The return of the good witch

Well, its been some time since I last posted. Not a ton has changed since I was last here. I went to Seattle to visit my daughter Chelsea last weekend. We took my niece Justice with us. It was pretty fun. Went downtown on the bus and did some shopping. Drank a few beers with Barry and ate some good food. Dan went and visited his friends too. He just found out yesterday that for sure he is Caiden's Dad. I think he was a little surprised, but overall I think he knew. So, now we set him up with visits and payments for the next 18yrs. Poor guy. Saddled himself with a little one way too early. On the upside, I'ma Gramma now and hopefully I will get to see him soon. He's going on 7mths now so we have missed quite a bit already. Kind of sad but what can you do. The kids mom hasn't been very cooperative, that's for sure. Other things happening in my life are work is good. I just had a minor review with my manager who says I am doing great so that's cool. I am just trying to do really well so I can get a raise. Eventually I will want a different position, but for now I will settle for more money. My friend Colin contacted me yesterday and wanted me to do this spiritual survey with him. Its like a way for him to evaluate where a peson is on their spiritual path and how they might develope it further I suppose. Its all Christian based which is fine with me because there is a good foundation there when you peel away all the crap the world has added to it. I've bee reading some Taoism lately and I like the ideas they have. One I am reading now is based on the idea that you have the power to change your destiny by the thoughts you allow to control your life. If you change the thought energy you can afford many positive changes. I like to think I can control my own outcomes to a certain degree. By connecting to the divine in this way you let your desires be known and put out the vibrations into the world to come back to you when you are open enough to recieve them. I feel strongly that tapping into the positive energy flow is what keeps you focused and open to new realities. Believeing that you deserve this alternate reality is the challenging part. Learning that you are a valuable piece of the puzzle is one of the toughest obstacles to success that you must overcome. I'm not talking about financial success or success in the work place. I am talking about success as a human being. To lead a happy successful life, you must know yourself and trust in something bigger than yourself to open your eyes to the truth in the world around you. You can accomplish this thru many different meditations and rituals but they must be practiced with regularity and faithfulness. Opening yourself up to possiblitites greater than your regular perception of the world is what makes it work.


Meditation for postive energy:

Sit in a chair with your feet on the floor and your palms resting lightly on your thighs. Close your eyes and breathe in deeply through your nose exhaling thru your mouth in a slow controled manner. At the same time imagine your spine lengthening and shooting roots down toward the floor. Really focus on feeling grounded to this spot through your tail bone. As your body begins to relaxz, focus more and more on your breathing. As you breathe in imagine a small white globe in front of you that is getting bigger and brighter with each breath. Now imagine it floating over you and all of a sudden it breaks over your head and all that pure white light washes over you filling you with joy, peace and a strong positive energy. As it washes over you imagine that all the negative energy you are harboring is displaced and slides right off in the path of the white light. Slowly, return you breathing to normal, place your palms on the seat next to you and focus on letting the last of the negative energy run off your fingertips. Spend a couple minutes letting your mind return to the present. ITs important to make sure you return slowly or you may feel slightly sick. Give thanks and continue with your day. Do this meditation once a day for 13 days in a row. That's all for now.

Camp out in North Idaho

Went camping in North Idaho this past weekend. We stayed up above Kingston at mile marker 36. The spot was great with a creek running through it and a river on the other side of the road that you could walk down to. The creek was really rocky and full of log jams so it was alot of fun to climb around on and explore. We got up there early on Friday morning. We originally went up higher around mile marker 45 but the bugs were so thick up that high that we came back down to the spot where we stayed. Turned out to be a good idea because there were no bugs at all and the site was great. The only downfall was no fires due to the extremely dry conditions out there. So, before we went back down to the site we stayed at, we let the dogs swim in the river for a while. Lo and behold, Jake is a huge fan of swimming. He needed no encouragement to just jump right in and swim a few laps. One time he almost swam all the way across the river before turning around to come back. He was so tired by the time we got home yesterday. I think we finally wore him out. He was so good about staying with us the whole time though and never really wandering away very far. What a good dog he is! Anyway, the second day we hiked up to these waterfalls that we had to drive to first. They were about five miles away and then you hiked in about half a mile. The falls were gorgeous. The kind that come from way up high in the forest. The rocks they came over were huge and made of some kind of sediment rock that was all in alot of layers. Slate or something like that I think. Anyway, everything was totally mossy and green and wet. Beautiful. There were two of them. One on top of the other so you could go to the top one and look down over the other one. Very peaceful in there too. We went up fairly early so no one else was really around. The dogs had a great time again just climbing around and having a good sniff over everything. Kipp seemed to have a good time too and relaxed alot. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to stop smoking. The way I feel in the morning lately is not pleasant and I get the distinct feeling it is holding me back physically alot. Mentally it is making me sluggish and I am just tired of myself so I am going to try. If nothing else cutting back to just a social thing will help.Well, its about time to get ready for work so I will sign off for now.

