A Strange Dream

I have been hanging out at work with this guy named Jeff and a girl named Jennie. They are both pretty cool. I like them alot. Jeff is in a band, he's the singer and Jennie is also very musical. They both fit my personality pretty well as far as strangers go. Its hard to know people for sure when you only see their work face. One things for sure, they both like to have a good time. Jeff in particular likes to drink alot. I found out yesterday that he has been dating a co-worker in secret for some time now and that was kind of shocking. I am not paying attention, cause now that I know it makes perfect sense. Anyway, not sure how I feel about it. A little jealous, a little surprised and a little dissappointed in the match up. Not even my business at all, but I still have these feelings. So, last night Ihad a dream that we were having a party and I felt too drunk so I went up to my room and laid on my bed. A few minutes later, Jeff comes in and lays on the bed with me and we are talking and laughing and I feel okay with it even though I know Kipp is downstairs and its late. So, I just about to drift off to sleep when I realize he wants to kiss me so I do and it is very dissappointing. Like kissing a junior high boy who has never done it before. So, then I'm like Huh, well now I know. I think it means that I am getting to be a better judge of character but still want to find out things for myself sometimes. I think it also means I should not take Kipp for granted and maybe should start treating him a little better in the romance dept. Anyway, time for worky. more later.

Is it Friday Yet?

Have you ever just wanted towalk away from your life and never look back? I've been feeling that way a little lately. Seems like even though things are mostly on track, I have this feeling in the back of my mind that a storm is going to hit any time. I don't know why but I have been thinking lately alot about what my life would be like if I had made different choices. Like ones that involved trusing myself more and everyone else less. I suppose I am right where I am meant to be at this point but occassionally I have a hard time accepting that my life is what it is and its the only one I have. Just as an example, I went out yesterday and spent about 90.00 on some clothes for work. Not a tremendous amount of money and I got two shirts and three summer skirts. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but somehow I do. I started thinking almost immediately that I didn't deserve them, that I didn't really need them ect...I was worried Kipp would be mad at me for spending the money and I agonized over it all afternoon. I hate that. I should be able to spend 100.00 on myself occasionally without ever feeling bad. I've been working really hard at my job and I'm excelling. I deserve a little treat for all that. It's not an easy job to do and sometimes its not all that fun either so if some new clothes make me happy I shoud be okay with it. Anyway, this is just one of many things I waste time feeling guilty about and I'm tired of it. I'm not excessive, I'm responsible. I deserve nice things and its okay to have them once in a while. So, I will wear the new skirt and smile while I do it knowing I worked hard these last four months to get where I am. Next time I meet a goal I will do the same.

Isi t Friday yet?

Thursday morning...I've been up for an hour and still feel sleepy. Having a hard time getting started this morning. I just want to stay home and put around the yard today. That's not going to happen though. Got to go working today. Jobs still good not much to report there. Had lunch with Jeff yesterday at a little place in Spokane called O Dougherty's bar and grill. Nice atmospere. Suppose to be like an Irish pub but the food was just so so. Nothing to write home about. ONe thing I will say about my job is it is putting my personality to the test. I spend all day talking to customers who sometimes are not very nice. Yesterday I had a woman who was really pushing my buttons just because she figured out she could. I don't care for that so my new focus is going to be on tatics to divert this kind of reaction in myself. I plan to go far with this job so I need to learn to not let people get under my skin.
Its the Summer Solstice today. Longest day of the year. I don't have any great plans except to sit on the balconey tonight and enjoy it. Maybe I will have a beer after work or something too but as far as anything else I am planning to wing it. I like to sit on the balconey and meditate while its dark out. Its so pleasant up there and you feel like no one can see you. TImes like that make me wish I still smoked. Nothing like just sitting in the cool darkness just listening to the night sounds. The dog likes it too. He goes out there during the night to check out any noises or anything he senses. Makes me feel pretty protected. He's a loyal guy.
Well, time for this working stiff to hit the shower. Then comes the never ending question of what to wear to work. I am so sick of my clothes right now. I feel like I have nothing to wear all the time and its not true. However I could use a few summer items in my wardrobe so I think I will try to remedy that this weekend. Go to Target or something on Saturday with Dan. He's been bugging me to take him out there.

