Aftermath

Its been 8 days now and I can't even begin to descripe all the emotions I have gone thru. At first it was kind of surreal. Then a couple days after I got a terrible bladder infection so I was really sick. Now I just feel like I am totally falling apart. I know it's so melodramatic and I should try to pull my self together. Its so hard. I don't know how to get over something like this. Everyday I wake up and I'm either pissed or just so gutwrenchingly sad that I just want to die. I know it will get better but the getting there is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I would feel better if someone would just beat the crap out of me or something. In the back of my mind I feel like I should be punished for losing a child. I used to dream that I had a baby and then forgot where I left it. This is so much worse than that feeling of dread. I feel like I did something wrong, really really wrong. The guilt is a surprise actually. I knew I would feel sad if something happened but I don't understand why I feel so damn guilty. I just want this to be over and I'm not sure it ever will be. It was such a one in a million shot anyway, I can't help but feel it was our only chance. I hope. I hope, I hope I am wrong but right now it is not easy to see that I probably am. I never knew a person could literally have a broken heart. I do now.......

Misplaced Youth

Five days ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 wks pregnant with a baby that completely took me by surprise. My husband Kipp and I had tried for 8yrs to have a kid and nothing ever happened. Then boom..I loose my job, insurance and steady source of income. Now I'm pregnant! Of course. But still happy about the event for sure. We had just assumed that it was never going to happen so it really didn't even cross our mind that it could be true. I took three pregnancy tests the day we found out because we were so shocked. I just sat there on the john looking at that stick like the information was misfiring in my head. It took a few days to sink in. At first we said we weren't going to tell anyone, but we were just so damn happy we couldn't keep it in. So after a day or so we broke down and told every frickin person we knew like total idiots. You can see where the story goes easily enough. So fast forward to this moment now when I'm sitting at my computer with an empty belly and it is the most confusing feeling I've ever had. All that pain and nothing at the end. The dissappointment is crushing........ that's all I got............