Changes

Well,I started this page on a whim after reading about blogging in the paper. I had never heard of it and doing it seemed cool. I've decided to use this forum to record some events that are happening in my life. Two things are going on right now. One and most importantly, is that my son who is fifteen and living with my exhusband, ran away from home 3 times in the past month. He has been gone this last time for about five days with no word from him. As a parent who is absent, the amount of guilt I feel over this situation is almost unbearable. I (selfishly maybe) feel that somehow this is my fault and his problems stem from something I did or didn't do for him. I have always felt so badly for leaving the kids behind when their Dad and I divorced. I know in my heart it was the best thing for everyone, but now I feel like maybe it was not. I guess it's human nature to try to make every event about yourself. Sometimes kids do stuff just because they think its fun and adults read too much into it. I just hope he's safe and that he's not out there getting high all the time. A little spliff is one thing but harder stuff is another.
The second thing I am working on is losing weight. UGGGGGGGGG!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have the type of personality that says " Okay, I quit eating potato chips for a week, am I thin yet?" Impatient. That's me in a nutshell. Ms instant gratification. That particular trait has gotten me in trouble more than once in my life. I have a hard time looking down the road for the end result. I am doing okay this time though. I keep it in my mind constantly and that helps alot actually. I keep telling myself that the goal will be worth the work. I feel alot better about myself in general now. Stopped all the bad voices in my head for the most part. At least, I've got the volume down real low most days and sometime soon I hope to turn it off all together. I just want to prove to myself once and for all that I can do this. I have spent so many years telling myself that it's too hard and I just can't do it. Well, that's bull shit. I can and am going to finish this and keep it off for good. I've made the crucial dietary changes now I just need to go one step at a time. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging onto this life by a finger nail and then something good happens like the number on the scale shifts down. Then, I'm up really high for a day or two and then blah. It's the blah's that are hard to ride out. My friend Lanae spends alot of time there and she thinks that I don't but the truth is it's just easier for me to hide it. Denial comes in all forms. I'm getting there though. I believe it is all a state of mind, not how much you exercise or eat, but all the crap you tell yourself day in and day out. Also, how much you just ignore yourself. Well, that is over for me. As stupid and dorky as it sounds, I am tired of beating myself up and down playing my accomplishments like I'm not worthy of it. I am a human that God made and he wanted me here for a reason. I believe that with all my heart just as I believe that he can give me the strength to do anything I need to do. This stuff with Danny is another test and I will get through it and Danny will get through it too. Maybe this is God's way of bringing him home...............................That's all for now. My fingers hurt. Time to face the changes.....................................................