Its the last day of 2006. It's kind of limping out quietly with it's tail between its legs. I sure hope 2007 has some magic in store for me. Its not been what I'd call a stellar year. I've gone over that enough now. Time to let it all go and just forge ahead.
First item on the agenda is to find another job ASAP! I haven't been so broke since I was in college and it is getting old. I signed up with the temp agency and I am hoping that will help me find something that I really like. I'm looking at it like an opportunity to try some different areas out and see what comes up. I realize now that no one is going to make it a priority to help me. I have to do it myself and even though that sucks, that is the reality of my situation. So, I will submit some online stuff today and when Tuesday rolls around, I am going to hit some different places like coffee shops, bakeries etc....just to see what I can find. Networking is going to be the key so I have to get out there and find some stuff.
On another note, I am starting to study more and try to educate myself on a regular basis. One thing I want to do this week is go to the library. I need some books on organic gardening and such so I can at least read about what I want to do. I am very interested in learning to build trellis and the like so I can try out some vines and other things that need support. I got out my Grandpas old gardening books yesterday. They are so funny because they are from the 50's. Every page tells you to use chemicals, they are not harmful. I laughed too because in every picture its a guy doing the work and he is smoking a pipe in every frame. Funny! I have had the planting bug severely for the past few days. I am trying to supplement with houseplants but its not the same. It will do for now though. My plan is to make a very long rectangle shaped garden on the east side of my house. It gets alot of sun there so I will be able to plant a huge herb bed there. I need to improve the soil some but it should be a great spot because I can also use the fence to grow stuff too. Looking forward to being able to get outside into the fresh air. At this time of year, my body actually is longing for it. Anyway. thats it for now.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Taking it to the streets
Its Friday morning, almost 8am. Time to get on the job hunt once again. I sent off a little speil this moringing that should help me out. A denouncement about how I feel about work. Hope I can live up to it. Sometimes its hard to take a crappy job and make it good. I don't really know anything about this job however so I won't assume its crappy. The nice thing is it is right downtown so I am hoping to get it for that reason alone. Save alot of money in gas and parking etc.... I like that . Plus I can walk when the weather gets nicer. I like that too..
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
Taking it to the streets
Its Friday morning, almost 8am. Time to get on the job hunt once again. I sent off a little speil this moringing that should help me out. A denouncement about how I feel about work. Hope I can live up to it. Sometimes its hard to take a crappy job and make it good. I don't really know anything about this job however so I won't assume its crappy. The nice thing is it is right downtown so I am hoping to get it for that reason alone. Save alot of money in gas and parking etc.... I like that . Plus I can walk when the weather gets nicer. I like that too..
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
Taking it to the streets
Its Friday morning, almost 8am. Time to get on the job hunt once again. I sent off a little speil this moringing that should help me out. A denouncement about how I feel about work. Hope I can live up to it. Sometimes its hard to take a crappy job and make it good. I don't really know anything about this job however so I won't assume its crappy. The nice thing is it is right downtown so I am hoping to get it for that reason alone. Save alot of money in gas and parking etc.... I like that . Plus I can walk when the weather gets nicer. I like that too..
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
So, last night I had this dream that I was sitting in the car with some older people. I am behind the wheel and they are on a bench seat in the front with me. We are selling something to eat but I am not sure what it is. This big heavy black gal comes to the passenger window and wants some of what we have but we don't have as much as she wants. All of a sudden I realize she is mad and starting to move around to the back window of the car. I know she is going to shoot me in the back of the head through the window. She fires the gun and I feel the bullet whoose by my neck just under my left ear. It is so close I can feel the wind of it blow my hair and I can hear the sound. I am relieved she misses and then the dream switches to something else. Not sure at all what that symbolizes. A narrow miss somewhere in my waking mind.....strange strange strange. The strange part is I think the man was a younger version of my grandpa on my Dad's side. He died a few years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. Its sad how my Dad's side of the family is just totally scattered and doesn't see each other at all.. My cousin who is my age is in prison for Meth. My uncle Bill is an amputee from diabetes. My second cousin doesn't speak to any of us and she probably really needs that connection. Mhy other cousin who is my sisters age is a Geologist down at WSU. Not so far away but not interested in us apparently as I have emailed him once and got no reply. I have two other cousins that are little girls that I have never even seen that belong to my youngest uncle who dies a few years ago of a heart attack. He was only forty. Anyway, no matter what I still have my immediate family. Thats enough I suppose.
I jsut spent some time looking up the meaning of death or dying in a dream. What is symbolized by this is a big change ahead. Moving ahead to something new and leaving the past behind. I think maybe all the whoha with my family over Christmas has allowed my to break free of some of the baggage of my past. I want to put those bags down and start over with a light load. I am tired of dragging that ugly beaten up suitcase behind me. So, I forge ahead narrowly escaping the crazy woman's bullet, alive to fight another day in the ongoing battle of becoming................what I don't know but I am on to something here and want to follow it to the end. Later Gater
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Getting back on the Horse
Had a good job interview today. I went down to Officeteam and did all their testing Went better than I expected to. I knew more about Excell than I realized, a lot less about Word. All in all though my scores were good. They thought they could place me with a company downtown right away. I had to take a personality test and will have to do the drug screen yet another time. I do not relish peeing in a cup at all..but not a big deal either. I hope I like it when I get there. There is a possibility of going permanent. Just want a paycheck for now. Got ideas for gardens swimming in my head- need to focus on plans for that idea. All that takes cash so I gotta hustle up and make some. Got the bug to grow something bad today. Took the last of my Christmas money and bought myself some new houses plants to mess around with until the weather gets better. I always feel like the house breathes better with alot of plants around. The cats have found it endlessly fun too. They spend all their spare time scooping dirt out on to the kitchen floor. Little bastards!!!anyway, other than eating way to much tonight as a result of too much stress right now I've had a pretty good day. I felt it was productive so tomorrow I will try some more and see what happens.
FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS
feelings are baggage from your past
Its okay to leave your bags at the airport
If you don't want them anymore
Or if they are so worn out you can't drag them across the parking lot cause the handle is broke and the zipper won't close
In other words when they are no longer useful to you
Just set them down and walk away
It will set you free......................
New Batteries
Well, it is finally coming to an end. My sister and her kid get back on the bus this morning to head back to Seattle. It was fun having them here, but I am glad to have my house back.
On another note, I have a job interview today. Its for Office team which is a temp service. I applied for a customer service job out in Liberty Lake that pays very well so I hope that is the one they have in mind. Since I've made up my mind about my Farmers Market business, I'm not so concerned with what I do for actual work. Not that important, just need the work.
Now that everyone is leaving I am going to cleanse the house tonight. Just a little ceremony to clean and dispell any lingering energy that is not helpful. I usually use a sage smudger and incense with a devoted meditation for good measure. Doing this causes you to focus directed thought throughout your home charging it with postitive energy. This last year has really made me feel I have the right to call myself a witch as I have been through an awful lot and without it I don't think I could have kept my feet on the ground. I've been kicking around the idea of writing a biography but something tells me I am not there yet.
Went to wonders of the world yesterday with Amber and Emily to shop. That was fun and they have a ton of stuff in there that I want to make myself. The wands in particular were very cool. Thought of going to the river when it is down and collecting the drift branches to make them out of. Decorated with leather and crystals they will be very nice. I could also use glass from Shawn and Leslie. I thought carving them some would look good too. Maybe Runes symbols or Zodiac. At any rate, it would give me a project to work on besides watching TV or fighting with Kipp.
The final word of the day is that I may go to a witch's group tonight. I still haven't fully decided as I am a little nervous meeting up with new people but something tells me I may meet someone important there. Tah for now. more later of course
On another note, I have a job interview today. Its for Office team which is a temp service. I applied for a customer service job out in Liberty Lake that pays very well so I hope that is the one they have in mind. Since I've made up my mind about my Farmers Market business, I'm not so concerned with what I do for actual work. Not that important, just need the work.
Now that everyone is leaving I am going to cleanse the house tonight. Just a little ceremony to clean and dispell any lingering energy that is not helpful. I usually use a sage smudger and incense with a devoted meditation for good measure. Doing this causes you to focus directed thought throughout your home charging it with postitive energy. This last year has really made me feel I have the right to call myself a witch as I have been through an awful lot and without it I don't think I could have kept my feet on the ground. I've been kicking around the idea of writing a biography but something tells me I am not there yet.
Went to wonders of the world yesterday with Amber and Emily to shop. That was fun and they have a ton of stuff in there that I want to make myself. The wands in particular were very cool. Thought of going to the river when it is down and collecting the drift branches to make them out of. Decorated with leather and crystals they will be very nice. I could also use glass from Shawn and Leslie. I thought carving them some would look good too. Maybe Runes symbols or Zodiac. At any rate, it would give me a project to work on besides watching TV or fighting with Kipp.
The final word of the day is that I may go to a witch's group tonight. I still haven't fully decided as I am a little nervous meeting up with new people but something tells me I may meet someone important there. Tah for now. more later of course
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The next day the witch woke up and ............