GirlsGirls Girls

So last Friday night I went out with some friends from work. We all went down to this bar near the office and proceded to have a good time. Some of my other friends showed up(yes I have more than one set) and met my work friends. It went pretty well considering. I had about 5-6 beers which is enough to get me blasted. At this point I decided I'd better go home before I can no longer get there. So, I get to work yesterday and Jennie is just all atwitter to tell me what happened later. Turns out that two of the girls in our training class ended up making out with each other and then one of them made out with this guy from the office too. She is engaged and her fiance was there earlier. I guess he went home without her before all this happened. I was pretty shocked to tell the truth. I mean who does that? Now its getting around the office and they don't really even seem embarassed. I would be mortified. I don't think I would ever get that drunk before I started throwing up anyway. Long story short though I won't be hanging with that crowd anymore. It was kind of our last fling cause training is over now and we are settling down to the work. I'm starting to realize just how complicated this job really is. I got a few billing calls yesterday that I really struggled with. Its tough to go back through an account and figure out why we are billing what we are billing. Plus people don't understand it either so they get frustrated and upset about it. I suppose as time goes on I will get better at it. It just takes practice.
My personal life is getting a little better. Kipp seems to be feeling a little more on lately. I guess just leaving him to his own devices has helped. I've tried hard to pull back from him and not let his moods effect mine. Its not that easy to do because its in my nature to try and help. I need to realize that interfering with his path is not the right thing to do.
For my own self, I've been having more of a hard time doing the things I know I should like eating right and exercising regularly. These are two repeating patterns in my life that I get hardily sick of thinking about. I wish I could just discipline my self to do them every day. I do fine during the day, its at night when I am just hanging out that I tend to over do it. Maybe I need to have night time activities planned for myself so I don't do it. I don't know. Sometimes I just think fuck it, I want to eat what I want to eat. However, I know I can do better if I just place some effort into it and then I wouldn't crave all the crap. Its like I can only place my attention on one or two things at a time and thats it. Anyway, I need to get going and take the dog out for a walk. More later

Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day and I forgot all about it until this morning. God my Dad was just here yesterday and I didn't even mention it. So, I am burning him some CDs and sending them in the mail. We had graduation party for Dan yesterday. Thats why my Dad was here. He came out for lunch along with some friends and family. A bunch of Dan's friends showed up too so it was a full house . I think everyone had a good time. We had alot of food and cake left over which I can't seem to stay away from. I am totally PMSing so I can't stop eating for the next four days or I will literally go up in flames. I get quite the appetite around this time of month. It doesn't help that there was a full moon on Friday so I felt extra wacky from that too. Oh well, I gotta be me. Not much to report, just writing to keep it up and get some stuff out of my brain. We actually got some chores done around here today. One of our poor dogs had lice and we didn't know it cause she needed a hair cut pretty bad . I spent my morning dealing with that and then the subsequent clean up. That was the better part of two hours. Then we cleaned a little and moved some furniture around. I did get a two hour nap in around three which was heavenly. I rarely take a nap as I think sleeping in the day time is wasting what little free time I have but it felt good! I think I can manage to make it through another Monday if I don't stay up too late. So now I am just finishing with burning these CD's. I hope to get a couple more loads of laundry done so I have some clothes to wear tomorrow. More exciting adventures on the next episode of Wiiittcchh innnn theeee Ciiiiitttttyyyyyy.........................

Things I think about on the john

I think about shoes on the john. I like to look at them in magazines while I'm sitting there. I think about where I can come up with some cash to buy them. I think about all the outfits they might go with and where I will wear them. I think about how much they'll hurt my feet, the blisters that will rise. I think about how I will be secretly happy inside when someone says they like them. I think about what I'm going to pack in my lunch and how I need to send the mortgage payment in. I think about the 10.00 late fee I'm going to have to pay for doing it over the phone. I'll think about how I'm not going to let that happen again. I'll think about how it will. I think about the girls I work with and wonder if someone will have a cuter outfit than me. I think about my friend Jennie who sports this gorgeous red hair. I think about my cats and why they insist on drinking out of the bathtub faucet when there is a bowl on the floor next to the tub. I think about whether my 18 yr. old son made it home last night and whether I should go check on him or not. Does this make me totally nuerotic? Yes for sure. This is how fast my thoughts run most of the time. Its very hard for me to shut down the voices in my head, but I'm learning which ones to tune out. That is what being a witch is about. Sorting through the shouting to the quiet one in the center who makes perfect sense . That voice is God whatever form he/she takes. This is what I think about on the john.

Thursday morning wake up call

This is my friend Jennie's son Skyler who is a total doll as you can tell from this picture.

