had that certain quality about it. When I 'm done here I'm going to take my dog out for a walk. I am looking forward to the day so I can get the house in order and tomorrow I do all my baking for the weekend ahead. Winter Solstice is upon us and my 38th birthday is one week ahead of me. This has not been what I would call a stellar year. Too much chaos and not enough progress. The lessons learned have been hard and harsh but I feel like I am about to come out the other side. I'm ready to make some changes and get back on track. Financially, things are not looking good but I am about to get a new job so things will get better soon.
My sister will be here tonight and I am looking forward to that. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. Now that she lives in Hawaii I hardly even email her because where she lives is out of WIFI range. We have not had the best relationship over the years and I would like to change that. I've come to recognize that it won't be long before she is all I have left of my family besides my kids. I need to mend the fence with her. We've never really talked about it but I am fairly sure she holds the same practices as myself. I know she doesn't consider herself a witch but she believes pretty much the same as me and thats a good common bond.
She is suppose to be bringing me so cool bags from the asian market and will also bring my niece who is spoiled but I love anyway. She's a good girl that has kind of had to suffer her Mom's flaky life. I think she is okay now . She lives with her Dad and they have a new baby named Samantha oddly enough. I think Emily really likes her much to her surprise. She was pretty pissed when she first found out. Silly girl She didn't know that babies are magic and that almost everyone loves them.
I will be going out to see my friend Cheryl next week and help her set up her baby room. She is having a little girl on the 2nd of Jan. They tried for the 1st but the Doc. wouldn't come in on a holiday. At any rate I am excited. Her name is Syana and I will post some pics when she gets here. Not much else going on right now, so I will get in the shower and get outside before the storm gets any worse. Will probably post some pics of the snow later. Tah for now

Five things

2006-12-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

Five things you probably dont know about me:
1. I used to live on a farm and broke horses when I was a teenager
2. I was a bartender in a former life
3. I rode a big motor cycle for 3 years
4. I graduated from WSU with an animal science degree
5. I have had plastic surgery

Interesting day. Last night while I was meditating, I was really concentrating on being open to new opportunities and to accepting where I am in my life. This morning when I got to work I found out I am being laid off again effective pretty much immediately. However, my boss happens to be a boy genius and has a million contacts within the banking idustry. He told me he thinks I am a good fit to be a personal banker and that if I want he can send my resume out to some places. Basically according to him he can get me in somewhere if I want him to. This is great because I've not been sure I wanted to go back to insurance and was hoping to move in a new direction. I'm not counting on him to get me the job, but if he can get me some interviews I can do the rest. I kept wondering why I was placed in that position and what lesson I was suppose to learn. Well, I got the lesson down,appreciate what you have and don't take it for granted. The other part though is I was supposed to meet Steve so he could help me move on. COOL Deal and concrete proof that the universe takes care of you if you ask and are willing to be open. So, now I need to polish up my resume and take it in to him so he can pass it on to some of his buddies. Time to get ready for sleep and do a little more witch work . Later all

Over the hump

2006-12-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

Its mid week before Christmas and I am looking forward to some time off
The one thing I don't like about a regular job in an office is you never have the time to do anything you want to do. During the week you work and during the weekend you clean and get ready to work. It can be monotonous. The best thing is it is almost winter solstice:
Longest Night of the Year
The winter solstice marks the shortest day and the longest night of the year. The sun appears at its lowest point in the sky, and its noontime elevation appears to be the same for several days before and after the solstice. Hence the origin of the word solstice, which comes from Latin solstitium, from sol, “sun” and -stitium, “a stoppage.” Following the winter solstice, the days begin to grow longer and the nights shorter.
This makes me happy cause that means we are heading into Spring even though Solstice marks the beginning of winter rather than the end. I am going to have a little ceremony I think to mark the occasion tomorrow night. I'm making some spiced cider and we will have a nice dinner with my sister.
For Witches solstice has a more importanta meaning as follows:
darkness and the longest night of the year. The Winter Solstice had been associated with the birth of a "Divine King" long before the rise of Christianity. Since the Sun is considered to represent the Male Divinity in many Pagan Traditions, this time is celebrated as the "return of the Sun God" where He is reborn of the Goddess . It seems to me that this is quite similar to the Christian story of Jesus being born of a virgin mother. I like both versions myself because the christian story speaks more to humanity and the pagan version speaks of renewal of the earth. They are both symbols of the constant renewal of life showing us the way to live a spiritual existance and the importance of revering all in the world not just that which is human.
As the New Year comes I will turn 38yrs old. It seems to me my time is passing so quickly. There are still so many things I want to do that seem out of reach to me. However, there are many things I want to do that are totally within my reach and I vow not to waste any of what is left to me. It is my goal to create the life I want for my self every day. Part of being a witch is discovering who you really are at your core. To do this requires much work and diligence but in the end you know yourself. I have not acknowledge my true self in years because I have been to consumed by what others told me I was. Now its time for me to be me without reservations, without fear and without the influence of those who don't truly know who I am....Time to grow Time to be courageous and face down my demons so that I can have my time in the Sun as well..
Blessed be and Merry meet.............

Potluck Tuesday

2006-12-19T05:42:00.000-08:00

Today we are having a little potluck at work so I spent last night baking. I made a batch of whoopie pies which are essentially like a little Debbie snack cake made from chocolate cookies and marshmellow filling. Very tasty but very messy. When I was done there was marshmellow filling everywhere including my hair and my husband's beard. Got it done though and went to bed early. Mot much time for magic yesterday. I did stop by the pet/nursery store by my house and look over the seeds section. I plan to put in a very big garden this year. I'm planning a couple new beds and have a small vegetable space plotted out already. I am using a technique called layering. What you do is you layer soil with composing materials like leaves, choped plant matter etc...and build up your beds that way rather than digging out beds. Its pretty cool. I planted garlic this past fall and plan to do onions, tomatoes, peppers, spinach and lettuce. I might try some strawberries too but the birds usually get them. I also want to try to grow small pumpkins on a trellis. I think that will be a fun little experiment. Anyway, this time of year always gets me thinking about gardening way to early. I'm always jumping the gun and putting stuff out too early. This year I have alot of clean up to do around here first so that will help keep me busy until its warm enough.
My sister Amber and niece Emily will be here on Thursday for the holiday. They are riding the train over from Seattle to spend Christmas with us. That will be fun for them I think. I'm looking forward to seeing them but also kind of apprehensive. We have always had a bit of a strained relationship and now she is pregnant so that is a bit of a sore point for me. I have never understood why we couldn't have a kid when we wanted one together so much. But enough about that . I am going to do some circle work to make sure I am on my best behavior. I want to have a good relationship with everyone I know so that is my challenge.
Well, time for coffee and a bath before work. I have a bunch of stuff to do today too so I'd better take advantage of the extra time I have this morning to do some of it.