Its Wednesday. I hate Wednesday during a week I am not working cause it doesn't matter when the weekend comes or not. This is driving me crazy. Now that I have decided I want to work of course I can't find a decent job in my super fast time frame that I want it all to come together in. I do however want to find something I will really like so I guess I need to be patient and believe that I will be alright. Right at this moment in my life I would pack up my cat and all my crap and move off to a cabin in the woods and live the life of a hermit. I would just love to have some solitude away from all the noise of my life so that I can figure some shit out. I don't really foresee that happening however so I will just live out a little fantasy in my head and leave it at that. I swear though one of these days soon(meaning after Dan is done with School) I am setting out on an adventure all by myself and I am not coming back until I am damn good and ready. Everybody should have one good pilgrimage in thier life to show them life can be different. The urge to see other places is growing very strong and I don't really have a desire to squash it either. I'm going eventually and this time I don't care what anybody thinks about it. Later on I might regret it but for now I feel like I deserve it. I've been doing what everybody else wants me to do for long enough. Time for a little fun and a little travel to strange places and big spaces.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The totally especially magically really really bad day
Today was a bad, bad ,bad day. I had family here all day again today and I have just completely had it...I am so sick of all of them and all our disfunction. Who new what giant fiaso layed in store for me when I opened my eyes this morning. I should have known by the way it was snowing like a blizzard as my feet hit the floor. I should have rolled over and gone back to sleep, for several days.........I knew my husband was pissed the minute he woke up since we did not have sex last night. He ripped right into me first thing so that set my mood up nice and shitty since I know deep down I have been avoiding him on purpose. The big L on my forehead keeps wedging itself between us in such a manner as to prevent any fun in the bedroom. One thing led to another and we were at each others throats with all the big weapons out. Time to turn it up....it totally sucked....so in the mean time I go off somewhere to cool down a little and then my parents call to say they are still coming and I was so thinking I was off the hook from all the snow. But no apparently my Dad was really jonesing for a grandkid fix so they trekked in here despite the bad weather. So, they get here, I've got no plan for food, we have been fighting all morning and its 1pm and my husband is sucking down beers like theres no tomorrow. Finally we go to the store, get some food, we sit down and eat it. My Mom starts telling some story about how my great gramma spanked my grandpa every day whether he needed it or not. At this point my husband starts this huge arguement about what a bunch of crap that was. On and on and on they are argueing back and forth. Needless to say my husband proved his point and my mother ended up crying and I ended up crying and my sister is crying. I am so pissed at my husband cause the whole time I feel like I have to mediate the whole process so I am just at my whits end at this point. SO, then we have this whole thing of crying together and it was just like a scene from some fucking made for TV holiday special. What a load of crap I hate this shit, I hate the damn drama of it, I hate having to deal with my family crap out in public like that and by public I mean my immeidate family. Who are these people and why am I so totally stuck with them???I don't get it...why did God or what ever force created us set us up to be full of so much chaos. Why do some people have a built in ability to direct their energy to obtain thier dreams and goals and other people like me spin in circles and stay jumbled up for thier whole life. God I feel so out of control right now and that feeling is just so tough to flow with.....this whole day was given to me as some sort of cosmic gift is the crazy part because I am already figuring some shit out. I did a tarot reading the other day that didn't make much sense at first, but after this day, I know thats what the cards were showing me. It described all the key pieces and players in this little scenario to a T after I thought about it for a little bit. I have been asking for a teacher to be sent to me recently, I didn't know that it would come in this form, but I need to accept it and learn the lesson here. I know in my heart the reason Kipp got so mad is that he felt like he was defending me. I don't think I ever really felt that from him before. It surprised me because it made me see that he really does love me and I've never felt sure before. It scares the hell out of me to trust someone that much....literally I feel my body close down and seal off from his energy any time I sense any thing off. I get so scared inside of the unknown circumstances of a given situation that I act wrecklessly to try and control the outcome. I do it without even consciencously being aware but that thought come to me suddenly when I was walking tonight and I know its a truth for me. I get very apprehensive if I sense displeasure. It also came to me that at the very core of who I am is a person who doesn't trust herself. All my personal relationships and experiences are influenced by that fact. I suppose this is the type of shit Dr. Phil is talking about when he mentions your authentic self . I need to recognize this and start to build that trust so I can move forward. Listen to the voice in your head just not the loud obnoxious one-try to hear the quiet one that comes from the back and speaks softly in your ear. Thats the one that speaks the truth.
When I was a little girl
I felt like I was magic inside
Like I carried around a little gold spark
that sometimes showed in my eye
Somewhere along the way
my eye fell out.........
When I was a little girl
I felt like I was magic inside
Like I carried around a little gold spark
that sometimes showed in my eye
Somewhere along the way
my eye fell out.........
Its so over...
Finally the Holidays are over. I never consider New Years a holiday really. You aren't required to make any special food or buy anyone a gift etc....so that's pretty cool. I am glad they are finally done with and I can get back to the buisness of real life. My sister is still here and will be til Thursday morning but other than that we are done. I am going to take my resume to Steve today and hopefully that will generate some interest. I'm still waiting to hear from Travelers but won't be able to talk to anyone down there until Thursday. I guess I just need to be open, not panic and keep my ears open. I've decided that I am going to take any job I can find as I want to turn my garden areas into a little herb farm for the Farmers Market. I really liked doing that last year and want to continue this Spring again. I will focus mostly on culinary herbs but may also try to do tea as well. Kipp is going to help me turn the little garage into a green house so that will make things easier. I can do starts in there in the next 8 weeks or so and that will give me a focus. I feel really excited about it and sounds like both Kipp and Dan are willing to help me out. My idea is to expand eventually to a bigger farm area and possibly have a store as supplemental. I think and organic market might go well over where my Dad lives. Just a matter of a little money and alot of work. I could do it right here too. I would like a little metaphysical store maybe too to cater to the locals who practice. Just stuff like books, jewlery, alter stuff. We will just have to see what happens but now I have a focus so I need to get a job asap! I will keep working on it this week which is all I can do really. Something will turn up and I will like it more than likely.... Later Here's a couple pics from Christmas.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Family Fun
Last night we went to Palouse for the annual Christmas gathering with my husbands family. It was alot of fun. Everybody pretty much was there and we had a really good time. Even Derek made it over who is my husbands cousin. He lives in Bellingham and works as a landscaper. He's a cutie and fun to talk to as well. All the kids were there running around and wrecking havoc with everybody and everything they could possible get thier little hands on. Magically though nobody had a melt down until the very end when people were starting to leave. Lars was just so dissappointed it was over that he ran through the house crying his little head off! Pretty funny really. It was pleasant to just eat and talk and eat and talk with everyone. Then when we got back to Spokane, we went over to our friends Leslie and Shawns for a little Christmas party they were having. Pretty cool as they had turn tables set up and homemade wine was flowing freely. We even got a bottle to take home with us. Cherry flavor....While I was doing a little shopping yesterday I picked up a chunk of Citrine for some reason. I just saw it and thought, I need to have that. Then when I got home Leslie had made me this totally cool necklace as a gift. I was so not expecting it which made it even better so when we went to the party, I gave her the citrine. She really seemed to like it so I guess it was meant for her. Anyway, have to go get ready to head up to my Mom's which should also be fun. I will post more on that later.....
Saturday, December 23, 2006
One Day and Counting
Its beautiful outside right now. Its 6:30am and snowing fairly hard. The streets are quiet and it seems so peaceful.. I can't wait until I live out in the woods so I can totally experience a full winter without the interuption of the city. For now I will be glad for what I have. Waiting for this new segment of my life to start is getting a little tiresome. My frustration level is high so I have to remember that things happen in the manner they do for a reason. I registered with office team last night so hopefully that might generate some interest. Next week I am taking Steve my resume and I am hitting the streets with it to look for work. I am a warrior in my heart and I am no longer willing to sit back and wait for Kipp to take care of our situation. I don't know why I thought he should in the first place. I'm losing faith in him little by little and it really hurts me to think that but I feel its the truth. He is losing himself in alcohol and other things and slowly turning away from me. I suppose it was inevitable since we are both addicts at heart. Maybe our paths are meant to separate but I hope not. I still love him just not his actions. I can't stand seeing him feel so frustrated all the time. He is hurting too and we are both wondering how we got to this point in our lives. However, I am not willing to settle for this. I want more from my life than a short stint of success and then nothing but dissappointment. I'm thinking of trying to start a group to meet with once a week for support and witchiness. I want to develope my skills and learn to use them to my advantage. I keep putting my personal growth on the back burner never letting myself fully experiment with what I can possibly reach. I think I am still a little bit scared of turning away from conventional religion fully. Its strange because I know in my heart that the things I have learned are the truth. There are just too many obvious answers to ignore it all. Old habits die hard I guess. I feel very isolated right now and finding a group of women to help me along might strenghthen my spirit enough to find some resolution. Here are some pictures I took a couple days ago. Some of them remind me of fairy houses and hiding spots. Enjoy!
Friday, December 22, 2006
She's Hereeeeeeeeeeee.....................
Well, my sister got in last night around 6pm and almost immediately all the old crap between us reared its ugly head . In my mind anyway. She was annoying me from almost the minute she stepped into my house. I don't know why. Old habits die hard I suppose. Its all me I know cause she is just herself no matter what. I hate that certain people have the power to make me feel uncertain about myself and who I am. Keeping my mouth in check was no easy task and it didn't help that my husband was getting drunk and acting like a dork. Not a big deal but I really wasn't in the mood for it. I suppose I will have to meditate and do a little banishing ceremony so I can behave myself. No easy task as I sometimes have very little self control in this area. I will try try try. The basis of it is that I am jealous. It seems like she is living a better or different life than me and I feel stuck where I am right now. She's having a baby and I lost mine. Blah Blah Blah Blah......Wha Wha Wha.....I just need to shut up and act like a human. Its Christmas and I am not going to ruin it by acting like a bitch so there. Later all
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Time Time Time is on my side yes it is........
Day one of no work. Got up at 7am and low and behold it had snowed last night. I could tell as soon as I woke up cause the light had that certain quality about it. When I 'm done here I'm going to take my dog out for a walk. I am looking forward to the day so I can get the house in order and tomorrow I do all my baking for the weekend ahead. Winter Solstice is upon us and my 38th birthday is one week ahead of me. This has not been what I would call a stellar year. Too much chaos and not enough progress. The lessons learned have been hard and harsh but I feel like I am about to come out the other side. I'm ready to make some changes and get back on track. Financially, things are not looking good but I am about to get a new job so things will get better soon.
My sister will be here tonight and I am looking forward to that. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. Now that she lives in Hawaii I hardly even email her because where she lives is out of WIFI range. We have not had the best relationship over the years and I would like to change that. I've come to recognize that it won't be long before she is all I have left of my family besides my kids. I need to mend the fence with her. We've never really talked about it but I am fairly sure she holds the same practices as myself. I know she doesn't consider herself a witch but she believes pretty much the same as me and thats a good common bond.
She is suppose to be bringing me so cool bags from the asian market and will also bring my niece who is spoiled but I love anyway. She's a good girl that has kind of had to suffer her Mom's flaky life. I think she is okay now . She lives with her Dad and they have a new baby named Samantha oddly enough. I think Emily really likes her much to her surprise. She was pretty pissed when she first found out. Silly girl She didn't know that babies are magic and that almost everyone loves them.
I will be going out to see my friend Cheryl next week and help her set up her baby room. She is having a little girl on the 2nd of Jan. They tried for the 1st but the Doc. wouldn't come in on a holiday. At any rate I am excited. Her name is Syana and I will post some pics when she gets here. Not much else going on right now, so I will get in the shower and get outside before the storm gets any worse. Will probably post some pics of the snow later. Tah for now
My sister will be here tonight and I am looking forward to that. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. Now that she lives in Hawaii I hardly even email her because where she lives is out of WIFI range. We have not had the best relationship over the years and I would like to change that. I've come to recognize that it won't be long before she is all I have left of my family besides my kids. I need to mend the fence with her. We've never really talked about it but I am fairly sure she holds the same practices as myself. I know she doesn't consider herself a witch but she believes pretty much the same as me and thats a good common bond.
She is suppose to be bringing me so cool bags from the asian market and will also bring my niece who is spoiled but I love anyway. She's a good girl that has kind of had to suffer her Mom's flaky life. I think she is okay now . She lives with her Dad and they have a new baby named Samantha oddly enough. I think Emily really likes her much to her surprise. She was pretty pissed when she first found out. Silly girl She didn't know that babies are magic and that almost everyone loves them.