A Strange Dream

I have been hanging out at work with this guy named Jeff and a girl named Jennie. They are both pretty cool. I like them alot. Jeff is in a band, he's the singer and Jennie is also very musical. They both fit my personality pretty well as far as strangers go. Its hard to know people for sure when you only see their work face. One things for sure, they both like to have a good time. Jeff in particular likes to drink alot. I found out yesterday that he has been dating a co-worker in secret for some time now and that was kind of shocking. I am not paying attention, cause now that I know it makes perfect sense. Anyway, not sure how I feel about it. A little jealous, a little surprised and a little dissappointed in the match up. Not even my business at all, but I still have these feelings. So, last night Ihad a dream that we were having a party and I felt too drunk so I went up to my room and laid on my bed. A few minutes later, Jeff comes in and lays on the bed with me and we are talking and laughing and I feel okay with it even though I know Kipp is downstairs and its late. So, I just about to drift off to sleep when I realize he wants to kiss me so I do and it is very dissappointing. Like kissing a junior high boy who has never done it before. So, then I'm like Huh, well now I know. I think it means that I am getting to be a better judge of character but still want to find out things for myself sometimes. I think it also means I should not take Kipp for granted and maybe should start treating him a little better in the romance dept. Anyway, time for worky. more later.

Is it Friday Yet?

Have you ever just wanted towalk away from your life and never look back? I've been feeling that way a little lately. Seems like even though things are mostly on track, I have this feeling in the back of my mind that a storm is going to hit any time. I don't know why but I have been thinking lately alot about what my life would be like if I had made different choices. Like ones that involved trusing myself more and everyone else less. I suppose I am right where I am meant to be at this point but occassionally I have a hard time accepting that my life is what it is and its the only one I have. Just as an example, I went out yesterday and spent about 90.00 on some clothes for work. Not a tremendous amount of money and I got two shirts and three summer skirts. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but somehow I do. I started thinking almost immediately that I didn't deserve them, that I didn't really need them ect...I was worried Kipp would be mad at me for spending the money and I agonized over it all afternoon. I hate that. I should be able to spend 100.00 on myself occasionally without ever feeling bad. I've been working really hard at my job and I'm excelling. I deserve a little treat for all that. It's not an easy job to do and sometimes its not all that fun either so if some new clothes make me happy I shoud be okay with it. Anyway, this is just one of many things I waste time feeling guilty about and I'm tired of it. I'm not excessive, I'm responsible. I deserve nice things and its okay to have them once in a while. So, I will wear the new skirt and smile while I do it knowing I worked hard these last four months to get where I am. Next time I meet a goal I will do the same.

Isi t Friday yet?

Thursday morning...I've been up for an hour and still feel sleepy. Having a hard time getting started this morning. I just want to stay home and put around the yard today. That's not going to happen though. Got to go working today. Jobs still good not much to report there. Had lunch with Jeff yesterday at a little place in Spokane called O Dougherty's bar and grill. Nice atmospere. Suppose to be like an Irish pub but the food was just so so. Nothing to write home about. ONe thing I will say about my job is it is putting my personality to the test. I spend all day talking to customers who sometimes are not very nice. Yesterday I had a woman who was really pushing my buttons just because she figured out she could. I don't care for that so my new focus is going to be on tatics to divert this kind of reaction in myself. I plan to go far with this job so I need to learn to not let people get under my skin.
Its the Summer Solstice today. Longest day of the year. I don't have any great plans except to sit on the balconey tonight and enjoy it. Maybe I will have a beer after work or something too but as far as anything else I am planning to wing it. I like to sit on the balconey and meditate while its dark out. Its so pleasant up there and you feel like no one can see you. TImes like that make me wish I still smoked. Nothing like just sitting in the cool darkness just listening to the night sounds. The dog likes it too. He goes out there during the night to check out any noises or anything he senses. Makes me feel pretty protected. He's a loyal guy.
Well, time for this working stiff to hit the shower. Then comes the never ending question of what to wear to work. I am so sick of my clothes right now. I feel like I have nothing to wear all the time and its not true. However I could use a few summer items in my wardrobe so I think I will try to remedy that this weekend. Go to Target or something on Saturday with Dan. He's been bugging me to take him out there.