Time for some new news

2006-12-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

I've decided to change the direction of this blog to focus more on developing my craft. I have been dabbling for a long time so now I want to hone in on my skills and start becoming a full blow witch. I am more of a kitchen and garden witch than a spell casting witch but I do meditate alot. I really want to start developing better mind control so that I can help my self become what I was designed for. I understand now that the only reason we are here is to cultivate great relationships and help each other as much as we can. So, with that said, I will move forward with this blog and keep myself on track by documenting my progress.
One of the biggests glaring truths of my life is that I have spent much time trying to control others. I was in the kitchen baking the other day which is one of my favorite times to contemplate life. It suddenly occured to me that I need to stop trying to make my husband not drink. He doesn't drink excessively but I have a bad background with it having spent part of my childhood with an alcoholic in the house. It makes me extremely uptight and nervous to see him drinking on a daily basis. The truth is though that I CANNOT stop him nor should I try as we are all on our own journey and the number one rule of being a witch is not to interfere with others. I think I have finally accepted that if his path deviates from mine, then that is the way it is meant to be and I have no control over anyone but myself and how I handle it. Letting go of this problem has really provided some relief and allowed me to focus more on my own growth. That's where I want to look anyway. I am no where close to perfect and have plenty of my own issues to work out without worrying about him. Thinking about him was just a way to avoid my own stuff.
Growing up is such a hard thing. I thought that if I became a witch I would have instant wisdom but like anything else you have to work to achieve it. I'm just glad I figured out what I am before it was too late. Now I need to find my own way in the world and be true to myself. Its scary to think I might do it alone but I know now that I can.....
My sister and her daughter Emily will be here for Christmas. That shoudl be fun. I haven' seen them in over a year. Amber is pregnant and not quite past the three month mark so I am a little nervous for her but I think she is meant to have son for some reason. I hope she is happy with her new man. I am going to cast circle while she is here and see if we can tell what the baby's sex is. Better get in the shower. Time to head out to the warehouse for the final push this week. Stay tuned...........I'm coming into my own now.

Travelin Dan

2006-12-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

Took Dan out to Vantage to meet up with his Dad today. Long drive. Took about 6 hours all together. Not much out there but the landscape is beautiful in its own stark way. It was nice out too. The sun was shining and the roads were clear so that was great. I saw a bald eagle on the side of the road when we first started out. I always like to take a drive with Dan cause he likes to talk in the car. I guess not having too much direct attention helps him to open up. Anyway, we had a good time and it was nice to drive back alone and just be by myself before I came home. Kipp and I aren't getting along so well today probably because I am sort of crabby for no reason other than its Christmas and we are broke which I hate. It always seems that way since I never plan ahead.
I've been thinking alot about what kind of work I want to do. I really want to get into some kind of gardening business. I love to plant things and care for them. Plus the satisfaction of doing someone else's yard would be good. I feel like I would be contributing to the world in a positive way. Not sure if I want to do something on my own or if I want to work for someone else for a while but definately that is one idea I love. Kind of like a make over for your yard.....I could come in design beds and do the planting and also offer weekly maintainence. Need to figure out how it would all work and if there is a market. Anyway, here are some pics of my yard right now. Its one week before winter officially starts which seems kind of bleak since I always feel like once January hits it almost Spring but that is never the case.

Mallrats

2006-12-16T16:03:00.001-08:00

Just returned from doing my final Chrismas shopping at the local mall. What a total nightmare. The place is just crawling with people and getting out of the parking lot took at least 20min. I did get the last of my stuff done though. Now I just need to make a run to the grocery store sometime this week for candy and baking supplies and I am golden. I have to make pies for our christmas dinners and need to find the time to bake. Not sure when that will take place as I have to work all week. I guess I can freeze some stuff. I'm starting to get in the mood a little more and looking forward to spending time with the family. Although we have back to back dates which makes it a little harder. We have to travel down south on Sat. and then up to my Mom's an hour and half north of Spokane on Sunday. Thank God we are just staying home for Christmas day as I get no time off other wise. Well, got to run the kid downtown for a party so I will post more later.

Mallrats

2006-12-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yule Bryner

2006-12-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

Well, its one week until Christmas and I have done virtually no planning for anything. I want to have a little yule celebration but I just haven't had the time or money to put one together. My sister will be here next week so I would like to have some fun with her around but I just don't know where I will fit it in. The holidays come and go so fast and I really haven't been in the mood this year. Just too much going on in my life to think about it really. I'm looking back on this year and it is amazing how quickly it went by and how horrible it really was. We are making it though and feel like we are slowly healing. I have learned alot of hard lessons growing out of old habits and trying to take on new ones.
I didn't sleep well last night because I smoked when I got home. Don't know why, I don't enjoy it anymore but old habits die hard I suppose. So I will string together more time so I can finally conquer that one noose around my neck that I really want to get rid of . I don't like having crutches. I want more control over myself than that. I don't remember any dreams from last night so I won't post them today.
I'm staying with Cheryl's kids tonight. Thought about taking them downtown to see the tree and santa maybe. The park is all lit up and so are the streets. I was also thinking of taking them on a carriage ride if its not too expensive. I think it might even be free. That would be very cool. Parking around down there could be a pain though. We'll see how I feel after work I guess. We've been busy out there right up until 5pm every night this week. Last week for shipping and getting it there on time guaranteed.
Well, I'd better get going as I don't really have much insight today worth talking about. I did meditate last night for about 10 minutes and I am sticking to writing. We also actually left the house last night and went up to Shawn and Leslie's for a little bit. They are having a big party next weekend, but we will be out of town so can't go. Little Damon was up there, he is getting so big and talking so well. I really hope his Dad can pull it together and keep him safe and happy. He seems to be trying really hard since his girlfriend died. Just another reason to sober up and take back my own life. I want to make something of myself so that I don't feel I've wasted the time I've been given. Even if it is just reaching some sort of enlightenment and cultivating great relationships, that will be enough but its time to do something more...

Time to face the strange chchchanges

2006-12-14T06:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday morning. Work week is almost over and tomorrows payday. Yippee...Not that I get to keep much. Finances continue to be a struggle lately but Spring will be here in no time so I'm not really worried as long as we keep paying the house payment. I like my job now so I wil stay there as long as I can for the moment.
I have written in this journal for three days in a row without fail. I think I am trying to develope a routine but I don't really want to say it outloud. I'm much more focused now that I am treating my anxiety and that is helping me alot. The sleep I am getting is amazing really. I go to bed and crash out like the dead until the alarm goes off. I love that . It so nice to just sleep without any interuption. I didn't realize that the quality I was getting before was so bad. I used to wake up all the time and then start to worry so I couldn't go back to sleep. Its kind of like I have been set free. Just being able to take problems and challenges as they come is something I have never in my life experienced. I am planning to start a new course of study soon to teach myself even more about herbs and alternative treatments for health too. I am very interested in building a little sweat lodge so I can try that out. I want to get my self as detoxified as I can because I believe that it impacts your brain function so much. Its like having a cloud lifted a little bit at a time so that you can see the full brightness of the sun. Its time for me to start casting circle again too so that I can develope my mind to be stronger and more controllable. I know now that your mind must be controlled or it will control you and that is no fun. Training yourself to think in a certain pattern is a matter of self control which I have never had either so I am looking forward to working on it. I just need a little more time in my day without interuption. I wish I had a little room of my own to work out of.
Last night I dreamt that Cheryl and I were taking a little trip together. We bought some plane tickets to California and took this really huge plane with white leather seats inside like a private jet would. When we got to our destination, I realize that with as far along as she is in her pregnancy they probably weren't going to let us fly back. Oddly enough this didn't worry me and I decided I would walk back. I don't know where Cheryl went at this point but the dream switched to me and Kipp walking up a very steep hill with packs on our backs. I was actually like a rail bed and it was very hot out. We had to climb up and over the side of a wooden blockade of some sort and then the rotten fence kept breaking off in my hand making it very hard to climb over. I could sense that Kipp was getting pretty upset with me so I was trying even harder but couldn't do it. Then the dream switched to a family gathering where I had lost Kipp's aunt Teresa's dog. I was suppose to bring him back from this trip with me but somehow he wandered off without me realizing it. This dog was a big Boxer type dog. Then I am watching the TV and I see him on the petfinder channel at a Boxer rescue and I get very excited and tell everyone but they don't seem to respond then I realize its not the same dog and I feel upset that I have lost him.
I suppose this dream means that I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle with my relationship and myself. Its hard but I am still trying. Don't know about the part with Cheryl or the dog. However, the dog has been a recurring theme for the past three nights. Maybe it signifies some sort of loyalty but not sure if it pertains to me or someone else.
Time to get ready for work. More tomorrow.