I will be going out to see my friend Cheryl next week and help her set up her baby room. She is having a little girl on the 2nd of Jan. They tried for the 1st but the Doc. wouldn't come in on a holiday. At any rate I am excited. Her name is Syana and I will post some pics when she gets here. Not much else going on right now, so I will get in the shower and get outside before the storm gets any worse. Will probably post some pics of the snow later. Tah for now
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Five things
Five things you probably dont know about me:
1. I used to live on a farm and broke horses when I was a teenager
2. I was a bartender in a former life
3. I rode a big motor cycle for 3 years
4. I graduated from WSU with an animal science degree
5. I have had plastic surgery
Interesting day. Last night while I was meditating, I was really concentrating on being open to new opportunities and to accepting where I am in my life. This morning when I got to work I found out I am being laid off again effective pretty much immediately. However, my boss happens to be a boy genius and has a million contacts within the banking idustry. He told me he thinks I am a good fit to be a personal banker and that if I want he can send my resume out to some places. Basically according to him he can get me in somewhere if I want him to. This is great because I've not been sure I wanted to go back to insurance and was hoping to move in a new direction. I'm not counting on him to get me the job, but if he can get me some interviews I can do the rest. I kept wondering why I was placed in that position and what lesson I was suppose to learn. Well, I got the lesson down,appreciate what you have and don't take it for granted. The other part though is I was supposed to meet Steve so he could help me move on. COOL Deal and concrete proof that the universe takes care of you if you ask and are willing to be open. So, now I need to polish up my resume and take it in to him so he can pass it on to some of his buddies. Time to get ready for sleep and do a little more witch work . Later all
Over the hump
Its mid week before Christmas and I am looking forward to some time off
The one thing I don't like about a regular job in an office is you never have the time to do anything you want to do. During the week you work and during the weekend you clean and get ready to work. It can be monotonous. The best thing is it is almost winter solstice:
Longest Night of the Year
The winter solstice marks the shortest day and the longest night of the year. The sun appears at its lowest point in the sky, and its noontime elevation appears to be the same for several days before and after the solstice. Hence the origin of the word solstice, which comes from Latin solstitium, from sol, “sun” and -stitium, “a stoppage.” Following the winter solstice, the days begin to grow longer and the nights shorter.
This makes me happy cause that means we are heading into Spring even though Solstice marks the beginning of winter rather than the end. I am going to have a little ceremony I think to mark the occasion tomorrow night. I'm making some spiced cider and we will have a nice dinner with my sister.
For Witches solstice has a more importanta meaning as follows:
darkness and the longest night of the year. The Winter Solstice had been associated with the birth of a "Divine King" long before the rise of Christianity. Since the Sun is considered to represent the Male Divinity in many Pagan Traditions, this time is celebrated as the "return of the Sun God" where He is reborn of the Goddess . It seems to me that this is quite similar to the Christian story of Jesus being born of a virgin mother. I like both versions myself because the christian story speaks more to humanity and the pagan version speaks of renewal of the earth. They are both symbols of the constant renewal of life showing us the way to live a spiritual existance and the importance of revering all in the world not just that which is human.
As the New Year comes I will turn 38yrs old. It seems to me my time is passing so quickly. There are still so many things I want to do that seem out of reach to me. However, there are many things I want to do that are totally within my reach and I vow not to waste any of what is left to me. It is my goal to create the life I want for my self every day. Part of being a witch is discovering who you really are at your core. To do this requires much work and diligence but in the end you know yourself. I have not acknowledge my true self in years because I have been to consumed by what others told me I was. Now its time for me to be me without reservations, without fear and without the influence of those who don't truly know who I am....Time to grow Time to be courageous and face down my demons so that I can have my time in the Sun as well..
Blessed be and Merry meet.............
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Potluck Tuesday
Today we are having a little potluck at work so I spent last night baking. I made a batch of whoopie pies which are essentially like a little Debbie snack cake made from chocolate cookies and marshmellow filling. Very tasty but very messy. When I was done there was marshmellow filling everywhere including my hair and my husband's beard. Got it done though and went to bed early. Mot much time for magic yesterday. I did stop by the pet/nursery store by my house and look over the seeds section. I plan to put in a very big garden this year. I'm planning a couple new beds and have a small vegetable space plotted out already. I am using a technique called layering. What you do is you layer soil with composing materials like leaves, choped plant matter etc...and build up your beds that way rather than digging out beds. Its pretty cool. I planted garlic this past fall and plan to do onions, tomatoes, peppers, spinach and lettuce. I might try some strawberries too but the birds usually get them. I also want to try to grow small pumpkins on a trellis. I think that will be a fun little experiment. Anyway, this time of year always gets me thinking about gardening way to early. I'm always jumping the gun and putting stuff out too early. This year I have alot of clean up to do around here first so that will help keep me busy until its warm enough.
My sister Amber and niece Emily will be here on Thursday for the holiday. They are riding the train over from Seattle to spend Christmas with us. That will be fun for them I think. I'm looking forward to seeing them but also kind of apprehensive. We have always had a bit of a strained relationship and now she is pregnant so that is a bit of a sore point for me. I have never understood why we couldn't have a kid when we wanted one together so much. But enough about that . I am going to do some circle work to make sure I am on my best behavior. I want to have a good relationship with everyone I know so that is my challenge.
Well, time for coffee and a bath before work. I have a bunch of stuff to do today too so I'd better take advantage of the extra time I have this morning to do some of it.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Time for some new news
I've decided to change the direction of this blog to focus more on developing my craft. I have been dabbling for a long time so now I want to hone in on my skills and start becoming a full blow witch. I am more of a kitchen and garden witch than a spell casting witch but I do meditate alot. I really want to start developing better mind control so that I can help my self become what I was designed for. I understand now that the only reason we are here is to cultivate great relationships and help each other as much as we can. So, with that said, I will move forward with this blog and keep myself on track by documenting my progress.
One of the biggests glaring truths of my life is that I have spent much time trying to control others. I was in the kitchen baking the other day which is one of my favorite times to contemplate life. It suddenly occured to me that I need to stop trying to make my husband not drink. He doesn't drink excessively but I have a bad background with it having spent part of my childhood with an alcoholic in the house. It makes me extremely uptight and nervous to see him drinking on a daily basis. The truth is though that I CANNOT stop him nor should I try as we are all on our own journey and the number one rule of being a witch is not to interfere with others. I think I have finally accepted that if his path deviates from mine, then that is the way it is meant to be and I have no control over anyone but myself and how I handle it. Letting go of this problem has really provided some relief and allowed me to focus more on my own growth. That's where I want to look anyway. I am no where close to perfect and have plenty of my own issues to work out without worrying about him. Thinking about him was just a way to avoid my own stuff.
Growing up is such a hard thing. I thought that if I became a witch I would have instant wisdom but like anything else you have to work to achieve it. I'm just glad I figured out what I am before it was too late. Now I need to find my own way in the world and be true to myself. Its scary to think I might do it alone but I know now that I can.....
My sister and her daughter Emily will be here for Christmas. That shoudl be fun. I haven' seen them in over a year. Amber is pregnant and not quite past the three month mark so I am a little nervous for her but I think she is meant to have son for some reason. I hope she is happy with her new man. I am going to cast circle while she is here and see if we can tell what the baby's sex is. Better get in the shower. Time to head out to the warehouse for the final push this week. Stay tuned...........I'm coming into my own now.
One of the biggests glaring truths of my life is that I have spent much time trying to control others. I was in the kitchen baking the other day which is one of my favorite times to contemplate life. It suddenly occured to me that I need to stop trying to make my husband not drink. He doesn't drink excessively but I have a bad background with it having spent part of my childhood with an alcoholic in the house. It makes me extremely uptight and nervous to see him drinking on a daily basis. The truth is though that I CANNOT stop him nor should I try as we are all on our own journey and the number one rule of being a witch is not to interfere with others. I think I have finally accepted that if his path deviates from mine, then that is the way it is meant to be and I have no control over anyone but myself and how I handle it. Letting go of this problem has really provided some relief and allowed me to focus more on my own growth. That's where I want to look anyway. I am no where close to perfect and have plenty of my own issues to work out without worrying about him. Thinking about him was just a way to avoid my own stuff.
Growing up is such a hard thing. I thought that if I became a witch I would have instant wisdom but like anything else you have to work to achieve it. I'm just glad I figured out what I am before it was too late. Now I need to find my own way in the world and be true to myself. Its scary to think I might do it alone but I know now that I can.....
My sister and her daughter Emily will be here for Christmas. That shoudl be fun. I haven' seen them in over a year. Amber is pregnant and not quite past the three month mark so I am a little nervous for her but I think she is meant to have son for some reason. I hope she is happy with her new man. I am going to cast circle while she is here and see if we can tell what the baby's sex is. Better get in the shower. Time to head out to the warehouse for the final push this week. Stay tuned...........I'm coming into my own now.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Travelin Dan
Took Dan out to Vantage to meet up with his Dad today. Long drive. Took about 6 hours all together. Not much out there but the landscape is beautiful in its own stark way. It was nice out too. The sun was shining and the roads were clear so that was great. I saw a bald eagle on the side of the road when we first started out. I always like to take a drive with Dan cause he likes to talk in the car. I guess not having too much direct attention helps him to open up. Anyway, we had a good time and it was nice to drive back alone and just be by myself before I came home. Kipp and I aren't getting along so well today probably because I am sort of crabby for no reason other than its Christmas and we are broke which I hate. It always seems that way since I never plan ahead.
I've been thinking alot about what kind of work I want to do. I really want to get into some kind of gardening business. I love to plant things and care for them. Plus the satisfaction of doing someone else's yard would be good. I feel like I would be contributing to the world in a positive way. Not sure if I want to do something on my own or if I want to work for someone else for a while but definately that is one idea I love. Kind of like a make over for your yard.....I could come in design beds and do the planting and also offer weekly maintainence. Need to figure out how it would all work and if there is a market. Anyway, here are some pics of my yard right now. Its one week before winter officially starts which seems kind of bleak since I always feel like once January hits it almost Spring but that is never the case.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Mallrats
Just returned from doing my final Chrismas shopping at the local mall. What a total nightmare. The place is just crawling with people and getting out of the parking lot took at least 20min. I did get the last of my stuff done though. Now I just need to make a run to the grocery store sometime this week for candy and baking supplies and I am golden. I have to make pies for our christmas dinners and need to find the time to bake. Not sure when that will take place as I have to work all week. I guess I can freeze some stuff. I'm starting to get in the mood a little more and looking forward to spending time with the family. Although we have back to back dates which makes it a little harder. We have to travel down south on Sat. and then up to my Mom's an hour and half north of Spokane on Sunday. Thank God we are just staying home for Christmas day as I get no time off other wise. Well, got to run the kid downtown for a party so I will post more later.