GirlsGirls Girls

So last Friday night I went out with some friends from work. We all went down to this bar near the office and proceded to have a good time. Some of my other friends showed up(yes I have more than one set) and met my work friends. It went pretty well considering. I had about 5-6 beers which is enough to get me blasted. At this point I decided I'd better go home before I can no longer get there. So, I get to work yesterday and Jennie is just all atwitter to tell me what happened later. Turns out that two of the girls in our training class ended up making out with each other and then one of them made out with this guy from the office too. She is engaged and her fiance was there earlier. I guess he went home without her before all this happened. I was pretty shocked to tell the truth. I mean who does that? Now its getting around the office and they don't really even seem embarassed. I would be mortified. I don't think I would ever get that drunk before I started throwing up anyway. Long story short though I won't be hanging with that crowd anymore. It was kind of our last fling cause training is over now and we are settling down to the work. I'm starting to realize just how complicated this job really is. I got a few billing calls yesterday that I really struggled with. Its tough to go back through an account and figure out why we are billing what we are billing. Plus people don't understand it either so they get frustrated and upset about it. I suppose as time goes on I will get better at it. It just takes practice.
My personal life is getting a little better. Kipp seems to be feeling a little more on lately. I guess just leaving him to his own devices has helped. I've tried hard to pull back from him and not let his moods effect mine. Its not that easy to do because its in my nature to try and help. I need to realize that interfering with his path is not the right thing to do.
For my own self, I've been having more of a hard time doing the things I know I should like eating right and exercising regularly. These are two repeating patterns in my life that I get hardily sick of thinking about. I wish I could just discipline my self to do them every day. I do fine during the day, its at night when I am just hanging out that I tend to over do it. Maybe I need to have night time activities planned for myself so I don't do it. I don't know. Sometimes I just think fuck it, I want to eat what I want to eat. However, I know I can do better if I just place some effort into it and then I wouldn't crave all the crap. Its like I can only place my attention on one or two things at a time and thats it. Anyway, I need to get going and take the dog out for a walk. More later

Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day and I forgot all about it until this morning. God my Dad was just here yesterday and I didn't even mention it. So, I am burning him some CDs and sending them in the mail. We had graduation party for Dan yesterday. Thats why my Dad was here. He came out for lunch along with some friends and family. A bunch of Dan's friends showed up too so it was a full house . I think everyone had a good time. We had alot of food and cake left over which I can't seem to stay away from. I am totally PMSing so I can't stop eating for the next four days or I will literally go up in flames. I get quite the appetite around this time of month. It doesn't help that there was a full moon on Friday so I felt extra wacky from that too. Oh well, I gotta be me. Not much to report, just writing to keep it up and get some stuff out of my brain. We actually got some chores done around here today. One of our poor dogs had lice and we didn't know it cause she needed a hair cut pretty bad . I spent my morning dealing with that and then the subsequent clean up. That was the better part of two hours. Then we cleaned a little and moved some furniture around. I did get a two hour nap in around three which was heavenly. I rarely take a nap as I think sleeping in the day time is wasting what little free time I have but it felt good! I think I can manage to make it through another Monday if I don't stay up too late. So now I am just finishing with burning these CD's. I hope to get a couple more loads of laundry done so I have some clothes to wear tomorrow. More exciting adventures on the next episode of Wiiittcchh innnn theeee Ciiiiitttttyyyyyy.........................

Things I think about on the john

I think about shoes on the john. I like to look at them in magazines while I'm sitting there. I think about where I can come up with some cash to buy them. I think about all the outfits they might go with and where I will wear them. I think about how much they'll hurt my feet, the blisters that will rise. I think about how I will be secretly happy inside when someone says they like them. I think about what I'm going to pack in my lunch and how I need to send the mortgage payment in. I think about the 10.00 late fee I'm going to have to pay for doing it over the phone. I'll think about how I'm not going to let that happen again. I'll think about how it will. I think about the girls I work with and wonder if someone will have a cuter outfit than me. I think about my friend Jennie who sports this gorgeous red hair. I think about my cats and why they insist on drinking out of the bathtub faucet when there is a bowl on the floor next to the tub. I think about whether my 18 yr. old son made it home last night and whether I should go check on him or not. Does this make me totally nuerotic? Yes for sure. This is how fast my thoughts run most of the time. Its very hard for me to shut down the voices in my head, but I'm learning which ones to tune out. That is what being a witch is about. Sorting through the shouting to the quiet one in the center who makes perfect sense . That voice is God whatever form he/she takes. This is what I think about on the john.

Thursday morning wake up call

This is my friend Jennie's son Skyler who is a total doll as you can tell from this picture.

Just wanted to jot down a couple things before I run off to work. I've spent my morning so far writing up bills for customers and balancing the checking acct. Fun stuff. I got my desk at work finally yesterday. That was fabulous. I know it sounds silly, but I have been working in very small space for about three months now. We are done with training for the most part so they assigned us our spots after a very long wait. I like where I sit, its near the windows. I will probably freeze during the winter. I will have to bring a blanket in. Work is going well otherwise. I'm getting the hang of it and learning where to look for stuff. It takes time, but I think in a few more months I will feel very strong about it.

I just read this great book called Girlbomb by JaniceErlbaum. Its about a young girl growing up in New York City during the 80's. She runsaway from home to live in a shelter because her stepdad is very abusive. The story chronicles her time there and what follows after until she's about 19yrs old. Very interesting story full of sex, drugs and rock and roll. She's not a particularly nice girl but seems to get it together in the end. I love stories like this that are so real to life. I mean most people don't just go to high school, attend prom and go off to college unscaythed. If you do, you're pretty lucky. Anyway, its definately worth the read.
Kipp is having some trouble again with his depression. It seems to be taking over alot lately. He had a better day yesterday but for the past couple weeks he's been low down. I finally had to say something cause it was driving me crazy. I want him to seek some counseling of some sort with a professional who knows how to manage depression better than a family doctor would. He said he would so I will wait and see. It feels like his illness is taking over our life right now. I have had to distance myself from it somewhat so that I don't get sucked in. Been trying to spend a little more time on my own doing the things I like to do. Usually I get caught up in holding his hand trying to comfort him or make a difference. I've kind of decided thats an enabling behavior on my part and I need to stop doing it. So, there it is once again.