Prophecy

2006-12-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that Kipp got pulled over for a DUI and was busted with pot in the car..weird dream because again I got the sense there was a big dog with me on the side of the road watching the whole thing. It was a little strange too because the whole incident took place in Palouse. I could see everything around me so clearly and there was some sort of town gathering going on. Not really sure what this means but the dog is an interesting factor. Speaking of dogs my little dog Trapper is getting so old. Shes a cocker spaniel and is about 12 or 13 now. She is mostly blind and deaf spending most of her time sleeping now. Winter time gets tougher for her as she does not want to go outside at all. She pooped on the floor in my office this morning which doesn't make me really happy. I think she will make it one more year probably. Once she really starts to lose control of herself I will have to have her put to sleep. It will be weird not having her. I've been her only owner since she was 6 wks old. She's been a good dog and stuck with me thru thick and thin. I will miss her when she goes for sure.
Work is okay. Yesterday all the women on the team were crabby as hell. Me because I am in the middle of a detox and I feel like shit. The rest of them I don't know why, but it wasn't a very fun day. Kipp made dinner though and we watched the crucible afterwards which made me very angry. The stupidity of people is amazing. Mass hysteria is a powerful thing. It made me think about my own practices though and the fact that I have been pretty lax in my work lately. I need some new books. I have been studying my herb and gardening books some so I feel like I am staying on track but as far as spiritual practice, I have not done much lately. I do meditate pretty regularly though knowing that I need the stress relief. I love going into a dark room and just laying there buzzing without sleeping. I'm able to relax myself quite thouroughly now. I'm trying to work on controling my mind in a more effective manner. I'm tired of worrying myself to death over things I cannot control so I'm taking steps to counter it. Herbs are helping, not smoking is helping and eating better helps the most I think. Its a good combo and I'm feeling strong which is how I want to feel. I don't like feeling like things are just happening to me without my input.
Anyway, Just for today I am going to smile and think positive thoughts and treat people with respect and acceptance. I'm realizing that I have no answers for anyone including myself so I should just be quiet and let others work things out without my advise.......hard pill to swallow for a total knowit all...........

GOaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllsssssssss

2006-12-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through Mondy without much fuss. I had to stay late at work because one of my coworkers got sick and had to leave. So, I had to stay to close up shop which basically consisted of closing out the credit card machine. Not so bad. I don't mind working out there so much now that I have accepted it more and stopped thinking of it as temporary.
I was sitting in the tub last night meditating and it suddenly occurred to me that I have never actually set a goal for myself and acheived it. Ususally if I think of one, it has to do with losing weight which I have been doing slowly without thinking about it much anyway. When I think of setting a goal I sort of feel like why bother I won't make it anyway, I never do. However, I think I am going to try again now that I have started taking my herbs to calm my brain down. They are working. I can definately feel an internal difference. My mind doesn't whirl around so fast and that inner tension that I always have is slowly melting away. It feels good enough that I am going to stay on it for a while and see what the end results are . I can also feel myself losing the need to argue and pick at Kipp all the time. I think that was a side effect of all the built up anxiety.
Here's what I am doing currently:
2 tablets of Alfalfa 2x day
1 tablet of b complex 2x day
2 capsules of fish oil 2x day
1 tablet of kelp per day
1 tablet of Vit. C per day
3 tablet of Damiana 2x per day(switched from St. John's wort)
1 tablet of L-tyrosine per day(may not need that one now)
I know it sounds like a big handful of pills but they are definately working because not only am I calmer, but I have lost 20lbs over the last six months.
I have only been taking the St John's and Damiana for a week but they are having a postitive effect too. I feel so much better!!! My hope is that they will keep working and my mind will do what I want it to instead of just flying around worrying needless and uselessly.
I can't wait til I start closing the store because I will be able to go in late enough that I can walk for 30 minutes in the morning too. That will be great. Right now its still too dark and I am taking Dan to school too. As soon as Christmas is over though I will be able to start. Actually on Monday next week cause Dan will be at his Dan's starting this weekend. I have to work Sat morning for four hours, but at least its over time. Well, better get dressed and get out the door.

Zombie

2006-12-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well, its Monday morning and its cold outside still. I've been up since 6am and wishing I didn't have to go to work. I need a day to be completely alone and haven't had one in some time. I guess I will have to complain a little to get one. My son Dan is going to his Dad's for two weeks after the fifteenth so I will probably be able to make it happen then.
So, I had a dream last night that was quite involved. It had to do with some sort of invasion by zombies or people who had some sort of disease. I was trying to sneak back to the place I was staying with another person(not sure who) so that we could gather up supplies to flee the town we were in. I think it was a trailer and I couldn't find all the stuff I wanted because it was a big mess. Then out of nowhere, the biggest Rottweiler I have ever seen comes up the steps, first I am afraid and then I realize he can help protect me so I make friends with him and put him on a leash. Then a black man comes thru the front door and I know in my mind he wants to steal my mom's jewlery box. I tell him he can't have it and put the Rottweiler between us. He decides to go somewhere else and then I continue to try to get enough blankets. That seems really important and I know I cant' carry very many that easily. The person who is with me is small and can't carry much either. Then the dream switches to being at this apt in a high rise. I want to take a shower, but the bathroom is on the balconey outside. It seems really cool at first but then I realize that I will one have to crawl out around the outer railing to get in and that everyone will see me once I start showering. I feel very conflicted about this because I really want to shower but am afraid of both of these problems.
I think this dream symbolizes sorting thru my internal issues and trying to decide what to keep and what to let go of. I also think it shows that I am afraid to tackle some of my problems head on and want to let my fears stop me from getting what I want. The Rottweiler is some sort of protective symbol obviously but not sure if it is something inside myself, a god figure or someone else in my life, but in the dream I am really glad he shows up. It makes me feel more secure even though I know he is only a dog.
Anyway, got some shopping done last night and spent some time with Kellie. She is fun and I was happy to see her for a little while. I got Dan a few clothes and bought gifts for the little girls in my life. I have a few to buy for so that was fun. Everybody got cute sweatshirts this year. I now have to wrap everything up this week which is my least favorite part. I suck at it cause I have no patience, but maybe I will force myself to work harder at it this year. Well, better go to work........