Mallrats
Just returned from doing my final Chrismas shopping at the local mall. What a total nightmare. The place is just crawling with people and getting out of the parking lot took at least 20min. I did get the last of my stuff done though. Now I just need to make a run to the grocery store sometime this week for candy and baking supplies and I am golden. I have to make pies for our christmas dinners and need to find the time to bake. Not sure when that will take place as I have to work all week. I guess I can freeze some stuff. I'm starting to get in the mood a little more and looking forward to spending time with the family. Although we have back to back dates which makes it a little harder. We have to travel down south on Sat. and then up to my Mom's an hour and half north of Spokane on Sunday. Thank God we are just staying home for Christmas day as I get no time off other wise. Well, got to run the kid downtown for a party so I will post more later.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Yule Bryner
Well, its one week until Christmas and I have done virtually no planning for anything. I want to have a little yule celebration but I just haven't had the time or money to put one together. My sister will be here next week so I would like to have some fun with her around but I just don't know where I will fit it in. The holidays come and go so fast and I really haven't been in the mood this year. Just too much going on in my life to think about it really. I'm looking back on this year and it is amazing how quickly it went by and how horrible it really was. We are making it though and feel like we are slowly healing. I have learned alot of hard lessons growing out of old habits and trying to take on new ones.
I didn't sleep well last night because I smoked when I got home. Don't know why, I don't enjoy it anymore but old habits die hard I suppose. So I will string together more time so I can finally conquer that one noose around my neck that I really want to get rid of . I don't like having crutches. I want more control over myself than that. I don't remember any dreams from last night so I won't post them today.
I'm staying with Cheryl's kids tonight. Thought about taking them downtown to see the tree and santa maybe. The park is all lit up and so are the streets. I was also thinking of taking them on a carriage ride if its not too expensive. I think it might even be free. That would be very cool. Parking around down there could be a pain though. We'll see how I feel after work I guess. We've been busy out there right up until 5pm every night this week. Last week for shipping and getting it there on time guaranteed.
Well, I'd better get going as I don't really have much insight today worth talking about. I did meditate last night for about 10 minutes and I am sticking to writing. We also actually left the house last night and went up to Shawn and Leslie's for a little bit. They are having a big party next weekend, but we will be out of town so can't go. Little Damon was up there, he is getting so big and talking so well. I really hope his Dad can pull it together and keep him safe and happy. He seems to be trying really hard since his girlfriend died. Just another reason to sober up and take back my own life. I want to make something of myself so that I don't feel I've wasted the time I've been given. Even if it is just reaching some sort of enlightenment and cultivating great relationships, that will be enough but its time to do something more...
I didn't sleep well last night because I smoked when I got home. Don't know why, I don't enjoy it anymore but old habits die hard I suppose. So I will string together more time so I can finally conquer that one noose around my neck that I really want to get rid of . I don't like having crutches. I want more control over myself than that. I don't remember any dreams from last night so I won't post them today.
I'm staying with Cheryl's kids tonight. Thought about taking them downtown to see the tree and santa maybe. The park is all lit up and so are the streets. I was also thinking of taking them on a carriage ride if its not too expensive. I think it might even be free. That would be very cool. Parking around down there could be a pain though. We'll see how I feel after work I guess. We've been busy out there right up until 5pm every night this week. Last week for shipping and getting it there on time guaranteed.
Well, I'd better get going as I don't really have much insight today worth talking about. I did meditate last night for about 10 minutes and I am sticking to writing. We also actually left the house last night and went up to Shawn and Leslie's for a little bit. They are having a big party next weekend, but we will be out of town so can't go. Little Damon was up there, he is getting so big and talking so well. I really hope his Dad can pull it together and keep him safe and happy. He seems to be trying really hard since his girlfriend died. Just another reason to sober up and take back my own life. I want to make something of myself so that I don't feel I've wasted the time I've been given. Even if it is just reaching some sort of enlightenment and cultivating great relationships, that will be enough but its time to do something more...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Time to face the strange chchchanges
Thursday morning. Work week is almost over and tomorrows payday. Yippee...Not that I get to keep much. Finances continue to be a struggle lately but Spring will be here in no time so I'm not really worried as long as we keep paying the house payment. I like my job now so I wil stay there as long as I can for the moment.
I have written in this journal for three days in a row without fail. I think I am trying to develope a routine but I don't really want to say it outloud. I'm much more focused now that I am treating my anxiety and that is helping me alot. The sleep I am getting is amazing really. I go to bed and crash out like the dead until the alarm goes off. I love that . It so nice to just sleep without any interuption. I didn't realize that the quality I was getting before was so bad. I used to wake up all the time and then start to worry so I couldn't go back to sleep. Its kind of like I have been set free. Just being able to take problems and challenges as they come is something I have never in my life experienced. I am planning to start a new course of study soon to teach myself even more about herbs and alternative treatments for health too. I am very interested in building a little sweat lodge so I can try that out. I want to get my self as detoxified as I can because I believe that it impacts your brain function so much. Its like having a cloud lifted a little bit at a time so that you can see the full brightness of the sun. Its time for me to start casting circle again too so that I can develope my mind to be stronger and more controllable. I know now that your mind must be controlled or it will control you and that is no fun. Training yourself to think in a certain pattern is a matter of self control which I have never had either so I am looking forward to working on it. I just need a little more time in my day without interuption. I wish I had a little room of my own to work out of.
Last night I dreamt that Cheryl and I were taking a little trip together. We bought some plane tickets to California and took this really huge plane with white leather seats inside like a private jet would. When we got to our destination, I realize that with as far along as she is in her pregnancy they probably weren't going to let us fly back. Oddly enough this didn't worry me and I decided I would walk back. I don't know where Cheryl went at this point but the dream switched to me and Kipp walking up a very steep hill with packs on our backs. I was actually like a rail bed and it was very hot out. We had to climb up and over the side of a wooden blockade of some sort and then the rotten fence kept breaking off in my hand making it very hard to climb over. I could sense that Kipp was getting pretty upset with me so I was trying even harder but couldn't do it. Then the dream switched to a family gathering where I had lost Kipp's aunt Teresa's dog. I was suppose to bring him back from this trip with me but somehow he wandered off without me realizing it. This dog was a big Boxer type dog. Then I am watching the TV and I see him on the petfinder channel at a Boxer rescue and I get very excited and tell everyone but they don't seem to respond then I realize its not the same dog and I feel upset that I have lost him.
I suppose this dream means that I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle with my relationship and myself. Its hard but I am still trying. Don't know about the part with Cheryl or the dog. However, the dog has been a recurring theme for the past three nights. Maybe it signifies some sort of loyalty but not sure if it pertains to me or someone else.
Time to get ready for work. More tomorrow.
I have written in this journal for three days in a row without fail. I think I am trying to develope a routine but I don't really want to say it outloud. I'm much more focused now that I am treating my anxiety and that is helping me alot. The sleep I am getting is amazing really. I go to bed and crash out like the dead until the alarm goes off. I love that . It so nice to just sleep without any interuption. I didn't realize that the quality I was getting before was so bad. I used to wake up all the time and then start to worry so I couldn't go back to sleep. Its kind of like I have been set free. Just being able to take problems and challenges as they come is something I have never in my life experienced. I am planning to start a new course of study soon to teach myself even more about herbs and alternative treatments for health too. I am very interested in building a little sweat lodge so I can try that out. I want to get my self as detoxified as I can because I believe that it impacts your brain function so much. Its like having a cloud lifted a little bit at a time so that you can see the full brightness of the sun. Its time for me to start casting circle again too so that I can develope my mind to be stronger and more controllable. I know now that your mind must be controlled or it will control you and that is no fun. Training yourself to think in a certain pattern is a matter of self control which I have never had either so I am looking forward to working on it. I just need a little more time in my day without interuption. I wish I had a little room of my own to work out of.
Last night I dreamt that Cheryl and I were taking a little trip together. We bought some plane tickets to California and took this really huge plane with white leather seats inside like a private jet would. When we got to our destination, I realize that with as far along as she is in her pregnancy they probably weren't going to let us fly back. Oddly enough this didn't worry me and I decided I would walk back. I don't know where Cheryl went at this point but the dream switched to me and Kipp walking up a very steep hill with packs on our backs. I was actually like a rail bed and it was very hot out. We had to climb up and over the side of a wooden blockade of some sort and then the rotten fence kept breaking off in my hand making it very hard to climb over. I could sense that Kipp was getting pretty upset with me so I was trying even harder but couldn't do it. Then the dream switched to a family gathering where I had lost Kipp's aunt Teresa's dog. I was suppose to bring him back from this trip with me but somehow he wandered off without me realizing it. This dog was a big Boxer type dog. Then I am watching the TV and I see him on the petfinder channel at a Boxer rescue and I get very excited and tell everyone but they don't seem to respond then I realize its not the same dog and I feel upset that I have lost him.
I suppose this dream means that I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle with my relationship and myself. Its hard but I am still trying. Don't know about the part with Cheryl or the dog. However, the dog has been a recurring theme for the past three nights. Maybe it signifies some sort of loyalty but not sure if it pertains to me or someone else.
Time to get ready for work. More tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Prophecy
I had a dream last night that Kipp got pulled over for a DUI and was busted with pot in the car..weird dream because again I got the sense there was a big dog with me on the side of the road watching the whole thing. It was a little strange too because the whole incident took place in Palouse. I could see everything around me so clearly and there was some sort of town gathering going on. Not really sure what this means but the dog is an interesting factor. Speaking of dogs my little dog Trapper is getting so old. Shes a cocker spaniel and is about 12 or 13 now. She is mostly blind and deaf spending most of her time sleeping now. Winter time gets tougher for her as she does not want to go outside at all. She pooped on the floor in my office this morning which doesn't make me really happy. I think she will make it one more year probably. Once she really starts to lose control of herself I will have to have her put to sleep. It will be weird not having her. I've been her only owner since she was 6 wks old. She's been a good dog and stuck with me thru thick and thin. I will miss her when she goes for sure.
Work is okay. Yesterday all the women on the team were crabby as hell. Me because I am in the middle of a detox and I feel like shit. The rest of them I don't know why, but it wasn't a very fun day. Kipp made dinner though and we watched the crucible afterwards which made me very angry. The stupidity of people is amazing. Mass hysteria is a powerful thing. It made me think about my own practices though and the fact that I have been pretty lax in my work lately. I need some new books. I have been studying my herb and gardening books some so I feel like I am staying on track but as far as spiritual practice, I have not done much lately. I do meditate pretty regularly though knowing that I need the stress relief. I love going into a dark room and just laying there buzzing without sleeping. I'm able to relax myself quite thouroughly now. I'm trying to work on controling my mind in a more effective manner. I'm tired of worrying myself to death over things I cannot control so I'm taking steps to counter it. Herbs are helping, not smoking is helping and eating better helps the most I think. Its a good combo and I'm feeling strong which is how I want to feel. I don't like feeling like things are just happening to me without my input.
Anyway, Just for today I am going to smile and think positive thoughts and treat people with respect and acceptance. I'm realizing that I have no answers for anyone including myself so I should just be quiet and let others work things out without my advise.......hard pill to swallow for a total knowit all...........