Jennie is coming by with Skyler tonight. We are going to eat and drink a couple beers, maybe watch a movie or something. It was suppose to be a few of us, but we are having a party after work tomorrow for our graduation so most people wanted to hold out for that. Thats okay with me cause I have a party here on Sat. for Dan's graduation too.. God I need to figure out what kind of food to have. Not sure exactly how many people are coming but I need to feed them when they get here. I'm too busy right now. I am going to have to stay up cleaning on Friday night to make sure I'm ready since I will have to go to Costco on Sat. morning. Anyway, got to run off and get ready to go now. Later

Workin for the Weekend

Well, here it is only Monday and I'm already wondering how long till the weekend. I haven't even been to work yet! I could really use a couple days home alone. I don't forsee that happening any time soon. We spent the weekend doing errands on Sat. then went to Jenni's for a little dinner. Sunday I got up, went grocery shopping, came home, cooked, went to Dan's graduation, cleaned up, visited my parents and basically went to bed without doing a single load of laundry for the work week. I am screwed pretty much for getting dressed this morning.

The other good news is my sister had her baby finally and surprise surprise, it was a girl. They were expecting a boy the whole time so we were all really taken back. Her name is Sofina. She's half Samoan with black hair and a good size nose. She will most likely grow into it in a few months. I have to say I'm a little jealous of my sister for getting her. I still think I would like another baby. Its not too late, but I worry that another miscarriage might happen.Its not too likely, but the thought is always there. So, other than that, it was an uneventful weekend. I am having some girls over this week on Thursday night for a full moon fever party. The moon will be full on the fifteenth so its close to time. I am planning on doing a scrap book for my son too so I am going to start working on that soon. Need to send Sofina a couple little hats too. Anyway, that s about it for my exciting life. Its been kind of boring lately. I spend too much time just hanging out with Kipp and not doing my own thing. I need to find a group who is interested in doing some funner things with out benefit of any men on the scene. Last week of training too so I have a couple things to celebrate right now. Fun Fun Fun. More later. Heres a pic of the baby.

Day 2

Well, I did pretty good yesterday with a couple exceptions. I did have a thai chicken burrito for lunch and then Kipp brought me a shrimp pizza for dinner. However, it was very small so that was probably ok. I went and got all my vitamins refilled. I took a big dose yesterday morning and afternoon. I felt good most of the day. Didn't really exercise enough, but I am trying to add stuff a little at a time rather than make a bunch of big changes immediately that I can't stick to.

So, heres somemore stats on where I am:

Weight 180lbs
General physical condition -fair
General mental condition-medium
Some physical conditions:
weak left eye
belly bloat especially at the end of the day
achy feet and upper back
weak core muscles
pms and other menstrual problems
permanent pain in left rotator cusp on shoulder
Generally tired with low energy at night
Skin and hair- not looking the best

So, in other news, Amber still has not had her baby. We are waiting to hear from her. It should be any day now. He is being stubborn about coming out:) Work is going well. We are about one week out from being done with training and on the phones permanently. Won't get our desks until the 18th or so. Kipps work is going good too. He has about 4-5 houses lined up now. I think he could be doing a little better but this is good by comparison to last year so I won't complain. Maybe one of these days we can buy a different business for him that doesn't require so much physical work. I think he would like a coffee stand but who knows, I know I would. We are saving money for him to buy a new snowmobile. Once he gets that purchased, I am going to start saving for a trip somewhere. Not sure where yet, but I want to travel next year someplace warm and tropical. Maybe Mexico, but I am also toying around with Europe. We'll just have to see how it goes.

One last thing, I am practicing meditating without the aide of anything but my mind. That is extremely hard. Here's what I do. I try to visualize an object in my mind until I can see it completely clearly. That is much harder than you think. Especially to not get distracted. Anyway, time to work. More later.

New Day New Way

Well, it Monday morning all. Time to get back to the grind. I've decided to do a two week cleanse beginning today. My plan is to try to only eat real food, exercise, eliminate alcohol and any other fun stuff, exercise once per day and see how I feel. Heres how I feel now

1. Tired all the time
2. I have a very heavy feeling in my midsection all the time
3. My mind feels sludgy and thick.
4. My concentration levels are low.
5. I feel old and I have a lot of aches and pains for no reason.