Christmas time in the city

2006-12-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well, its been a couple weeks since I have been here. Still working at the same place for the time being and feeling at peace with it finally. I spent some time feeling like it was temporary and not really appreciating the job much. Now I have realized that its important to give it my best and treat it like I would any other job no matter how I think it going to turn out. You just never know I could end up there for a few months and I want to leave knowing I did a good job. Still waiting to hear from Travelers and actually beginning to wonder if that is the right thing for me to do. I really want a job where I could work outside and use my gardening skills. I have been spending some time reading up and trying to improve my knowledge base so that I can try some new stuff in the spring. I am getting antsy for good weather already and its not even the end of Dec. I have quite a few months to wait it out. Need to channel my engery into something else I suppose.
I have been toying around with the idea of trying to write a book about my life. I know I have had plenty of experiences that would merit writing about, but not sure if I have the dedication it takes to do something of that magnitude. I will think on it for bit longer.
Went to my company dinner last night for Christmas. It was not the best one I have ever been to. My friend Cheryl was there with her kids though and they are fun. Her littlest one is a doll and I just love her to death. Cheryl is going to have another baby in about three weeks, so she will have her plate full. I've been helping her out with a little babysitting lately and I guess I am about done with that. Her boyfriend is in jail for a dui and he is getting out soon so he will take over while she finishes up with her degree. She has been going to school at night for some time now. I really admire her trying to get ahead but I have a feeling her boyfriend is not going to learn his lesson. I hope for her sake he does. She's a cool girl and deserves a happy life.
Anyway, all this has got me thinking about my own life and how I have taken for granted alot of good things that were freely given to me. I have a tendancy to think that I am owed something. That was very wrong of me and my karma is following me as well. I am trying to just accept my situation and realize that I need to make changes inside myself before I can turn it around again. I really need to figure out what is going to make me happy for work and my life in general. Giving back to others in an unselfish way is really the key to this whole thing and that has been a hard lesson to learn. I've been selfish and greedy and its time for a change. So, starting with Cheryl, I have been giving my time to her so she can focus on school and not worry about her kids at night. I started to have an attitude about it and then decided it's only unselfish if its a sacrafice and I should do it willingly not begrudgingly.
Later today, I am suppose to go shopping with Kellie and have coffee, but I haven't heard from her yet. We don't get to be together that much anymore and I miss her. She's a fun girl but actually kind of negative. I've concluded that its best to limit your exposure to those kinds of people if you want to stay postitive so its probably for the best. However, she is really fun and I miss her just for the silliness of it all. Haven't had a good pub crawl with her in sometime so I think maybe for my birthday we will hit it and see what kind of trouble we can get into.
As far as Kipp goes, I think he is over the worst of it too. He seems to be accepting his situation as well and has moved on. He's working on some house projects around here so that is nice. I like to keep things moving as we have a tendancy to get half done and then leave it for later.
We painted the living room after mudding and taping the new sheet rock but don't like the color. I want to get that finished up after the new year maybe so we have one room complete. Its about time to paint the bathroom again too and it needs new baseboards put up. Lots to do and so little money to do it with at the moment. I suppose its all relative. Summer will come and we will make money and I'll get a different job that pays more again. This time I will work my ass off to show that I appreciate what I have and it will work out. It always does and life wouldn't be very interesting if it was nothing but good times all the time.
Later on I will understand the lessons and gain from them. So, for now I wait and think and listen to the universe so I can understand what it wants from me. If I can figure out what my mission is then maybe I won't feel so restless.

If I had a little money

2006-11-26T07:14:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning worrying about money. Never seems to go away. I am searching so much for other meaning in life. Seems like everyone is so caught up in the rat race and I know there is more to our existance here than that. It seems so monotonous at times to just be waiting for some other day when things will be better. I want to commit to making every day good because I know in my heart that's what its about. Doing the best you can with what you have and letting go of yesterday. I have a terrible time with letting go. I like to sit around a dwell on the past and feel guilty about things I didn't do instead of focusing on what I can do know this minute. It's immaturity I suppose. Crying over what can't be changed.
So, yesterday I got up and went on a long walk with my husband and our dog. Its getting pretty cold outside now. We should get snow anytime. We like getting out though. Now that I am working again its hard to get in the amount of activity I need to keep my new weight down. I have been eating like crazy too. I know I am letting my stress control me instead of managing my stress like I should. The first place I turn is to food when I get in an uncomfortable situation. At least I am recongnizing it but the harder I try the more I eat. So, today I will walk again and get in a a couple miles and then watch myself all week with the food. I am up for a different job and part of my stress is waiting for the final answer even though I am 99% sure I will get it.
Yesterday afternoon I took my son to the mall for a little shopping. He needed a coat and I wanted to get my daughter's Christmas shopping started. I got her a cute sweater and some pajamas so far. She likes that . I think I will get her some Christmas decor of her own since she is in her own place now. I really miss her and wish she would come home soon or I could go there. Its so expensive to go. Maybe after the new year Dan and I will go together. She is moving into a bigger place soon and will want me to come see it. I'm happy for her that she is finding her way and having a good time. I feel somewhat lost myself since both of them are almost grown and I didn't get to have them for so long. I hope that I get grandkids that will visit alot. I cant' wait.
So, for the rest of yesterday I cooked a huge meal for us since we went to Kipp's moms for Thanksgiving. That was pretty fun and no one yelled at anyone for a change. I guess we are all growing up. The kids we just completely crazy and loud but that's par for the course. I kind of wish there were more of them but that's the way it goes. They are fun but its good to go home without them too. Anyway, I am just feeling a little down since so many parts of my life are up in the air right now. We are in the process of getting back on track financially but it takes so long and the waiting for the job is killing me. I think I need to walk and meditate. Acceptance of where you are is key and I want to learn the lessons that are being offered. I don't believe that you go through a year like the last one for no reason. It happens because you are off course and need to reexamine what it is you are trying to accomplish. Basically why am I here and what am I contributing. At this point I have to say I don't know. I wish I did............................................................

Brave New World

2006-11-19T19:26:00.001-08:00

Well, its been a busy couple of weeks. I haven't had much time to post anything because I started a temp job at a warehouse. I spend my day processing orders for an electronics company. Boring stuff to say the least. I run credit cards, check with banks to watch out for fraud, verify shipping addresses. Really not my bag, but it will do in a pinch. I have already put my resume in at Travelers insurance which is what I normally do. Still not too fascinating,however the money is much better. Hoping to start there by around the 15th of Dec. maybe sooner. I have to get my license back. I will be spending the first couple weeks studying for that test and then I will spend sometime getting trained to do my job. I will be working on a rewrite team so it will be less pressure to produce but a larger system to learn. I think I will like it. Alot of people I know work there still and it will be an opportunity to change to a different segment of the industry. I would like to work up to a management position eventually. Its funny how seriously people take their jobs, to the point that once they lose it, they kind of lose themselves. I strongly identify success with what kind of work I am doing. I just don't feel good if I have too much time on my hands. Being productive is what makes me feel successful. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of ADD or the like because I have a hard time motivating myself to do well after a certain length of time. I guess once the learning challenge is gone, I feel bored. Need to try hard to keep myself challenged in other areas of my life. Its definately time to start either walking to work or going back to the gym. I can't sit down all day and expect to keep the weight off. Enough about the boring stuff.
Went shopping with my friend Kellie yesterday. We had a good time. Coffee in the morning, lunch with a beer and lots of trying on clothes. Our friend Rhonda from Seattle came along too so it was a good girls day out. Haven't had one in a long time and really enjoyed digging through all the stuff at TJMAXX and The Rack. Got myself a couple items for work and a great black dress that I will most likely wear to Thanksgiving this week. Boy do I have mixed feelings about that trip. Going over the hill to Clarkston to eat with the inlaws. Not my favorite passtime. They grate on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. Plus the food will just be mediocre and that really blows. On the other hand, I won't have to make anything if I don't want to and no clean up either. I can definately enjoy that. I suppose I will just bring a bottle of wine and drink up Johnny. That will make things a tiny bit easier to endure. My sister is coming for Christmas from Hawaii this year. She is preggers and missing her family I think. Moving in with her boyfriend has been a shock to both their systems. The break will probably due them good. They really don't know each other that well so this has been a big adjustment. Anyway, I hear Kipp banging around upstairs so I better go see what's up.