Just wanted to jot down a couple things before I run off to work. I've spent my morning so far writing up bills for customers and balancing the checking acct. Fun stuff. I got my desk at work finally yesterday. That was fabulous. I know it sounds silly, but I have been working in very small space for about three months now. We are done with training for the most part so they assigned us our spots after a very long wait. I like where I sit, its near the windows. I will probably freeze during the winter. I will have to bring a blanket in. Work is going well otherwise. I'm getting the hang of it and learning where to look for stuff. It takes time, but I think in a few more months I will feel very strong about it.

I just read this great book called Girlbomb by JaniceErlbaum. Its about a young girl growing up in New York City during the 80's. She runsaway from home to live in a shelter because her stepdad is very abusive. The story chronicles her time there and what follows after until she's about 19yrs old. Very interesting story full of sex, drugs and rock and roll. She's not a particularly nice girl but seems to get it together in the end. I love stories like this that are so real to life. I mean most people don't just go to high school, attend prom and go off to college unscaythed. If you do, you're pretty lucky. Anyway, its definately worth the read.
Kipp is having some trouble again with his depression. It seems to be taking over alot lately. He had a better day yesterday but for the past couple weeks he's been low down. I finally had to say something cause it was driving me crazy. I want him to seek some counseling of some sort with a professional who knows how to manage depression better than a family doctor would. He said he would so I will wait and see. It feels like his illness is taking over our life right now. I have had to distance myself from it somewhat so that I don't get sucked in. Been trying to spend a little more time on my own doing the things I like to do. Usually I get caught up in holding his hand trying to comfort him or make a difference. I've kind of decided thats an enabling behavior on my part and I need to stop doing it. So, there it is once again.

Jennie is coming by with Skyler tonight. We are going to eat and drink a couple beers, maybe watch a movie or something. It was suppose to be a few of us, but we are having a party after work tomorrow for our graduation so most people wanted to hold out for that. Thats okay with me cause I have a party here on Sat. for Dan's graduation too.. God I need to figure out what kind of food to have. Not sure exactly how many people are coming but I need to feed them when they get here. I'm too busy right now. I am going to have to stay up cleaning on Friday night to make sure I'm ready since I will have to go to Costco on Sat. morning. Anyway, got to run off and get ready to go now. Later

Workin for the Weekend

Well, here it is only Monday and I'm already wondering how long till the weekend. I haven't even been to work yet! I could really use a couple days home alone. I don't forsee that happening any time soon. We spent the weekend doing errands on Sat. then went to Jenni's for a little dinner. Sunday I got up, went grocery shopping, came home, cooked, went to Dan's graduation, cleaned up, visited my parents and basically went to bed without doing a single load of laundry for the work week. I am screwed pretty much for getting dressed this morning.

The other good news is my sister had her baby finally and surprise surprise, it was a girl. They were expecting a boy the whole time so we were all really taken back. Her name is Sofina. She's half Samoan with black hair and a good size nose. She will most likely grow into it in a few months. I have to say I'm a little jealous of my sister for getting her. I still think I would like another baby. Its not too late, but I worry that another miscarriage might happen.Its not too likely, but the thought is always there. So, other than that, it was an uneventful weekend. I am having some girls over this week on Thursday night for a full moon fever party. The moon will be full on the fifteenth so its close to time. I am planning on doing a scrap book for my son too so I am going to start working on that soon. Need to send Sofina a couple little hats too. Anyway, that s about it for my exciting life. Its been kind of boring lately. I spend too much time just hanging out with Kipp and not doing my own thing. I need to find a group who is interested in doing some funner things with out benefit of any men on the scene. Last week of training too so I have a couple things to celebrate right now. Fun Fun Fun. More later. Heres a pic of the baby.

Day 2

Well, I did pretty good yesterday with a couple exceptions. I did have a thai chicken burrito for lunch and then Kipp brought me a shrimp pizza for dinner. However, it was very small so that was probably ok. I went and got all my vitamins refilled. I took a big dose yesterday morning and afternoon. I felt good most of the day. Didn't really exercise enough, but I am trying to add stuff a little at a time rather than make a bunch of big changes immediately that I can't stick to.