I am beginnning this experiment to see just how sharp I can make myself. I've done it before and after about three days you really start to feel great if you do it right. I just need to be vigilant about my food. That is my biggest downfall is letting my mind control what and when I eat.
I was watching Criss Angel Mindfreak last night which I never have before. His deal is that he practices mind control and conditions his body to the best of his ability. Exercise, good food and concentration exercises to hone its sharpness and control his feelings. He claims he has trained himself to ignore pain and thats why he can do so many crazy things. I believe this is possible and want to try some of this myself. Not crazy stunts but just learning to control my mind rather than letting it control me. I think that is a big part of learning to live a wiccan lifestyle too. I have let my body take over and control how I'm going to eat and I am a little tired of that.
Plus I realize I am having a hard time facing up to the fact that I can be successful and its okay. I am eating out of control because I am letting that fear control me. Its time to change. Need some books. This means I have to pay my library fines! I will document my progress here and see how it turns out. More later..time to hit the shower and get ready for the day.

ART

Saturday morning

Its Saturday morning and I've been up since 5:30am. I can never sleep in on the weekends. I guess that's okay cause I don't like to waste my free time sleeping. I save that for weeknights. It seemed like a pretty long week. We were on the phones for the first two and then back in the class room for the last two. Nobody could get into the groove of being back inside:) Its too hard to concentrate when its so nice outside. No one wants to work..including me. I found out where I am going to sit. Its close to a window and Nikki will be close to me. I'm happy about that because I don't know anyone on this team. She has turned out to be pretty funny. I thought she was going to drive me crazy cause she's kind of a bubble head but it has turned out okay. She tells me all her drama about her boyfriends and it makes me laugh.

Went to Jennies the other night for a couple of beers and dinner. Her back deck is in the sun until it gets dark pretty much so that was wonderful to just sit and be warm with a cold beer in hand. She's turned out pretty cool too. I wish she had a little more confidence about herself but I guess when I was her age I was sort of insecure too. I will hopefully post some pics of these people soon so I can remember them when I'm old. I have a feeling I will need photos to jog my memory the way I am going now. So, tomorrow I am suppose to go over there and help her stain her deck. Today I am going to do yardwork and laundry. I need to get to Wally world for some small fencing. Jake is killing all my veggies. He keeps running over the top of them. I noticed last night that I am actually getting some raspberries on the bushes this year. I can't believe it. Plus they are putting up suckers so I should have twice as many next year. Yippee!

Okay, new album for people to check out. Hank Williams the third Straight out of Hell. Catchy title dont you think? Its good...good....good. Very blue grass hill billy sounding on most of it.Funny lyrics combined with great fiddle and steele guitar work. Haven't had an opportunity to read much lately. Too nice outside but I am considering taking a book out in the backyard later today to work on my tan. Anyway, that's it for now. Not much else to report. My life is boring ......my card is declined. Thats all folks

Billing final finale'

Just got back from eating with Jennie and Steph from work. Went over to Jennies for a sit down on the back deck with a couple beers. Very nice. Sun was shining, beer was cold and company was good. I'm really getting to like these two girls alot. Poor Steph has suffered from one bad date after another lately.. I am going to have to buen a candle or two for her to find the last good guy out there. I am sure glad to be happily married and not on the dating scene thats for sure. Took Jake over so he could play with Steph's dog Jane. They really love each other and play alot when they get together. Its so good for him to get to just run himself out. Anyway it was a much needed respite from work. We took our billing final today which I got a 90% on so I was pretty happy. I would have like a 100% but hey I passed and I'm sure I will get it all down in the future. It just takes more experience looking at them. I feel really good about my job though and am happy with how I've done. I expect I will feel like an old hand really soon. Waiting to get my desk assignment is becoming annoying cause in the mean time I have to work at an extremely small station in the training room and that is getting old. I want some space of my own with a desk and a place to store my crap!.. found a great pair of jeans today on sale at Nordstroms for 20.00..Really lucky. I wanted to give myself a little reward for working all that overtime last week so that's what I got. Well its almost 10pm so I better turn in.....Night John Boy,,,night Gramma.

Well, its Monday morning and halleluyah I don't have to go to work today. I got up early and took a ritual bath, ate a good breakfast, drank some great coffe and am getting ready to do some office work. I finally figured out how to get my photos to post. I forgot to click the terms of agreement box. Once I figured that out, it was easy peasy.