Brave New World

2006-11-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

Still Standing

2006-11-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

Well, it Sunday night at 6:30pm and I am too pooped to party. Just want to power lounge for the rest of the night. I spent about 6hrs today painting a house we are trying to get finished before the rain gets too crazy. Got alot down so it was worth using the nice day to work on it. More to do tomorrow although it is suppose to be a 90% chance of rain. Lets hope for once they are wrong so I can get my payroll out close to on time. Its been a hard summer in that respect as that sucker comes around every two weeks like clock work. glad to have everyone laid off. I would rather do the work myself with just a smaller crew than have to do that every month. I think we will stay busy enough and I have a part time temp job starting next week so that will help too.
The evil twins are going in for their nut jobs tomorrow morning. Boy are they going to be pissed at me. I have to leave them there all day. Poor little guys. They have no idea what is about to transpire. I guess thats for the best. Anyway, they are starting to get really wild so I am hoping this will take the wind of out their little canoe trip.
Not much else going on. Same old humdrum just making it day to day. I feel good and glad to be putting in the time on the job. Makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. Hard to keep going when it seems like there is never any money or fun but we are getting there. I know its gonna pay off in the end and we will succeed. I'm keeping my birthday and that's that.
Tomorrow is a busy one as I have to work, pick up Dan and take him on a couple errands, be out to the valley by four to watch Deluca and Raven for the night so I won't be home until about 11pm when its all said and done. Long day long day...................................

Torn like an old....dollar bill'
Girl let them say what they will
Cause no one should hurt ya
Thats all I seem to do
That no one should desert ya
Thats all I seem to do
Gotta tell ya
Good bye Mama
We've taken this too far
Been tryin to tell ya whats going on
heyyyyyy

Screamin Trees -----Sweet Oblivion

Just another Manic Monday

2006-10-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

Well workday fans its another Monday in Paradise. Interviewing for a new job so had to go do the old urine sample this morning. Fortunately I have nothing to hide but man o man did I have to pee by the time they got around to calling my name. I bet that lady thought I was running a hose out in the toilet. Anyway, the job is at a local electronics company if I didn't mention that fact already. Looking forward to having something to do in the off time. UOr painting company is slowing down for the season. We are working on our last exterior of the year right now trying to get it wrapped up before the rain comes. Should go smooth but you never know for sure.
Dug up some of my bulbs to store for the winter this afternoon. Should be raking leaves right now but don't really have that much ambition given the fact its only about 38 degrees outside. Nice and sunny but brisk!
Been trying to call my Mom for the last couple days and get no answer. Odd because they never go anywhere without letting me know. I think my stepdad's Dad might have died and they are down there taking care of business. From what I understand he had quite a messy place to clean up. He's been sick for a while now and I think things kind of went to hell in a handbag the last couple years. Haven't heard anything from my Dad either. I assume he is just busy with his music. He plays around Winthrop quite often at the local bars and such. He's a pretty good singer which is where I must get it from. I'm out of practice because our PA has been broken for some time and no one has bothered to look into fixing it. I suppose I will have to get out my little tools and see if I can have a crack at it. I'm not really too handy cause I don't have to be so it might be an exercise in futility. I really want to get back into it though and would love to find a group to play with. I've always wanted to do it and I should just for the fact that I want to. I don't expect to get famous or cut an album I just think it would be alot of fun. The experience is what counts.

Thought I would include a picture of Chelsea(my daughter) in her wedding dress. Tried to put it in yesterday's post but it wouldn't load up. So here it is .............enjoy

Nacho Libre

2006-10-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching Nacho Libre with Jack Black. Very funny movie. I love him cause he is not afraid to be a true dork. Like me and most people I know. Today was cold here in Spokane and a little rainy. Winter is almost here. Not so fun. I start a new job next week working at a local electronics company. I will be working in the internet division. Back to the desk for me. I hope my ass doesn't start getting huge right off the bat. I will have to get myself up to the gym every morning before work. Desk jobs blow, but I need the benefits for my family so the sacrifice must be made. Its a temporary position right now for the holidays, but they are already looking to see where they can put me permanently. Nice to be wanted I suppose. I am aspiring to become a buyer for them so I can travel a little bit and interact with humans mostly rather than computers. I feel lucky to have found a cool place to work though. Its a small family owned company and my division is only five other people so that will be very interesting. The politics of an office are so wierd. Its like you meet these people and you work so close to them. Everyone knows everyone elses business and crap its like they become your second family and then, you quit and never see them again. Much like a divorce where you never see your inlaws again......nice nice. Anyway, my best friend Cheryl from high school works there and we haven't seen much of each other over the last 10 yrs. We have been getting to know each other again. Looking forward to working with her and spending some time together. She's cool although going through some tough times at the moment. She's got a couple kids and another on the way. She goes to school full time and has her share of man troubles. She also works 40 hours a week so her plate is overflowing. I've started helping her out with her kids one night a week so she can go to class which is fun for me and hopefully helpful to her. Makes me realize how damn lucky I am to have a good life. A fairly simple life and not very complicated in the relationship or kid department. Speaking of kids, my daughter Chelsea is moving into a bigger apt so I can finally go visit her and not have to sleep on the couch. I'm thinking of going over for a weekend pretty soon if I can swing the funds. Airfare has gone up with the price of gas of course, so by the time you pay for a ticket and have some spending cash, its a 300.00 weekend easy. I'll be glad to spend some time with her though. I don't get to do it very often as she is busy building a life for herself too. She's a hair dresser and is trying hard to establish herself in a good salon with a decent client base. Tough job. On your feet all day with not alot of profit to show for it at this point. She just graduated about a year ago so still trying to build up from scratch basically. She's okay though and has a great boyfriend. They are getting married in about a year so that will be fun for her.
Oh yeah- i had this dream last night that went like this:

First I am driving in a car down a wooded road. Pretty soon I notice I am walking and there is a younger woman walking with me carrying a baby about 6mths old. We are walking down what seems to be a one lane road that is quickly becoming covered in snow and ice. The path is getting steeper and harder to climb. Then I notice there is a road to the left and below us. We are actually walking along the top of some sort of retaining wall. Along the top of the wall there are black electrical wires with glass insulators that run out to the left to other wires. I look down over the side and see a small white hatchback car that is kind of wrecked. I know it belongs to the woman. Suddenly, she sets the baby down on the retaining wall with its feet dangling over the side. She climbs down to look at the car and leaves the baby. I am afraid it will fall so I grab its arm but it afraid of me so it throws its self over the side. It falls down between the wires and I am holding it by the arm and I can feel it slip out of the socket. Then I wake up. Not sure what this means....maybe I am feeling like I need to let go of things that served me better in my youth in order to make my path and journey easier. But what does the woman and the wrecked car mean???? Who is she? Is it a younger version of myself who has made a mess of things and is leaving behind responsibilities??? Not sure. I will have to think on it some more.

Copy Cat

2006-10-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

Imagine you’re riding the subway in New York City. Next to you is a woman writing in her journal. You notice that she’s crying. Feeling nosy, you look to see what she’s written and read this: “I fear someone will discover the body soon.” Despite the risk, you keep reading. How does the journal entry begin and end?

I saw this on another blog spot. Cool Idea. I think I will work on writing this little short story soon. I need to exercise my brain more than I do. Thanks to Jill Terry for the idea

Baby it's cold outside

2006-10-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

This is a very strange planter that my Mom has in her yard. Couldn't resist photographing it.

The Evil Miss Betty in white and her sidekick Rev. Maynard J. Krebs. My evil wonder twins. Form of Chaos!!