Work is okay. Yesterday all the women on the team were crabby as hell. Me because I am in the middle of a detox and I feel like shit. The rest of them I don't know why, but it wasn't a very fun day. Kipp made dinner though and we watched the crucible afterwards which made me very angry. The stupidity of people is amazing. Mass hysteria is a powerful thing. It made me think about my own practices though and the fact that I have been pretty lax in my work lately. I need some new books. I have been studying my herb and gardening books some so I feel like I am staying on track but as far as spiritual practice, I have not done much lately. I do meditate pretty regularly though knowing that I need the stress relief. I love going into a dark room and just laying there buzzing without sleeping. I'm able to relax myself quite thouroughly now. I'm trying to work on controling my mind in a more effective manner. I'm tired of worrying myself to death over things I cannot control so I'm taking steps to counter it. Herbs are helping, not smoking is helping and eating better helps the most I think. Its a good combo and I'm feeling strong which is how I want to feel. I don't like feeling like things are just happening to me without my input.
Anyway, Just for today I am going to smile and think positive thoughts and treat people with respect and acceptance. I'm realizing that I have no answers for anyone including myself so I should just be quiet and let others work things out without my advise.......hard pill to swallow for a total knowit all...........
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
GOaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllsssssssss
Well, I made it through Mondy without much fuss. I had to stay late at work because one of my coworkers got sick and had to leave. So, I had to stay to close up shop which basically consisted of closing out the credit card machine. Not so bad. I don't mind working out there so much now that I have accepted it more and stopped thinking of it as temporary.
I was sitting in the tub last night meditating and it suddenly occurred to me that I have never actually set a goal for myself and acheived it. Ususally if I think of one, it has to do with losing weight which I have been doing slowly without thinking about it much anyway. When I think of setting a goal I sort of feel like why bother I won't make it anyway, I never do. However, I think I am going to try again now that I have started taking my herbs to calm my brain down. They are working. I can definately feel an internal difference. My mind doesn't whirl around so fast and that inner tension that I always have is slowly melting away. It feels good enough that I am going to stay on it for a while and see what the end results are . I can also feel myself losing the need to argue and pick at Kipp all the time. I think that was a side effect of all the built up anxiety.
Here's what I am doing currently:
2 tablets of Alfalfa 2x day
1 tablet of b complex 2x day
2 capsules of fish oil 2x day
1 tablet of kelp per day
1 tablet of Vit. C per day
3 tablet of Damiana 2x per day(switched from St. John's wort)
1 tablet of L-tyrosine per day(may not need that one now)
I know it sounds like a big handful of pills but they are definately working because not only am I calmer, but I have lost 20lbs over the last six months.
I have only been taking the St John's and Damiana for a week but they are having a postitive effect too. I feel so much better!!! My hope is that they will keep working and my mind will do what I want it to instead of just flying around worrying needless and uselessly.
I can't wait til I start closing the store because I will be able to go in late enough that I can walk for 30 minutes in the morning too. That will be great. Right now its still too dark and I am taking Dan to school too. As soon as Christmas is over though I will be able to start. Actually on Monday next week cause Dan will be at his Dan's starting this weekend. I have to work Sat morning for four hours, but at least its over time. Well, better get dressed and get out the door.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Zombie
Well, its Monday morning and its cold outside still. I've been up since 6am and wishing I didn't have to go to work. I need a day to be completely alone and haven't had one in some time. I guess I will have to complain a little to get one. My son Dan is going to his Dad's for two weeks after the fifteenth so I will probably be able to make it happen then.
So, I had a dream last night that was quite involved. It had to do with some sort of invasion by zombies or people who had some sort of disease. I was trying to sneak back to the place I was staying with another person(not sure who) so that we could gather up supplies to flee the town we were in. I think it was a trailer and I couldn't find all the stuff I wanted because it was a big mess. Then out of nowhere, the biggest Rottweiler I have ever seen comes up the steps, first I am afraid and then I realize he can help protect me so I make friends with him and put him on a leash. Then a black man comes thru the front door and I know in my mind he wants to steal my mom's jewlery box. I tell him he can't have it and put the Rottweiler between us. He decides to go somewhere else and then I continue to try to get enough blankets. That seems really important and I know I cant' carry very many that easily. The person who is with me is small and can't carry much either. Then the dream switches to being at this apt in a high rise. I want to take a shower, but the bathroom is on the balconey outside. It seems really cool at first but then I realize that I will one have to crawl out around the outer railing to get in and that everyone will see me once I start showering. I feel very conflicted about this because I really want to shower but am afraid of both of these problems.
I think this dream symbolizes sorting thru my internal issues and trying to decide what to keep and what to let go of. I also think it shows that I am afraid to tackle some of my problems head on and want to let my fears stop me from getting what I want. The Rottweiler is some sort of protective symbol obviously but not sure if it is something inside myself, a god figure or someone else in my life, but in the dream I am really glad he shows up. It makes me feel more secure even though I know he is only a dog.
Anyway, got some shopping done last night and spent some time with Kellie. She is fun and I was happy to see her for a little while. I got Dan a few clothes and bought gifts for the little girls in my life. I have a few to buy for so that was fun. Everybody got cute sweatshirts this year. I now have to wrap everything up this week which is my least favorite part. I suck at it cause I have no patience, but maybe I will force myself to work harder at it this year. Well, better go to work........
So, I had a dream last night that was quite involved. It had to do with some sort of invasion by zombies or people who had some sort of disease. I was trying to sneak back to the place I was staying with another person(not sure who) so that we could gather up supplies to flee the town we were in. I think it was a trailer and I couldn't find all the stuff I wanted because it was a big mess. Then out of nowhere, the biggest Rottweiler I have ever seen comes up the steps, first I am afraid and then I realize he can help protect me so I make friends with him and put him on a leash. Then a black man comes thru the front door and I know in my mind he wants to steal my mom's jewlery box. I tell him he can't have it and put the Rottweiler between us. He decides to go somewhere else and then I continue to try to get enough blankets. That seems really important and I know I cant' carry very many that easily. The person who is with me is small and can't carry much either. Then the dream switches to being at this apt in a high rise. I want to take a shower, but the bathroom is on the balconey outside. It seems really cool at first but then I realize that I will one have to crawl out around the outer railing to get in and that everyone will see me once I start showering. I feel very conflicted about this because I really want to shower but am afraid of both of these problems.
I think this dream symbolizes sorting thru my internal issues and trying to decide what to keep and what to let go of. I also think it shows that I am afraid to tackle some of my problems head on and want to let my fears stop me from getting what I want. The Rottweiler is some sort of protective symbol obviously but not sure if it is something inside myself, a god figure or someone else in my life, but in the dream I am really glad he shows up. It makes me feel more secure even though I know he is only a dog.
Anyway, got some shopping done last night and spent some time with Kellie. She is fun and I was happy to see her for a little while. I got Dan a few clothes and bought gifts for the little girls in my life. I have a few to buy for so that was fun. Everybody got cute sweatshirts this year. I now have to wrap everything up this week which is my least favorite part. I suck at it cause I have no patience, but maybe I will force myself to work harder at it this year. Well, better go to work........
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Christmas time in the city
Well, its been a couple weeks since I have been here. Still working at the same place for the time being and feeling at peace with it finally. I spent some time feeling like it was temporary and not really appreciating the job much. Now I have realized that its important to give it my best and treat it like I would any other job no matter how I think it going to turn out. You just never know I could end up there for a few months and I want to leave knowing I did a good job. Still waiting to hear from Travelers and actually beginning to wonder if that is the right thing for me to do. I really want a job where I could work outside and use my gardening skills. I have been spending some time reading up and trying to improve my knowledge base so that I can try some new stuff in the spring. I am getting antsy for good weather already and its not even the end of Dec. I have quite a few months to wait it out. Need to channel my engery into something else I suppose.
I have been toying around with the idea of trying to write a book about my life. I know I have had plenty of experiences that would merit writing about, but not sure if I have the dedication it takes to do something of that magnitude. I will think on it for bit longer.
Went to my company dinner last night for Christmas. It was not the best one I have ever been to. My friend Cheryl was there with her kids though and they are fun. Her littlest one is a doll and I just love her to death. Cheryl is going to have another baby in about three weeks, so she will have her plate full. I've been helping her out with a little babysitting lately and I guess I am about done with that. Her boyfriend is in jail for a dui and he is getting out soon so he will take over while she finishes up with her degree. She has been going to school at night for some time now. I really admire her trying to get ahead but I have a feeling her boyfriend is not going to learn his lesson. I hope for her sake he does. She's a cool girl and deserves a happy life.
Anyway, all this has got me thinking about my own life and how I have taken for granted alot of good things that were freely given to me. I have a tendancy to think that I am owed something. That was very wrong of me and my karma is following me as well. I am trying to just accept my situation and realize that I need to make changes inside myself before I can turn it around again. I really need to figure out what is going to make me happy for work and my life in general. Giving back to others in an unselfish way is really the key to this whole thing and that has been a hard lesson to learn. I've been selfish and greedy and its time for a change. So, starting with Cheryl, I have been giving my time to her so she can focus on school and not worry about her kids at night. I started to have an attitude about it and then decided it's only unselfish if its a sacrafice and I should do it willingly not begrudgingly.
Later today, I am suppose to go shopping with Kellie and have coffee, but I haven't heard from her yet. We don't get to be together that much anymore and I miss her. She's a fun girl but actually kind of negative. I've concluded that its best to limit your exposure to those kinds of people if you want to stay postitive so its probably for the best. However, she is really fun and I miss her just for the silliness of it all. Haven't had a good pub crawl with her in sometime so I think maybe for my birthday we will hit it and see what kind of trouble we can get into.
As far as Kipp goes, I think he is over the worst of it too. He seems to be accepting his situation as well and has moved on. He's working on some house projects around here so that is nice. I like to keep things moving as we have a tendancy to get half done and then leave it for later.
We painted the living room after mudding and taping the new sheet rock but don't like the color. I want to get that finished up after the new year maybe so we have one room complete. Its about time to paint the bathroom again too and it needs new baseboards put up. Lots to do and so little money to do it with at the moment. I suppose its all relative. Summer will come and we will make money and I'll get a different job that pays more again. This time I will work my ass off to show that I appreciate what I have and it will work out. It always does and life wouldn't be very interesting if it was nothing but good times all the time.
Later on I will understand the lessons and gain from them. So, for now I wait and think and listen to the universe so I can understand what it wants from me. If I can figure out what my mission is then maybe I won't feel so restless.
I have been toying around with the idea of trying to write a book about my life. I know I have had plenty of experiences that would merit writing about, but not sure if I have the dedication it takes to do something of that magnitude. I will think on it for bit longer.
Went to my company dinner last night for Christmas. It was not the best one I have ever been to. My friend Cheryl was there with her kids though and they are fun. Her littlest one is a doll and I just love her to death. Cheryl is going to have another baby in about three weeks, so she will have her plate full. I've been helping her out with a little babysitting lately and I guess I am about done with that. Her boyfriend is in jail for a dui and he is getting out soon so he will take over while she finishes up with her degree. She has been going to school at night for some time now. I really admire her trying to get ahead but I have a feeling her boyfriend is not going to learn his lesson. I hope for her sake he does. She's a cool girl and deserves a happy life.