I've been thinking about the fact that I label my blog Witch in the City and I want to clarify what that means. First of all, I do not worship any dark entities or spirits. I don't really believe in that sort of thing. I also don't spend alot of time casting spells although on occasion I do attempt to manifest things that I want to happen. My spiritual belief is that I should attempt to contribute to the positive flow of energy that exists in the universe by good works,thoughts and deeds. I attempt to minimize my contributions to the negative as much as I can. I spend some time actively meditating and visualizing. Sometimes I try to connect with others in this manner, mostly my husband because he is into it and I get alot of relief from him when I need it. He has a great ability to meld with my energy so to speak. I think he doesn't fully understand what I do but is generally accepting of it. The other big part of my practice is in the kitchen and garden. I consider myself a good cook and I love to make all kinds of food. I have a good knack for combining flavors and textures to good ends without benefit of a recipe. The other thing I like to do is take a basic baking recipe and expand on it to make it healthier, using organic ingredients. Someday, I would love to have a little coffee shop specializing in purely organic treats. My other big passion is growing things. I have a pretty decent size flower garden given the size of my yard. I also have a smallish patch where I have tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, garlic and onions. I have herbs scattered throughout the place and use them in cooking when they are in season. I truly believe in the power of food and its ability to heal the body. So, aside from not following a christian path, I am just like most others, although I feel that on the inside I am truly an artist and cooking and gardening are how it comes out. I also have a deep connection to nature and the earth. Sometimes I get a picture in my mind of a lush green forest and I can just tell that somewhere in time that is where I come from. If I could, I would leave the city and live in a deep forest somewhere inside a tree with my dog and a fire for company. That seems like the most peaceful existance ever. I guess that is just dreaming though, because the powers that be seem to have another plan for me. At any rate, that is my story and I'm sticking to it. Outside of those things, I love music,friends and fun..like anyone else. So, if someone tells you they are a witch, don't let the word decided who they are for you. You may have no idea who they are or what that means to them. Here's a couple more garden shots for you all to enjoy whoever you may be....the handsome guy in the tux is my son who will be 18 in a couple weeks. He is on his way to a disastorous prom date, but doesn't know it yet in this shot. Still he looks great!

Summertime and the livin's easy

It is a gorgeous Sunday afternoon in Spokane today. About 70' and sunny with just a little bit of wind. My garden is blooming like crazy all of a sudden. I've been taking pictures of different flowers as they bloom for a collage I have in mind. Not exactly sure how I am going to arrange it yet, but I have the idea to make one that exemplifies who I am at this point in my life. I've got the gardening and pet part going so far. Need to look further for additional stuff. I want to incorporate some knitting some how and some fashiony stuff along with my family too. Maybe I will use yarn to create some type of border and do it bulletin board style. Still working on that idea.
I was so happy to be able to stay home yesterday. I still got up early, but did take a four hour nap in the afternoon that felt really good. Getting up at four am is alot harder now than it used to be. Plus I have to go to bed by 9pm for sure or I am just useless the next day. I'm really enjoying the job so far and have made a few friends there that I like. Two girls in particular have been hanging out with me alot. Stephanie is 24, single, loves dogs and wants to move into a house really bad. Jennie is 31yrs old, single but with a steady boyfriend and a seven year old boy. They are both pretty cool. We've gone out for beers a couple times and Jennie has been over once for coffee. I don't usually make great friends with women, but I get a feeling I am meant to have these two in my life for some reason. Steph is very close in age to my daughter Chelsea and Jennie just loves music and is alot of fun to be around. Its nice having some commraderie and someone to just talk girl talk with for a change. I have been hanging out with Kipp pretty much non stop for the past six months which has been great, but the change of scenery is nice..anyway, here are some pictures of my latest flowers. Hope they post okay..By the way for any of you music lovers out there try this: Hank Williams the third-Straight to Hell. Great old style country with awesome fiddle playing in it. Okay they are not going to post today but still take a listen to the music....www.dancingoutlaw.com is an interesting website off the album as well...later gators

Overtime

I've been working a bunch of overtime this week so I haven't had much time to do any writing. Our company had to close an office back east due to some sort of fumes in the bldg so all calls are being routed to us. Its been crazy busy and I have to get up at 4am to get to work by 6am. I'm feeling pretty tired today but luckily I'm only working until noon and then get a three day weekend. The phones are lighting up already so I guess I better get on it. More later

Still Raining

Well, it's Monday morning and its still raining. Nice and green outside! I'm at work and all the phones in our sister office out in New York are down so we are on the phones most of the day today. I do service work for an insurance company. We are still in training and have been for the past three months. I am just about ready to get out of here and do my real job. Its hard to stay in a room with the same people day after day while still being nice to everyone.
I spent the weekend working in the yard and trying to keep my dog under control. He is very restless as he isn't getting walked enough right now. I did get a ton of work done out in the flower beds though and ended up putting fertilizer on my veggies plus planted carrots and spinach out there too. Kipp is off today from painting but will be working on bids and bills. He's coming down here and we're having lunch together. WEll thats it for now. More later.