This is my new motto. I have not been living life to the fullest up til now and as part of my recovery I am adopting a new attitude. LIVE THE VIDA LOCA as ricky Martin says......I'm a dork I know.

Today has been a busy one for me. My husband Kipp and I run a paint contracting business and its almost quarterly tax time. UGGG! Taxes bite! I have also been watching a friend's little girl . Her name is Ava aka Gabby goat. She is four and never stops talking!!! I have to hide in my office from her sometimes to get a minute of silence. Anyway, we spent the morning running errands and then we took Kipp and his worker some lunch. Its turning cold here but we are still working outside at this point. One last exterior and then its inside for us. We've been doing this for about 8yrs now. Its not a bad way to make a living. Kipp snowmobiles in the winter so he is glad to have the time off although ususally if we have time we have no money. The univeral rule of thumb I guess. The down time gives me the opportunity to work on my own stuff more. I have been reading the Spiral Dance by Starhawke. She is a very complex writer but I love her ideas. I'm trying to learn to take my place in the universe and accept my role in the world more fully. Which involves breaking out of my shell more and trying new things. I am a hermit by nature and it is easy to slip into isolation mode. At any rate here are a few pics I have taken recently.

Spin Cycle

2006-10-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hey I forgot to mention that I have lost almost 20 of those 40 ugly pounds. I started taking a big handful of vitamins and supplements every morning and night. Presto it fell off by itself. I haven't even started working out at all. I take vit. b vit. e, vit c, Dong Qui, Red Clover, Maitake mushrooms, ginseng and alfalfa twice a day. Works like a charm. Actually started taking it for PMS and this was an unexpected side effect. Cool Deal!!!!!

Rainy Day Woman

2006-09-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

Its Oct 15th. Exactly 16 days until Oct 31st which has always been a favorite holiday of mine. I love to see the kiddies all dressed up in thier little outfits. Also this year is more important because it is my first Samhain or witches new year. I'm studying to become a wiccan for lack of a better term. I hate the word witch because of the negative connotations but I guess in reality that is what I have always been. I just never knew there was a name for it or how to develope it. Most people don't really know about it or is it accepted in our world as a real religion or faith. I just has to do with living in harmony with the world around you and taking your place in it. That's the simplest way to describe it. There is not alot of guidance out there so you kind of have to feel your way along on your own. It fun and its also hard because there is alot of internal work to do before you do anything else. Its not about casting spells or controlling people or situations. Its about accepting yourself where you are and trying to grow to your full potential using the power of your mind. The mind can be a damn hard opponent to over come. We are all creatures of habit and bad old habits are difficult to let go of. If you can't let go you can't grab onto anything new. There in lies the difficulty. Master your mind and the world is yours.....................let it master you and the world will run you down.......and down and down and down.......I am happy I am happy I am happy I am happy...........You are what you tell yourself all day long................I am happy I am happy I am happy.

The Warrior Returns Part 1

2006-08-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a good long time since I looked at this site. Its been three months now since I lost my baby. I'm doing okay. For sure this has been the single most painful thing I have ever endured or hope to, but I'm feeling tough again and moving forward. The grief still catches me by surprise sometimes, stabbing me at the most awful times. Like when I am standing in line at the grocery store looking at a baby in the cart in front of me. Or when I let myself imagine where I might be in the pregnancy now. Or when I realize this particular soul is never making it across. I hope and pray that its found its way without me and that's the best I can #$%*& do! The whole situation has left both of us pretty beat up and our relationship is looking pretty tattered right now. Somehow we are piecing it back together. It feels like we are coming back stronger than ever. I don't like to make any assumptions though. Just taking it day by day and enjoying every little thing I can. One thing I have really taken from this experience is the ability to accept my body for what it is without criticism. I have been though a frickin lot in my 37yrs and no one get through without scars. !!@# it, I am proud of them and if someone else doesn't then look away, look away.................. Later Dudes

The recovery effort

2006-06-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been over a month now. I guess I am over the worst of it. At least I am not sitting around crying and feeling depressed all the time. Times they are a changin around here. Kipp and I have been through alot of bullshit in the last 4 weeks but we are really trying to iron it out. It's not easy trying to examine your whole relationship and figure out where its wrong. Actually implementing the changes is a whole other ball of wax and even harder. You think, okay I can change that, so you do for a week or so, then you forget about it and go back to your same old self and never even realize you are doing it. Tough love baby tough love. I hate it but I know I need to do it. You can't grow if you don't acknowledge the short comings. Anyway, business is good. We are up and running and employing six people. The bills are paid for the moment and we have food on the table and a roof over our heads so its good.
We went on a really scenic hike this weekend over in Idaho. We drove to Worley and found a hike that is about 4 miles up some cliffs and then looks out over the lake there. Very gorgeous. When you are at the top you could see the entire lay out of the lake with every cove and inlet visible Since Kipp grew up there, he was feeling especially nostalgic and had a good time telling me all about it. Boring stuff for the most part, but hey, that's my life.

Aftermath

2006-05-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

Its been 8 days now and I can't even begin to descripe all the emotions I have gone thru. At first it was kind of surreal. Then a couple days after I got a terrible bladder infection so I was really sick. Now I just feel like I am totally falling apart. I know it's so melodramatic and I should try to pull my self together. Its so hard. I don't know how to get over something like this. Everyday I wake up and I'm either pissed or just so gutwrenchingly sad that I just want to die. I know it will get better but the getting there is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I would feel better if someone would just beat the crap out of me or something. In the back of my mind I feel like I should be punished for losing a child. I used to dream that I had a baby and then forgot where I left it. This is so much worse than that feeling of dread. I feel like I did something wrong, really really wrong. The guilt is a surprise actually. I knew I would feel sad if something happened but I don't understand why I feel so damn guilty. I just want this to be over and I'm not sure it ever will be. It was such a one in a million shot anyway, I can't help but feel it was our only chance. I hope. I hope, I hope I am wrong but right now it is not easy to see that I probably am. I never knew a person could literally have a broken heart. I do now.......

Misplaced Youth

2006-05-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Five days ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 wks pregnant with a baby that completely took me by surprise. My husband Kipp and I had tried for 8yrs to have a kid and nothing ever happened. Then boom..I loose my job, insurance and steady source of income. Now I'm pregnant! Of course. But still happy about the event for sure. We had just assumed that it was never going to happen so it really didn't even cross our mind that it could be true. I took three pregnancy tests the day we found out because we were so shocked. I just sat there on the john looking at that stick like the information was misfiring in my head. It took a few days to sink in. At first we said we weren't going to tell anyone, but we were just so damn happy we couldn't keep it in. So after a day or so we broke down and told every frickin person we knew like total idiots. You can see where the story goes easily enough. So fast forward to this moment now when I'm sitting at my computer with an empty belly and it is the most confusing feeling I've ever had. All that pain and nothing at the end. The dissappointment is crushing........ that's all I got............