Anyway, all this has got me thinking about my own life and how I have taken for granted alot of good things that were freely given to me. I have a tendancy to think that I am owed something. That was very wrong of me and my karma is following me as well. I am trying to just accept my situation and realize that I need to make changes inside myself before I can turn it around again. I really need to figure out what is going to make me happy for work and my life in general. Giving back to others in an unselfish way is really the key to this whole thing and that has been a hard lesson to learn. I've been selfish and greedy and its time for a change. So, starting with Cheryl, I have been giving my time to her so she can focus on school and not worry about her kids at night. I started to have an attitude about it and then decided it's only unselfish if its a sacrafice and I should do it willingly not begrudgingly.
Later today, I am suppose to go shopping with Kellie and have coffee, but I haven't heard from her yet. We don't get to be together that much anymore and I miss her. She's a fun girl but actually kind of negative. I've concluded that its best to limit your exposure to those kinds of people if you want to stay postitive so its probably for the best. However, she is really fun and I miss her just for the silliness of it all. Haven't had a good pub crawl with her in sometime so I think maybe for my birthday we will hit it and see what kind of trouble we can get into.
As far as Kipp goes, I think he is over the worst of it too. He seems to be accepting his situation as well and has moved on. He's working on some house projects around here so that is nice. I like to keep things moving as we have a tendancy to get half done and then leave it for later.
We painted the living room after mudding and taping the new sheet rock but don't like the color. I want to get that finished up after the new year maybe so we have one room complete. Its about time to paint the bathroom again too and it needs new baseboards put up. Lots to do and so little money to do it with at the moment. I suppose its all relative. Summer will come and we will make money and I'll get a different job that pays more again. This time I will work my ass off to show that I appreciate what I have and it will work out. It always does and life wouldn't be very interesting if it was nothing but good times all the time.
Later on I will understand the lessons and gain from them. So, for now I wait and think and listen to the universe so I can understand what it wants from me. If I can figure out what my mission is then maybe I won't feel so restless.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
If I had a little money
Woke up this morning worrying about money. Never seems to go away. I am searching so much for other meaning in life. Seems like everyone is so caught up in the rat race and I know there is more to our existance here than that. It seems so monotonous at times to just be waiting for some other day when things will be better. I want to commit to making every day good because I know in my heart that's what its about. Doing the best you can with what you have and letting go of yesterday. I have a terrible time with letting go. I like to sit around a dwell on the past and feel guilty about things I didn't do instead of focusing on what I can do know this minute. It's immaturity I suppose. Crying over what can't be changed.
So, yesterday I got up and went on a long walk with my husband and our dog. Its getting pretty cold outside now. We should get snow anytime. We like getting out though. Now that I am working again its hard to get in the amount of activity I need to keep my new weight down. I have been eating like crazy too. I know I am letting my stress control me instead of managing my stress like I should. The first place I turn is to food when I get in an uncomfortable situation. At least I am recongnizing it but the harder I try the more I eat. So, today I will walk again and get in a a couple miles and then watch myself all week with the food. I am up for a different job and part of my stress is waiting for the final answer even though I am 99% sure I will get it.
Yesterday afternoon I took my son to the mall for a little shopping. He needed a coat and I wanted to get my daughter's Christmas shopping started. I got her a cute sweater and some pajamas so far. She likes that . I think I will get her some Christmas decor of her own since she is in her own place now. I really miss her and wish she would come home soon or I could go there. Its so expensive to go. Maybe after the new year Dan and I will go together. She is moving into a bigger place soon and will want me to come see it. I'm happy for her that she is finding her way and having a good time. I feel somewhat lost myself since both of them are almost grown and I didn't get to have them for so long. I hope that I get grandkids that will visit alot. I cant' wait.
So, for the rest of yesterday I cooked a huge meal for us since we went to Kipp's moms for Thanksgiving. That was pretty fun and no one yelled at anyone for a change. I guess we are all growing up. The kids we just completely crazy and loud but that's par for the course. I kind of wish there were more of them but that's the way it goes. They are fun but its good to go home without them too. Anyway, I am just feeling a little down since so many parts of my life are up in the air right now. We are in the process of getting back on track financially but it takes so long and the waiting for the job is killing me. I think I need to walk and meditate. Acceptance of where you are is key and I want to learn the lessons that are being offered. I don't believe that you go through a year like the last one for no reason. It happens because you are off course and need to reexamine what it is you are trying to accomplish. Basically why am I here and what am I contributing. At this point I have to say I don't know. I wish I did............................................................
So, yesterday I got up and went on a long walk with my husband and our dog. Its getting pretty cold outside now. We should get snow anytime. We like getting out though. Now that I am working again its hard to get in the amount of activity I need to keep my new weight down. I have been eating like crazy too. I know I am letting my stress control me instead of managing my stress like I should. The first place I turn is to food when I get in an uncomfortable situation. At least I am recongnizing it but the harder I try the more I eat. So, today I will walk again and get in a a couple miles and then watch myself all week with the food. I am up for a different job and part of my stress is waiting for the final answer even though I am 99% sure I will get it.
Yesterday afternoon I took my son to the mall for a little shopping. He needed a coat and I wanted to get my daughter's Christmas shopping started. I got her a cute sweater and some pajamas so far. She likes that . I think I will get her some Christmas decor of her own since she is in her own place now. I really miss her and wish she would come home soon or I could go there. Its so expensive to go. Maybe after the new year Dan and I will go together. She is moving into a bigger place soon and will want me to come see it. I'm happy for her that she is finding her way and having a good time. I feel somewhat lost myself since both of them are almost grown and I didn't get to have them for so long. I hope that I get grandkids that will visit alot. I cant' wait.
So, for the rest of yesterday I cooked a huge meal for us since we went to Kipp's moms for Thanksgiving. That was pretty fun and no one yelled at anyone for a change. I guess we are all growing up. The kids we just completely crazy and loud but that's par for the course. I kind of wish there were more of them but that's the way it goes. They are fun but its good to go home without them too. Anyway, I am just feeling a little down since so many parts of my life are up in the air right now. We are in the process of getting back on track financially but it takes so long and the waiting for the job is killing me. I think I need to walk and meditate. Acceptance of where you are is key and I want to learn the lessons that are being offered. I don't believe that you go through a year like the last one for no reason. It happens because you are off course and need to reexamine what it is you are trying to accomplish. Basically why am I here and what am I contributing. At this point I have to say I don't know. I wish I did............................................................
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Brave New World
Well, its been a busy couple of weeks. I haven't had much time to post anything because I started a temp job at a warehouse. I spend my day processing orders for an electronics company. Boring stuff to say the least. I run credit cards, check with banks to watch out for fraud, verify shipping addresses. Really not my bag, but it will do in a pinch. I have already put my resume in at Travelers insurance which is what I normally do. Still not too fascinating,however the money is much better. Hoping to start there by around the 15th of Dec. maybe sooner. I have to get my license back. I will be spending the first couple weeks studying for that test and then I will spend sometime getting trained to do my job. I will be working on a rewrite team so it will be less pressure to produce but a larger system to learn. I think I will like it. Alot of people I know work there still and it will be an opportunity to change to a different segment of the industry. I would like to work up to a management position eventually. Its funny how seriously people take their jobs, to the point that once they lose it, they kind of lose themselves. I strongly identify success with what kind of work I am doing. I just don't feel good if I have too much time on my hands. Being productive is what makes me feel successful. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of ADD or the like because I have a hard time motivating myself to do well after a certain length of time. I guess once the learning challenge is gone, I feel bored. Need to try hard to keep myself challenged in other areas of my life. Its definately time to start either walking to work or going back to the gym. I can't sit down all day and expect to keep the weight off. Enough about the boring stuff.
Went shopping with my friend Kellie yesterday. We had a good time. Coffee in the morning, lunch with a beer and lots of trying on clothes. Our friend Rhonda from Seattle came along too so it was a good girls day out. Haven't had one in a long time and really enjoyed digging through all the stuff at TJMAXX and The Rack. Got myself a couple items for work and a great black dress that I will most likely wear to Thanksgiving this week. Boy do I have mixed feelings about that trip. Going over the hill to Clarkston to eat with the inlaws. Not my favorite passtime. They grate on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. Plus the food will just be mediocre and that really blows. On the other hand, I won't have to make anything if I don't want to and no clean up either. I can definately enjoy that. I suppose I will just bring a bottle of wine and drink up Johnny. That will make things a tiny bit easier to endure. My sister is coming for Christmas from Hawaii this year. She is preggers and missing her family I think. Moving in with her boyfriend has been a shock to both their systems. The break will probably due them good. They really don't know each other that well so this has been a big adjustment. Anyway, I hear Kipp banging around upstairs so I better go see what's up.
Went shopping with my friend Kellie yesterday. We had a good time. Coffee in the morning, lunch with a beer and lots of trying on clothes. Our friend Rhonda from Seattle came along too so it was a good girls day out. Haven't had one in a long time and really enjoyed digging through all the stuff at TJMAXX and The Rack. Got myself a couple items for work and a great black dress that I will most likely wear to Thanksgiving this week. Boy do I have mixed feelings about that trip. Going over the hill to Clarkston to eat with the inlaws. Not my favorite passtime. They grate on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. Plus the food will just be mediocre and that really blows. On the other hand, I won't have to make anything if I don't want to and no clean up either. I can definately enjoy that. I suppose I will just bring a bottle of wine and drink up Johnny. That will make things a tiny bit easier to endure. My sister is coming for Christmas from Hawaii this year. She is preggers and missing her family I think. Moving in with her boyfriend has been a shock to both their systems. The break will probably due them good. They really don't know each other that well so this has been a big adjustment. Anyway, I hear Kipp banging around upstairs so I better go see what's up.
Brave New World
Well, its been a busy couple of weeks. I haven't had much time to post anything because I started a temp job at a warehouse. I spend my day processing orders for an electronics company. Boring stuff to say the least. I run credit cards, check with banks to watch out for fraud, verify shipping addresses. Really not my bag, but it will do in a pinch. I have already put my resume in at Travelers insurance which is what I normally do. Still not too fascinating,however the money is much better. Hoping to start there by around the 15th of Dec. maybe sooner. I have to get my license back. I will be spending the first couple weeks studying for that test and then I will spend sometime getting trained to do my job. I will be working on a rewrite team so it will be less pressure to produce but a larger system to learn. I think I will like it. Alot of people I know work there still and it will be an opportunity to change to a different segment of the industry. I would like to work up to a management position eventually. Its funny how seriously people take their jobs, to the point that once they lose it, they kind of lose themselves. I strongly identify success with what kind of work I am doing. I just don't feel good if I have too much time on my hands. Being productive is what makes me feel successful. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of ADD or the like because I have a hard time motivating myself to do well after a certain length of time. I guess once the learning challenge is gone, I feel bored. Need to try hard to keep myself challenged in other areas of my life. Its definately time to start either walking to work or going back to the gym. I can't sit down all day and expect to keep the weight off. Enough about the boring stuff.