Sunday Rainy Sunday

Its raining here today. The neighborhood is all green with everyone's flowers blooming. It looks great. I took a long walk this morning with my dogs and husband. We have a new dog that is a German Shepherd mix. He's about 1yr old and wild as hell. He doesn't get near the amount of excercise he should right now and it is driving all of us crazy. So, this morning I got up determined to do something about it. We went to the nearby park and threw a ball for him until he wouldn't chase it anymore. After that we made him walk about ten blocks to get back home. Didn't really seem to tire him out at all. Mostly what he does is spend all his time bothering my cats. They hate it but tolerate it for some strange reason. I don't really understand it but they have their own system that works for them.
I've been gone from my blog for a long time. Many things have happened since the last time I posted, the biggest one being that I am working again. I finally got hired back at Travelers doing service work. For those of you who don't know, they are an insurance company that I've worked for in the past. A huge corporate monster to be fair. I heard they made more money last year than American Express. Now I don't know if its true or not, but I feel kind of conflicted about working there. On the one hand, the pay is nice and the mental stimulation is good. On the other it is so hard for me to sit in an office all day and not get to be outside. I've gained a much greater appreciation for the free time I have. Makes me realize that spending small amounts of time here and there doing the things you love can have a big effect on your well being and stress level. I'm doing my best to walk every day and decompress in constructive manners when I can. Any way, I am fairly happy. Life is back on track and I am feeling very positive about the direction my life is going in. I have some goals to work towards and I'm happy with the direction work is taking me. I think I will be able to stay there for a few years and get some great experience. Got to sign off for now and take the kid to work. Here's a picture of the new dog..

Interviews

Well, Its January 3rd and things are really back to normal now except I am still not working. This is becoming very frustrating to me. I did have an interview yesterday that went pretty well. I talked to this guy at an upholstery shop a couple months ago. He was pretty interested then, but I wasn't sure about it. Then yesterday I saw he was still looking so I sent my resume. I needed to take Dan's guitar over to a repair shop so on my way back, I stopped in at this place and talked to the guy for about 1 1/2 hours. He seems like a real hardass and the retail manager was kind of hard to read but she basically told me he is a real hard ass and can be difficult to work for. She also eluded to the fact that the other women in the office were kind of bitchy so I am not sure I want to take the job even if they offer. I kind of feel like I have to at this point but don't want to get myself in a situation where I hate what I am doing just to make money. It was a good thing to do though in the respect that it was really out of my comfort zone to just stop in. It made me think about the things I was saying in the interview process a little more too. I still feel like I am trying to hide the fact that I got fired, but if he wasn't bringing it up I wasn't going to either. I think that was the right thing to do. So, now I will get back on line and take a look around at what else is out there. I see Travelers is still looking for reps but they have not called me back yet. I sent the HR manager an email yesterday but never heard back from her which I think is totally rude but what can you do except move on. So the hunt continues.
On another subject, I managed to get through the whole day without arguing with Kipp at all. That is a miracle for me but I am starting to realize that I say alot of unecessary things that set him off. I don't know how for 12 yrs I missed that fact that he absolutely hates being analyzed but he does, so I am trying to stop doing it. I don't want to sound like he is crazy for it because what it boils down to is me criticizing him and no one likes that, me especially. He also hates it when I analyze others, so I am going to try to keep that stuff in my head from now on which is nearly impossible but I test I must pass to grow and change. I love him and want us to be happy for a change and most of this work needs to come from me. He told me to make myself happy so I am going to. I suppose that might involve things that he doesn't like too but its all part of it.
Last night I had a very long involved dream that I can't remeber all of but one thing that stands out is this:
I am in a crowd of people on what I think is my high school football field, this woman who is an old friends Mom is approaching me. This woman had long white hair and kind of your stereotypical "witchy" appearance when we were kids and this is how she looks in the dream..she was always a really nice lady. In the dream, she walks up to me and sizes me up then says, you are pregnant again or something like that. All of a sudden I realize that what she is saying is true. I feel scared because I am thinking of the miscarriage but also excited because I know she is right. Then the dream moves on to something else. When I wake up this morning I am a little dissappointed because I am actually having my period right now. So , when I looked up the meaning on a dream site it says that it means I am going thru some changes that will allow me to grow and maybe some new ideas are forming within. SO, I will move on today with a good outlook and keep trying to move forward.
Kipp will be gone for the next three days so I will have some time to myself finally, finally finally. I love having him around, but it seems like I have not been alone in the house for months. This will give me time to cast and meditate like I've been wanting to without fear of interuption. I think I will go to Huckleberries today and get some sage and a couple other items to work with tonight. Time to start focusing heavily on prosperity and success for myself. I knoow that the power to facilitate change in my life is inside me and its time to unleash the beast so to speak. I am tired of feeling like everybody else has the control over my life. I have it I have just been afraid to find it. Game on people Game on......

