Aftermath

Its been 8 days now and I can't even begin to descripe all the emotions I have gone thru. At first it was kind of surreal. Then a couple days after I got a terrible bladder infection so I was really sick. Now I just feel like I am totally falling apart. I know it's so melodramatic and I should try to pull my self together. Its so hard. I don't know how to get over something like this. Everyday I wake up and I'm either pissed or just so gutwrenchingly sad that I just want to die. I know it will get better but the getting there is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I would feel better if someone would just beat the crap out of me or something. In the back of my mind I feel like I should be punished for losing a child. I used to dream that I had a baby and then forgot where I left it. This is so much worse than that feeling of dread. I feel like I did something wrong, really really wrong. The guilt is a surprise actually. I knew I would feel sad if something happened but I don't understand why I feel so damn guilty. I just want this to be over and I'm not sure it ever will be. It was such a one in a million shot anyway, I can't help but feel it was our only chance. I hope. I hope, I hope I am wrong but right now it is not easy to see that I probably am. I never knew a person could literally have a broken heart. I do now.......