Went shopping with my friend Kellie yesterday. We had a good time. Coffee in the morning, lunch with a beer and lots of trying on clothes. Our friend Rhonda from Seattle came along too so it was a good girls day out. Haven't had one in a long time and really enjoyed digging through all the stuff at TJMAXX and The Rack. Got myself a couple items for work and a great black dress that I will most likely wear to Thanksgiving this week. Boy do I have mixed feelings about that trip. Going over the hill to Clarkston to eat with the inlaws. Not my favorite passtime. They grate on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. Plus the food will just be mediocre and that really blows. On the other hand, I won't have to make anything if I don't want to and no clean up either. I can definately enjoy that. I suppose I will just bring a bottle of wine and drink up Johnny. That will make things a tiny bit easier to endure. My sister is coming for Christmas from Hawaii this year. She is preggers and missing her family I think. Moving in with her boyfriend has been a shock to both their systems. The break will probably due them good. They really don't know each other that well so this has been a big adjustment. Anyway, I hear Kipp banging around upstairs so I better go see what's up.
Went shopping with my friend Kellie yesterday. We had a good time. Coffee in the morning, lunch with a beer and lots of trying on clothes. Our friend Rhonda from Seattle came along too so it was a good girls day out. Haven't had one in a long time and really enjoyed digging through all the stuff at TJMAXX and The Rack. Got myself a couple items for work and a great black dress that I will most likely wear to Thanksgiving this week. Boy do I have mixed feelings about that trip. Going over the hill to Clarkston to eat with the inlaws. Not my favorite passtime. They grate on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. Plus the food will just be mediocre and that really blows. On the other hand, I won't have to make anything if I don't want to and no clean up either. I can definately enjoy that. I suppose I will just bring a bottle of wine and drink up Johnny. That will make things a tiny bit easier to endure. My sister is coming for Christmas from Hawaii this year. She is preggers and missing her family I think. Moving in with her boyfriend has been a shock to both their systems. The break will probably due them good. They really don't know each other that well so this has been a big adjustment. Anyway, I hear Kipp banging around upstairs so I better go see what's up.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Still Standing
Well, it Sunday night at 6:30pm and I am too pooped to party. Just want to power lounge for the rest of the night. I spent about 6hrs today painting a house we are trying to get finished before the rain gets too crazy. Got alot down so it was worth using the nice day to work on it. More to do tomorrow although it is suppose to be a 90% chance of rain. Lets hope for once they are wrong so I can get my payroll out close to on time. Its been a hard summer in that respect as that sucker comes around every two weeks like clock work. glad to have everyone laid off. I would rather do the work myself with just a smaller crew than have to do that every month. I think we will stay busy enough and I have a part time temp job starting next week so that will help too.
The evil twins are going in for their nut jobs tomorrow morning. Boy are they going to be pissed at me. I have to leave them there all day. Poor little guys. They have no idea what is about to transpire. I guess thats for the best. Anyway, they are starting to get really wild so I am hoping this will take the wind of out their little canoe trip.
Not much else going on. Same old humdrum just making it day to day. I feel good and glad to be putting in the time on the job. Makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. Hard to keep going when it seems like there is never any money or fun but we are getting there. I know its gonna pay off in the end and we will succeed. I'm keeping my birthday and that's that.
Tomorrow is a busy one as I have to work, pick up Dan and take him on a couple errands, be out to the valley by four to watch Deluca and Raven for the night so I won't be home until about 11pm when its all said and done. Long day long day...................................
Torn like an old....dollar bill'
Girl let them say what they will
Cause no one should hurt ya
Thats all I seem to do
That no one should desert ya
Thats all I seem to do
Gotta tell ya
Good bye Mama
We've taken this too far
Been tryin to tell ya whats going on
heyyyyyy
Screamin Trees -----Sweet Oblivion
The evil twins are going in for their nut jobs tomorrow morning. Boy are they going to be pissed at me. I have to leave them there all day. Poor little guys. They have no idea what is about to transpire. I guess thats for the best. Anyway, they are starting to get really wild so I am hoping this will take the wind of out their little canoe trip.
Not much else going on. Same old humdrum just making it day to day. I feel good and glad to be putting in the time on the job. Makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. Hard to keep going when it seems like there is never any money or fun but we are getting there. I know its gonna pay off in the end and we will succeed. I'm keeping my birthday and that's that.
Tomorrow is a busy one as I have to work, pick up Dan and take him on a couple errands, be out to the valley by four to watch Deluca and Raven for the night so I won't be home until about 11pm when its all said and done. Long day long day...................................
Torn like an old....dollar bill'
Girl let them say what they will
Cause no one should hurt ya
Thats all I seem to do
That no one should desert ya
Thats all I seem to do
Gotta tell ya
Good bye Mama
We've taken this too far
Been tryin to tell ya whats going on
heyyyyyy
Screamin Trees -----Sweet Oblivion
Monday, October 30, 2006
Just another Manic Monday
Well workday fans its another Monday in Paradise. Interviewing for a new job so had to go do the old urine sample this morning. Fortunately I have nothing to hide but man o man did I have to pee by the time they got around to calling my name. I bet that lady thought I was running a hose out in the toilet. Anyway, the job is at a local electronics company if I didn't mention that fact already. Looking forward to having something to do in the off time. UOr painting company is slowing down for the season. We are working on our last exterior of the year right now trying to get it wrapped up before the rain comes. Should go smooth but you never know for sure.
Dug up some of my bulbs to store for the winter this afternoon. Should be raking leaves right now but don't really have that much ambition given the fact its only about 38 degrees outside. Nice and sunny but brisk!
Been trying to call my Mom for the last couple days and get no answer. Odd because they never go anywhere without letting me know. I think my stepdad's Dad might have died and they are down there taking care of business. From what I understand he had quite a messy place to clean up. He's been sick for a while now and I think things kind of went to hell in a handbag the last couple years. Haven't heard anything from my Dad either. I assume he is just busy with his music. He plays around Winthrop quite often at the local bars and such. He's a pretty good singer which is where I must get it from. I'm out of practice because our PA has been broken for some time and no one has bothered to look into fixing it. I suppose I will have to get out my little tools and see if I can have a crack at it. I'm not really too handy cause I don't have to be so it might be an exercise in futility. I really want to get back into it though and would love to find a group to play with. I've always wanted to do it and I should just for the fact that I want to. I don't expect to get famous or cut an album I just think it would be alot of fun. The experience is what counts.
Thought I would include a picture of Chelsea(my daughter) in her wedding dress. Tried to put it in yesterday's post but it wouldn't load up. So here it is .............enjoy
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Nacho Libre
I just finished watching Nacho Libre with Jack Black. Very funny movie. I love him cause he is not afraid to be a true dork. Like me and most people I know. Today was cold here in Spokane and a little rainy. Winter is almost here. Not so fun. I start a new job next week working at a local electronics company. I will be working in the internet division. Back to the desk for me. I hope my ass doesn't start getting huge right off the bat. I will have to get myself up to the gym every morning before work. Desk jobs blow, but I need the benefits for my family so the sacrifice must be made. Its a temporary position right now for the holidays, but they are already looking to see where they can put me permanently. Nice to be wanted I suppose. I am aspiring to become a buyer for them so I can travel a little bit and interact with humans mostly rather than computers. I feel lucky to have found a cool place to work though. Its a small family owned company and my division is only five other people so that will be very interesting. The politics of an office are so wierd. Its like you meet these people and you work so close to them. Everyone knows everyone elses business and crap its like they become your second family and then, you quit and never see them again. Much like a divorce where you never see your inlaws again......nice nice. Anyway, my best friend Cheryl from high school works there and we haven't seen much of each other over the last 10 yrs. We have been getting to know each other again. Looking forward to working with her and spending some time together. She's cool although going through some tough times at the moment. She's got a couple kids and another on the way. She goes to school full time and has her share of man troubles. She also works 40 hours a week so her plate is overflowing. I've started helping her out with her kids one night a week so she can go to class which is fun for me and hopefully helpful to her. Makes me realize how damn lucky I am to have a good life. A fairly simple life and not very complicated in the relationship or kid department. Speaking of kids, my daughter Chelsea is moving into a bigger apt so I can finally go visit her and not have to sleep on the couch. I'm thinking of going over for a weekend pretty soon if I can swing the funds. Airfare has gone up with the price of gas of course, so by the time you pay for a ticket and have some spending cash, its a 300.00 weekend easy. I'll be glad to spend some time with her though. I don't get to do it very often as she is busy building a life for herself too. She's a hair dresser and is trying hard to establish herself in a good salon with a decent client base. Tough job. On your feet all day with not alot of profit to show for it at this point. She just graduated about a year ago so still trying to build up from scratch basically. She's okay though and has a great boyfriend. They are getting married in about a year so that will be fun for her.
Oh yeah- i had this dream last night that went like this:
First I am driving in a car down a wooded road. Pretty soon I notice I am walking and there is a younger woman walking with me carrying a baby about 6mths old. We are walking down what seems to be a one lane road that is quickly becoming covered in snow and ice. The path is getting steeper and harder to climb. Then I notice there is a road to the left and below us. We are actually walking along the top of some sort of retaining wall. Along the top of the wall there are black electrical wires with glass insulators that run out to the left to other wires. I look down over the side and see a small white hatchback car that is kind of wrecked. I know it belongs to the woman. Suddenly, she sets the baby down on the retaining wall with its feet dangling over the side. She climbs down to look at the car and leaves the baby. I am afraid it will fall so I grab its arm but it afraid of me so it throws its self over the side. It falls down between the wires and I am holding it by the arm and I can feel it slip out of the socket. Then I wake up. Not sure what this means....maybe I am feeling like I need to let go of things that served me better in my youth in order to make my path and journey easier. But what does the woman and the wrecked car mean???? Who is she? Is it a younger version of myself who has made a mess of things and is leaving behind responsibilities??? Not sure. I will have to think on it some more.
Oh yeah- i had this dream last night that went like this:
First I am driving in a car down a wooded road. Pretty soon I notice I am walking and there is a younger woman walking with me carrying a baby about 6mths old. We are walking down what seems to be a one lane road that is quickly becoming covered in snow and ice. The path is getting steeper and harder to climb. Then I notice there is a road to the left and below us. We are actually walking along the top of some sort of retaining wall. Along the top of the wall there are black electrical wires with glass insulators that run out to the left to other wires. I look down over the side and see a small white hatchback car that is kind of wrecked. I know it belongs to the woman. Suddenly, she sets the baby down on the retaining wall with its feet dangling over the side. She climbs down to look at the car and leaves the baby. I am afraid it will fall so I grab its arm but it afraid of me so it throws its self over the side. It falls down between the wires and I am holding it by the arm and I can feel it slip out of the socket. Then I wake up. Not sure what this means....maybe I am feeling like I need to let go of things that served me better in my youth in order to make my path and journey easier. But what does the woman and the wrecked car mean???? Who is she? Is it a younger version of myself who has made a mess of things and is leaving behind responsibilities??? Not sure. I will have to think on it some more.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Copy Cat
Imagine you’re riding the subway in New York City. Next to you is a woman writing in her journal. You notice that she’s crying. Feeling nosy, you look to see what she’s written and read this: “I fear someone will discover the body soon.” Despite the risk, you keep reading. How does the journal entry begin and end?