Just a quickie

2006-04-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been raining in sunny Spokane for a few weeks now. I am heartily sick of it and find myself longing for Vegas, Mexico, Arizona, Texas.........any place warm. My body is literally craving the sun like a junkie craves crack!! God what I wouldn't give for three days in Vegas by the pool with a drink in my hand. Of course the drink has to go by the way side now due to the impending Bambino. 8 Weeks and counting. Only 30 or so more to go. Still feel fine. No weight gain, not sick. Just impatient. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Full Circle

2006-04-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to the conclusion that unbeknownst to me my mother has moved into my house. I don't know how this happened or when, but I keep hearing her voice come out of my mouth as in I am starting to say all the dumb things she said when Iwas a kid. How does this happen? As a teenager, you swear you will never be like her and then one day Wham! Something flies out of your mouth and you're like " who the hell was that?" Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom but she is the kind of person who bases her life on fear and what if's. I call it future trippin and now that I am pregnant again I find myself indulging in it alot. " What if Kipp keeps drinking beer until he's an alcoholic? What if we don't have enough money. What if our business fails. I am getting hardily tired of hearing that voice of doom all the time. So, I have tried to start meditating again and focus on my spirituality more. After all, that's what Wicca is all about and I feel quite strongly that is the path for me. I know I can change this if I focus some attention on it so that's my goal this week. Fifteen minutes of meditation a day with candles and incense to guide me. Let go of the negative, drink in the postive and TRUST TRUST TRUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Expect the Unexpected

2006-03-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

Well, the title of this post says it all. Last week I found out I am six weeks pregnant. I'm 37yrs old, unemployed and broke. Isn't that always the way.. So, it has been an interesting time around the old McDonald farm. Tension has been running high over finances etc... but we have kind of settled down now and are making a plan. It's really quite exciting but mind boggling as well. We tried to have a baby for about 9yrs with no results. No doctor could figure out why and we finally gave up. I had a tummy tuck last year and now of course blammo!! What the FU%%%%%? God has a HUGE sense of humor. So anyway, we are getting used to the idea. I am really hoping for a girl. I would love to have one more daughter as I have one from a previous marriage who is 20yrs old and a son who's 17yrs old. I am trying to just relish every moment and enjoy this unexpected gift and complication with an open mind and heart. Hard to do but I am doing my best.
On to other topics, my workouts are steady and my diet has come to a halt now. Still walking a ton though which is good for the kiddo. My garden is starting to come up and the weather here is slowly warming. I feel like I am dying for heat. The cold has become tiresome and I'm ready for the sunshine. By August we'll all be complaining its too much but for now Come on HEAT!!
We have decided to sell our pickup to reduce some of our monthly expenses. Kipp is kind of bummed but it was his choice so I think he will feel good about it later. We still have our Durango which is totally plush. Nice to have such a sweet ride! This photo is my friend Curt who worked with me at my last job. He's a hoot. I love him to death and really miss seeing him and his weirdness every day. Hes a cool dude. The guy on the left is my crazy husband riding his snowmobile in Idaho. He does deep snow hill climb riding. This is a Skidoo summit 700 that he bought last fall which is his most prized possesion.

Big Trouble in Little China

2006-03-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

Now that's a great picture. Chloe is my 4yrs old niece and Justice is my niece who is 7yrs old in this picture. They are both a couple years older now but still just as silly. This was Christmas and they are wearing a coat of my mother-in-laws that all of them just think is the coolest thing ever. It is kind of but weird too. I believe the house is in Clarkston WA where my husbands brother llives. These are two awesome little girls who are going to really wreck some havic in a few years. Its inevitable. That's the kind of family we are and that's the kind of girls we got! Love em anyway and be there to help em out when they need it. Don't let those cute smiles fool you, they probably have a machine gun under there and the keys to their get away car.

Friday Friday Evenin

2006-03-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Well, finally I've made it to Thursday. Not that I have any tough schedule to keep at this point but that is what working people say after Wednesday No? The company I'm with is finally starting to take off so I actually do have work to do now. Still my schedule is really loose which makes it an opportune time to make some changes and come out the other side brand new. I'm almost thru my second week of the Body for Life challenge. The working out is going great. I'm walking everyday now for 11 days in a row and have started lifting weights again. The food is another issue all together. I have thought and thought about why I continue to sabotage my efforts here. The only thing I can come up with is some sort of fear of change. I don't understand it. One thing that occurred to me is that I am very uncomfortable with male attention from strangers. Even with people I know I can get very uncomfortable if I get any weird vibes. I also eat when I'm nervous or excited. An emotional eater Dr. Phil would day. What you need to do is change your life!! Well no shit Phil If only it were that easy! I am starting to dig and do the work to find out why so hopefully I will get some answers soon.
Another interesting aspect to my life right now is that I am toying around with studying Wicca. Its been hit and miss but I do love the idea behind it. The premise is that we are all part of a huge energy chain and that respect and honor for the earth are of utmost importance. Once I found this information and started reading, I was hooked. It lines up with what I think exactly and I love the mental control it offers you. Knowing that the power to change your reality is directly inside you is a hugely empowering idea. Especially for women. I spend time daily meditating and trying to be open to what might be. Its alot harder than you think because as modern humans we are always trying to control our environment and bodies and thoughts etc.....instead of taking what comes in stride and living in the moment as we should. Anyway, its been a really freeing experience for me at this point in my life when I needed to calm down and think rationally after five long long years working in a high stress environment. Now, I can work towards something new with a clearer head and hopefully find something I love.

Kidszzzzzzzzzzzzz

2006-03-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of me and my daughter at her high school graduation. We are not Hawaiian but her step-mother is hence the lei. This was a very very hot day in Tacoma WA. We spent the afternoon at the Pike st Market and ate at Anthony's on the pier that night. Big Day for little Chelsea!

Another one Bites the Dust

2006-03-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it thru another day of dieting without maiming anyone to badly. I walked my five miles and ate reasonably well. I have a hard time not eating at night. Right around 7 or 8 I want a bowl of cereal or something. So, I haven't lost a pound as of yet but I can feel the changes. My legs look marginally better and my pants are fitting a little better. It's so frustrating when you've worked so hard to see no number change. I have to get in the mind set that I am doing this to finish the twelve weeks, not lose weight. That will just be a side effect, this is about accomplishing a goal. The one thing that I really suck at is follow thru and I want to prove to myself once and for all that I do the things I set out to do!!!!!!! Damn it Mother Fucker get your ass moving and do the thing you need to do!!!!!!!Its a hardcore PMS day and that bitchy voice is mighty stident this morning. My poor husband is probably hiding in the basement as we speak. I swear I went of the pill and lost my damn mind. My moods are unbelievable around this time. Its tempting to go back on. I'm doing this organic thing right now trying to repair a lifetime of damage in three months of course. One of the requirements is that I take no prescription medication of any kind. Not that I really did anyway, but the pill was the biggie. Actually the patch but anyway same diff. I have an extremely low chance of pregnancy so it was more of a thing to clear up my skin and keep me sane.

Black tail swishing
water flowing
fishes gliding
whiskers trembling
bodies darting
Randall is watching the fish

The photo is my son age 16

What my cat Randall thinks about all day

2006-03-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, psst...did you see that squirrel?? There..right there.........see him. Wow that is makin my tail puff out!!! Did you see the size of that thing???? Scratch my head, come on, scratch my head....right there oh yeah...Open the window, the window, no the window....Oh my God was that a baby Robin????I am going out of my mind, I've got to figure a way out of here....The dog the dog, the stupid dog. Hey dog!! HEY DOG!! Don't you have to go out? That's what I thought, good boy, that's it, that's it open that door up just a little more now I'm making my break oh man I think I'm gonna make it, almost there..........................Shit *&^^%$^%&&& That chick is faster than she looks. Open the window K come on the window...............a fly did you see that fly where'd it go, the ceiling, that coat, the window sill. I wonder if that catbox is clean yet, I better get down there at top speed for no apparent reason.....