So, heres somemore stats on where I am:

Weight 180lbs
General physical condition -fair
General mental condition-medium
Some physical conditions:
weak left eye
belly bloat especially at the end of the day
achy feet and upper back
weak core muscles
pms and other menstrual problems
permanent pain in left rotator cusp on shoulder
Generally tired with low energy at night
Skin and hair- not looking the best

So, in other news, Amber still has not had her baby. We are waiting to hear from her. It should be any day now. He is being stubborn about coming out:) Work is going well. We are about one week out from being done with training and on the phones permanently. Won't get our desks until the 18th or so. Kipps work is going good too. He has about 4-5 houses lined up now. I think he could be doing a little better but this is good by comparison to last year so I won't complain. Maybe one of these days we can buy a different business for him that doesn't require so much physical work. I think he would like a coffee stand but who knows, I know I would. We are saving money for him to buy a new snowmobile. Once he gets that purchased, I am going to start saving for a trip somewhere. Not sure where yet, but I want to travel next year someplace warm and tropical. Maybe Mexico, but I am also toying around with Europe. We'll just have to see how it goes.

One last thing, I am practicing meditating without the aide of anything but my mind. That is extremely hard. Here's what I do. I try to visualize an object in my mind until I can see it completely clearly. That is much harder than you think. Especially to not get distracted. Anyway, time to work. More later.

New Day New Way

Well, it Monday morning all. Time to get back to the grind. I've decided to do a two week cleanse beginning today. My plan is to try to only eat real food, exercise, eliminate alcohol and any other fun stuff, exercise once per day and see how I feel. Heres how I feel now

1. Tired all the time
2. I have a very heavy feeling in my midsection all the time
3. My mind feels sludgy and thick.
4. My concentration levels are low.
5. I feel old and I have a lot of aches and pains for no reason.

I am beginnning this experiment to see just how sharp I can make myself. I've done it before and after about three days you really start to feel great if you do it right. I just need to be vigilant about my food. That is my biggest downfall is letting my mind control what and when I eat.
I was watching Criss Angel Mindfreak last night which I never have before. His deal is that he practices mind control and conditions his body to the best of his ability. Exercise, good food and concentration exercises to hone its sharpness and control his feelings. He claims he has trained himself to ignore pain and thats why he can do so many crazy things. I believe this is possible and want to try some of this myself. Not crazy stunts but just learning to control my mind rather than letting it control me. I think that is a big part of learning to live a wiccan lifestyle too. I have let my body take over and control how I'm going to eat and I am a little tired of that.
Plus I realize I am having a hard time facing up to the fact that I can be successful and its okay. I am eating out of control because I am letting that fear control me. Its time to change. Need some books. This means I have to pay my library fines! I will document my progress here and see how it turns out. More later..time to hit the shower and get ready for the day.

ART

Saturday morning

Its Saturday morning and I've been up since 5:30am. I can never sleep in on the weekends. I guess that's okay cause I don't like to waste my free time sleeping. I save that for weeknights. It seemed like a pretty long week. We were on the phones for the first two and then back in the class room for the last two. Nobody could get into the groove of being back inside:) Its too hard to concentrate when its so nice outside. No one wants to work..including me. I found out where I am going to sit. Its close to a window and Nikki will be close to me. I'm happy about that because I don't know anyone on this team. She has turned out to be pretty funny. I thought she was going to drive me crazy cause she's kind of a bubble head but it has turned out okay. She tells me all her drama about her boyfriends and it makes me laugh.

Went to Jennies the other night for a couple of beers and dinner. Her back deck is in the sun until it gets dark pretty much so that was wonderful to just sit and be warm with a cold beer in hand. She's turned out pretty cool too. I wish she had a little more confidence about herself but I guess when I was her age I was sort of insecure too. I will hopefully post some pics of these people soon so I can remember them when I'm old. I have a feeling I will need photos to jog my memory the way I am going now. So, tomorrow I am suppose to go over there and help her stain her deck. Today I am going to do yardwork and laundry. I need to get to Wally world for some small fencing. Jake is killing all my veggies. He keeps running over the top of them. I noticed last night that I am actually getting some raspberries on the bushes this year. I can't believe it. Plus they are putting up suckers so I should have twice as many next year. Yippee!

Okay, new album for people to check out. Hank Williams the third Straight out of Hell. Catchy title dont you think? Its good...good....good. Very blue grass hill billy sounding on most of it.Funny lyrics combined with great fiddle and steele guitar work. Haven't had an opportunity to read much lately. Too nice outside but I am considering taking a book out in the backyard later today to work on my tan. Anyway, that's it for now. Not much else to report. My life is boring ......my card is declined. Thats all folks