I saw this on another blog spot. Cool Idea. I think I will work on writing this little short story soon. I need to exercise my brain more than I do. Thanks to Jill Terry for the idea
I saw this on another blog spot. Cool Idea. I think I will work on writing this little short story soon. I need to exercise my brain more than I do. Thanks to Jill Terry for the idea
Baby it's cold outside
This is a very strange planter that my Mom has in her yard. Couldn't resist photographing it.
The Evil Miss Betty in white and her sidekick Rev. Maynard J. Krebs. My evil wonder twins. Form of Chaos!!
This is my new motto. I have not been living life to the fullest up til now and as part of my recovery I am adopting a new attitude. LIVE THE VIDA LOCA as ricky Martin says......I'm a dork I know.
Today has been a busy one for me. My husband Kipp and I run a paint contracting business and its almost quarterly tax time. UGGG! Taxes bite! I have also been watching a friend's little girl . Her name is Ava aka Gabby goat. She is four and never stops talking!!! I have to hide in my office from her sometimes to get a minute of silence. Anyway, we spent the morning running errands and then we took Kipp and his worker some lunch. Its turning cold here but we are still working outside at this point. One last exterior and then its inside for us. We've been doing this for about 8yrs now. Its not a bad way to make a living. Kipp snowmobiles in the winter so he is glad to have the time off although ususally if we have time we have no money. The univeral rule of thumb I guess. The down time gives me the opportunity to work on my own stuff more. I have been reading the Spiral Dance by Starhawke. She is a very complex writer but I love her ideas. I'm trying to learn to take my place in the universe and accept my role in the world more fully. Which involves breaking out of my shell more and trying new things. I am a hermit by nature and it is easy to slip into isolation mode. At any rate here are a few pics I have taken recently.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Spin Cycle
Hey I forgot to mention that I have lost almost 20 of those 40 ugly pounds. I started taking a big handful of vitamins and supplements every morning and night. Presto it fell off by itself. I haven't even started working out at all. I take vit. b vit. e, vit c, Dong Qui, Red Clover, Maitake mushrooms, ginseng and alfalfa twice a day. Works like a charm. Actually started taking it for PMS and this was an unexpected side effect. Cool Deal!!!!!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Rainy Day Woman
Its Oct 15th. Exactly 16 days until Oct 31st which has always been a favorite holiday of mine. I love to see the kiddies all dressed up in thier little outfits. Also this year is more important because it is my first Samhain or witches new year. I'm studying to become a wiccan for lack of a better term. I hate the word witch because of the negative connotations but I guess in reality that is what I have always been. I just never knew there was a name for it or how to develope it. Most people don't really know about it or is it accepted in our world as a real religion or faith. I just has to do with living in harmony with the world around you and taking your place in it. That's the simplest way to describe it. There is not alot of guidance out there so you kind of have to feel your way along on your own. It fun and its also hard because there is alot of internal work to do before you do anything else. Its not about casting spells or controlling people or situations. Its about accepting yourself where you are and trying to grow to your full potential using the power of your mind. The mind can be a damn hard opponent to over come. We are all creatures of habit and bad old habits are difficult to let go of. If you can't let go you can't grab onto anything new. There in lies the difficulty. Master your mind and the world is yours.....................let it master you and the world will run you down.......and down and down and down.......I am happy I am happy I am happy I am happy...........You are what you tell yourself all day long................I am happy I am happy I am happy.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The Warrior Returns Part 1
Well, its been a good long time since I looked at this site. Its been three months now since I lost my baby. I'm doing okay. For sure this has been the single most painful thing I have ever endured or hope to, but I'm feeling tough again and moving forward. The grief still catches me by surprise sometimes, stabbing me at the most awful times. Like when I am standing in line at the grocery store looking at a baby in the cart in front of me. Or when I let myself imagine where I might be in the pregnancy now. Or when I realize this particular soul is never making it across. I hope and pray that its found its way without me and that's the best I can #$%*& do! The whole situation has left both of us pretty beat up and our relationship is looking pretty tattered right now. Somehow we are piecing it back together. It feels like we are coming back stronger than ever. I don't like to make any assumptions though. Just taking it day by day and enjoying every little thing I can. One thing I have really taken from this experience is the ability to accept my body for what it is without criticism. I have been though a frickin lot in my 37yrs and no one get through without scars. !!@# it, I am proud of them and if someone else doesn't then look away, look away.................. Later Dudes
Monday, June 05, 2006
The recovery effort
Well, it's been over a month now. I guess I am over the worst of it. At least I am not sitting around crying and feeling depressed all the time. Times they are a changin around here. Kipp and I have been through alot of bullshit in the last 4 weeks but we are really trying to iron it out. It's not easy trying to examine your whole relationship and figure out where its wrong. Actually implementing the changes is a whole other ball of wax and even harder. You think, okay I can change that, so you do for a week or so, then you forget about it and go back to your same old self and never even realize you are doing it. Tough love baby tough love. I hate it but I know I need to do it. You can't grow if you don't acknowledge the short comings. Anyway, business is good. We are up and running and employing six people. The bills are paid for the moment and we have food on the table and a roof over our heads so its good.
We went on a really scenic hike this weekend over in Idaho. We drove to Worley and found a hike that is about 4 miles up some cliffs and then looks out over the lake there. Very gorgeous. When you are at the top you could see the entire lay out of the lake with every cove and inlet visible Since Kipp grew up there, he was feeling especially nostalgic and had a good time telling me all about it. Boring stuff for the most part, but hey, that's my life.
We went on a really scenic hike this weekend over in Idaho. We drove to Worley and found a hike that is about 4 miles up some cliffs and then looks out over the lake there. Very gorgeous. When you are at the top you could see the entire lay out of the lake with every cove and inlet visible Since Kipp grew up there, he was feeling especially nostalgic and had a good time telling me all about it. Boring stuff for the most part, but hey, that's my life.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Aftermath
Its been 8 days now and I can't even begin to descripe all the emotions I have gone thru. At first it was kind of surreal. Then a couple days after I got a terrible bladder infection so I was really sick. Now I just feel like I am totally falling apart. I know it's so melodramatic and I should try to pull my self together. Its so hard. I don't know how to get over something like this. Everyday I wake up and I'm either pissed or just so gutwrenchingly sad that I just want to die. I know it will get better but the getting there is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I would feel better if someone would just beat the crap out of me or something. In the back of my mind I feel like I should be punished for losing a child. I used to dream that I had a baby and then forgot where I left it. This is so much worse than that feeling of dread. I feel like I did something wrong, really really wrong. The guilt is a surprise actually. I knew I would feel sad if something happened but I don't understand why I feel so damn guilty. I just want this to be over and I'm not sure it ever will be. It was such a one in a million shot anyway, I can't help but feel it was our only chance. I hope. I hope, I hope I am wrong but right now it is not easy to see that I probably am. I never knew a person could literally have a broken heart. I do now.......
Friday, May 05, 2006
Misplaced Youth
Five days ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 wks pregnant with a baby that completely took me by surprise. My husband Kipp and I had tried for 8yrs to have a kid and nothing ever happened. Then boom..I loose my job, insurance and steady source of income. Now I'm pregnant! Of course. But still happy about the event for sure. We had just assumed that it was never going to happen so it really didn't even cross our mind that it could be true. I took three pregnancy tests the day we found out because we were so shocked. I just sat there on the john looking at that stick like the information was misfiring in my head. It took a few days to sink in. At first we said we weren't going to tell anyone, but we were just so damn happy we couldn't keep it in. So after a day or so we broke down and told every frickin person we knew like total idiots. You can see where the story goes easily enough. So fast forward to this moment now when I'm sitting at my computer with an empty belly and it is the most confusing feeling I've ever had. All that pain and nothing at the end. The dissappointment is crushing........ that's all I got............
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Just a quickie
Well, it has been raining in sunny Spokane for a few weeks now. I am heartily sick of it and find myself longing for Vegas, Mexico, Arizona, Texas.........any place warm. My body is literally craving the sun like a junkie craves crack!! God what I wouldn't give for three days in Vegas by the pool with a drink in my hand. Of course the drink has to go by the way side now due to the impending Bambino. 8 Weeks and counting. Only 30 or so more to go. Still feel fine. No weight gain, not sick. Just impatient. Anyway. Thats it for now.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Full Circle
I have recently come to the conclusion that unbeknownst to me my mother has moved into my house. I don't know how this happened or when, but I keep hearing her voice come out of my mouth as in I am starting to say all the dumb things she said when Iwas a kid. How does this happen? As a teenager, you swear you will never be like her and then one day Wham! Something flies out of your mouth and you're like " who the hell was that?" Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom but she is the kind of person who bases her life on fear and what if's. I call it future trippin and now that I am pregnant again I find myself indulging in it alot. " What if Kipp keeps drinking beer until he's an alcoholic? What if we don't have enough money. What if our business fails. I am getting hardily tired of hearing that voice of doom all the time. So, I have tried to start meditating again and focus on my spirituality more. After all, that's what Wicca is all about and I feel quite strongly that is the path for me. I know I can change this if I focus some attention on it so that's my goal this week. Fifteen minutes of meditation a day with candles and incense to guide me. Let go of the negative, drink in the postive and TRUST TRUST TRUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Expect the Unexpected
Well, the title of this post says it all. Last week I found out I am six weeks pregnant. I'm 37yrs old, unemployed and broke. Isn't that always the way.. So, it has been an interesting time around the old McDonald farm. Tension has been running high over finances etc... but we have kind of settled down now and are making a plan. It's really quite exciting but mind boggling as well. We tried to have a baby for about 9yrs with no results. No doctor could figure out why and we finally gave up. I had a tummy tuck last year and now of course blammo!! What the FU%%%%%? God has a HUGE sense of humor. So anyway, we are getting used to the idea. I am really hoping for a girl. I would love to have one more daughter as I have one from a previous marriage who is 20yrs old and a son who's 17yrs old. I am trying to just relish every moment and enjoy this unexpected gift and complication with an open mind and heart. Hard to do but I am doing my best.
On to other topics, my workouts are steady and my diet has come to a halt now. Still walking a ton though which is good for the kiddo. My garden is starting to come up and the weather here is slowly warming. I feel like I am dying for heat. The cold has become tiresome and I'm ready for the sunshine. By August we'll all be complaining its too much but for now Come on HEAT!!
We have decided to sell our pickup to reduce some of our monthly expenses. Kipp is kind of bummed but it was his choice so I think he will feel good about it later. We still have our Durango which is totally plush. Nice to have such a sweet ride! This photo is my friend Curt who worked with me at my last job. He's a hoot. I love him to death and really miss seeing him and his weirdness every day. Hes a cool dude. The guy on the left is my crazy husband riding his snowmobile in Idaho. He does deep snow hill climb riding. This is a Skidoo summit 700 that he bought last fall which is his most prized possesion.
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