I'm Backkk

Okay- New outlook on my writing. In order to change yourself you have to change yourself. So, in light of that earthshattering observation, I am going to try a new way of writing. I will only write about the positive stuff in my life first and then if the negative stuff seems worth it, I will write about that. Here it goes:
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 38. I have a whole year ahead to do with what I will. I am determined to make it the best year of my life. I spent the day with my family. My son trekked up to the mall in freezing cold weather to buy me a birthday gift and then rode the bus home to give it to me. He bought me a very cute little ceramic fairy girl to add to the one I have in the bathroom. He is such a good kid. I am very lucky. My husband made me a birthday breakfast and spent some time doing some things around the house that he knew I would like. We hung out together quite a bit and all in all it was a nice day. A couple of my friends called me as well as my Mom and Daughter. My daughter called to tell me that they have changed the date for the wedding. They moved it up to Sept 29th. They did so because they are taking a honeymoon cruise in Oct up and down the east coast. I am so pround of her. She is doing so well and so is my son. They really inspire me to try harder to make a happy life for myself. I worry some about Chelsea as she is alot like me and tends to take on too much responsibility. I think she is healthier than I though so will most likely be fine.
So, here are some things I want to do this year:
Top of the list-cultivate my relationships with otheres so that next year I will know at least 2 new people that I can call friends
1. Make my garden bigger and take stuff to the farmers market to sell.
2. travel to at least one place I have not been in the US
3. Get a job that I can work at for at least three years
4. Work on getting out of debt
5. Lose 20 more lbs
6. Expand my spiritual practice and really learn to use it to my advantage
7. Write in my blog every morning before I leave the house.
8. Do one thing that scares me, like climb something high or go somewhere alone
9. Read more books and watch less tv
10. Get and remain sober

This is a short list but I am going to set small goals to make this happen for myself. I am tired of living the way I do and want a better life. I finally understand that a better life is there for the taking, but no one will just walk up and say "Here, you look like you need a better life." You have to take it for yourself and its okay to want it and there is nothing to fear in trying to get it. Who cares what other people think about it. Its not wrong to want good things and by good things I mean happiness and joy right where you are. So, I will work on that and try to remain positive every day. I know it sounds a little merry sunshine but my own negative attitude just doesnt work anymore and its time to make something else work now.

Good day all and see you in the morning!

Day 1

Its New Years day. A whole year is gone from my life. What did I accomplish in 2006. Not much if I really think about it. Time is slipping away and I am sitting here wasting it at this computer wondering what is the point of all this. Why can't I just feel normal and have a normal successful life. I am my own worst enemy. I have spent so much time worrying about what everybody else is doing and sitting around feeling superior because why?? Why do I think I know anything about what anyone else should be doing. I keep thinking I am doing so much internal work and trying so hard to change. I've done nothing....NOTHING my life is shit right now. There's not much further down I could go. Here is the list of things that are wrong with my life right at this very moment

1. I have no money.
2. I have no job
3. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk that I have no way of paying
4. My self esteem is in the toilet
5. I have allowed myself to become isolated from my friends and family
6. I am an emotional wreck
7. I feel afraid and paralyzed
8. I am on the brink of buldozing my relationship over a cliff
9. I am still 25lbs overweight and gaining
10. My old dog is pissing and shitting all over the house daily and I don't want to make the decision to put her to sleep.
11. Its my birthday and my husband is not even speaking to me.
12. I am as unhappy as I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it.


There-
That is a total and complete list of all the negative stuff in my life at the moment. It sounds pretty pathetic to sit here and list it all out but this is my way of mapping out what needs to change. Maybe looking at it in black and white will help me take some inventory and do the foot work necessary to change my life. I don't know how I got to this point in time or why but I do know it is time to say Fuck all of everyone else and just learn to go out and take what I need to be content with myself and my life. I don't care if I lose my marriage, my house, my cars, anything. I just want to come to a place where for once in my stupid pathetic life I feel happy. If only someone would just turn on a light and show me the path to take it would be so much easier. Don't see that happening and this post has turned into one big whine fest. I always get this way when I get my period for my birthday. I'm just so freakin tired of having such a hard time all the time. I feel like a twelve year old who just can't quite make the leap into adulthood and a mature way of thinking. I don't even know what mature thinking looks or feels like. I just mostly feel dissappointed with myself and basically have no belief that I can change anything right now. I guess I will go back to bed and just wait for this day to be over so I can start looking for a job again. I absolutely cannot believe I haven't found one yet. It has never been so hard for me to find work. Ususally I just think about finding a job and one falls into my lap. I suppose this is my karma coming back to bite my methaphorical ass. I know in my heart I brought all this shit on myself with my own self destructive behavior. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I tell myself all the time, okay learn the lesson, change, change now, you are intelligent and you can see it, now change and I never seem to be able to...........How do you reach down inside yourself and pull out the part of your being that is where the courage is.........I can't seem to find that part of me. Is it just missing???What seems to be in that spot is blind fear. Letting go of that fear is singlemost difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. I recognize it, I see it there, like a chunk of blackend wood in a campfire, always glowing slightly in the middle. An eye if you will watching me from the inside waiting to flare up at the slightest attempt to extinguish it. Sick as I am I am comforted by it, warmed up a little bit by its presence there. I've carried that chunk of wood around since I was a very little girl and setting it down and walking away just doesn't seem possible. What if I am cold without it, what if I can't see in the dark, what if that chunk of wood is who I am and without it I am nothing...but what if it burns out and fades away and all that is just a bunch of illusion. I know logically there is nothing to fear in the world really and by not taking that chance I am limiting myself to a very small world indeed. Thoughts to think about for sure for sure.....I'm very glad no one reads this drivel..........