One more thing

2006-03-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

One more thing, My son is now living with me as of Jan this year. He is a great kid driving my crazy by piercing everything in sit and dying his hair but all in all so happy to have him here. He's a very talented guitar player and loves music. Being pretty musical myself, I really believe he has the talent to go far if he wants to. Anyway, I'm one of those cool mom's who doesn't mind loud music, so he gets to play alot. Dan's a junior now and struggling in school a little. He a procrastinator just like me so the student does not apply himself. I told him its up to him to turn it around since no amount of yelling is really going to change anything. He spent the weekend catching up so I feel proud that he did it on his own. Anyway, enough of the Mommy gushing. Its a little belated for me since he lived with his Dad most of his life. I'm such a dork, I actually bought him new pajamas as a gift when he moved in. I think he liked it but I felt lame....

2006-03-13T07:50:00.000-08:00

Wow- it has been an incredibly long time since I posted here. Last post is dated 2004. I was working for Pemco Insurance when I started. Now I am self employed and spending most of my time at home. Its a weird existance. I don't work everyday at this point and I don't have much money right now so I spend alot of time just puttering around like an old person. Yesterday I went thru all my clothes and finally got rid of the last of my corporate attire. I'll tell you one thing, I don't miss panty hose. Those babies are specifically designed to inflict permanent damage to your waist! Nothing like eating a nice big lunch and then going back to your desk to sit for another four hours with your midsection in a vice grip! I don't know about your office but at mine they were required but only for the girls of course.................so, I'm trying to lose weight. Again. So far so good. I walked over 30 miles in the last 7 days which is great. I'm eating okay so that's helping. I'm trying really hard to just focus on one day at a time. Like an AA program really only my fix is Cadbury minieggs instead of a shot of Jack. I'm a real self sabotager and this morning that voice in my head is loud and bitchy! I get so sick of listening to the stream of shit that seems to be whispering in the background constantly. Not like I'm mental or something but if you pay attention you realize that you say negative things to yourself all day long. Without even realizing it you tell yourself all sorts of crazy shit that isn't even true. It fascinates me that the human mind works that way. I have the kind of mind that is always looking for the disaster instead of believing in the miracle. The single hardest thing I have done is try to conquer and silence that voice. She's not having it I tell ya. She's a mouthy loud negative bitch and it is time for her to go....what I want out of this is the motivation to finally break thru this barrier of self doubt and low confidence in my ability to accomplish big tasks. I didn't get overweight in a couple weeks so it stands to reason it's going to take a bit to get it off. It's been a harsh truth to look in the mirror and admit to what I look like. I'm one of those women who's body is shaped like Marilyn Monroe so I carry it well, but I have been 40lbs overweight for the past 16yrs really. I never took off any of my pregnancy weight and have failed everytime I've tried to lose since then. I've never really truly believed in my heart that I was important in the world. I've recently realized that maybe I was sent here for something important but it can't be realized until I get myself in balance. So, that's my mission. To get in really good shape and eat healthier for the moment. Not going to worry about anything but right now .

Changes

2004-06-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well,I started this page on a whim after reading about blogging in the paper. I had never heard of it and doing it seemed cool. I've decided to use this forum to record some events that are happening in my life. Two things are going on right now. One and most importantly, is that my son who is fifteen and living with my exhusband, ran away from home 3 times in the past month. He has been gone this last time for about five days with no word from him. As a parent who is absent, the amount of guilt I feel over this situation is almost unbearable. I (selfishly maybe) feel that somehow this is my fault and his problems stem from something I did or didn't do for him. I have always felt so badly for leaving the kids behind when their Dad and I divorced. I know in my heart it was the best thing for everyone, but now I feel like maybe it was not. I guess it's human nature to try to make every event about yourself. Sometimes kids do stuff just because they think its fun and adults read too much into it. I just hope he's safe and that he's not out there getting high all the time. A little spliff is one thing but harder stuff is another.
The second thing I am working on is losing weight. UGGGGGGGGG!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have the type of personality that says " Okay, I quit eating potato chips for a week, am I thin yet?" Impatient. That's me in a nutshell. Ms instant gratification. That particular trait has gotten me in trouble more than once in my life. I have a hard time looking down the road for the end result. I am doing okay this time though. I keep it in my mind constantly and that helps alot actually. I keep telling myself that the goal will be worth the work. I feel alot better about myself in general now. Stopped all the bad voices in my head for the most part. At least, I've got the volume down real low most days and sometime soon I hope to turn it off all together. I just want to prove to myself once and for all that I can do this. I have spent so many years telling myself that it's too hard and I just can't do it. Well, that's bull shit. I can and am going to finish this and keep it off for good. I've made the crucial dietary changes now I just need to go one step at a time. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging onto this life by a finger nail and then something good happens like the number on the scale shifts down. Then, I'm up really high for a day or two and then blah. It's the blah's that are hard to ride out. My friend Lanae spends alot of time there and she thinks that I don't but the truth is it's just easier for me to hide it. Denial comes in all forms. I'm getting there though. I believe it is all a state of mind, not how much you exercise or eat, but all the crap you tell yourself day in and day out. Also, how much you just ignore yourself. Well, that is over for me. As stupid and dorky as it sounds, I am tired of beating myself up and down playing my accomplishments like I'm not worthy of it. I am a human that God made and he wanted me here for a reason. I believe that with all my heart just as I believe that he can give me the strength to do anything I need to do. This stuff with Danny is another test and I will get through it and Danny will get through it too. Maybe this is God's way of bringing him home...............................That's all for now. My fingers hurt. Time to face the changes.....................................................

My Boy

2004-05-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

My boy is turning into a man right before my eyes. He used to be so cute and small and now he's shaving and getting tall.
He used to love to run and shout.
Now he wonders what he's all about.
His eyes hold mysteries I canot know
He keeps inside all he can't show.
He's funny and witty and make me smile
For him I'd go every extra mile.
My Boy............

This is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in print. No one should be allow to print this sort of drivel. But that's the beauty of free speak. You can say or write any sort of garbage you want and call it art. This is my art.

Things that are written on my dogs face...........

2004-05-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Let's go outside! Can we go outside? Are you putting on your tennis shoes/ DOes that mean we are going outside? Can I have a cookie? ther cookies are right over there! Get the cookies, the cookies,no the cookies. Ohhhhh, you're leaving without me? You suck!

My dog is a great dog. She is so easily satisfied. A walk, a biscuit, a nice place to sleep, a pat on the head. These are the little things that make up her life. If only my life were so simple. We are caught in a endless cycle of buy stuff, make money, work, achieve. What is the point. Surely there's more to life than this, to quote the infamous KIDROCK. I am trying to figure it out. What's the purpose. How should I really be spending my time? These are things I wonder about.

pointing out the obvious

2004-05-11T08:53:00.002-07:00

I was just in the restroom at work and happened to notice the back of the air freshner can in there. There is a warning label that advises to protect against product abuse can should be kept out of reach of children and teens. Where is it you can put a product that a teen can't reach it?

pointing out the obvious

2004-05-11T08:53:00.001-07:00

pointing out the obvious

2004-05-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm goin Platinum

2004-05-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah- I forgot to mention I went to KIDROCK this weekend and it was one of the best shows I have seen. Complete with gogo dancers and big cannon noises. Yeehaw. He' kinds trashy but the boy can sing!

Life without Friends

2004-05-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my profile I am on a quest to reinvent myself. This is in part due to the season finale of friends. Who will now tell me what clothes are cool to wear. How will I know when to change my hairstyle? And most importantly where will I learn how to put weird inflections in my speak pattern? I am lost without them.

First day on the job

2004-05-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well, Here I am. I finally have my own forum for spewing. You are all in for a real treat. Unedited,unrestrained me all the time all live. I can't wait.